Bed of Lies
by SuddenlySandi
Summary: Bella meets a man she can't trust and learns what her low self esteem will eventually cost her. all human
1. Chapter 1 thru 3

**Here you go Dee. It took me forever to find it…sorry! Stephenie Meyer owns the Twilight Characters**

1

I was staring at the nutritional information on the back of the can of a liquid diet drink. I hated the disgusting thing, but it was the only food I allowed myself to have at night. I had lost an obscene amount of weight and wasn't about to let it creep back on.

Food ruled my world, I thought about it constantly. I counted calories, limited carbs, weighed everything, and wrote down anything that went into my mouth. I hated my life. It wasn't living; it was surviving, stuck forever inside the mind of a fat girl regardless of what I looked like on the outside.

My apartment wasn't a home; it was shelter, a place where I could hide from the cruelty of the world. People are mean and enjoy laughing at other people's expenses. I learned to stare at the ground with interest so I wouldn't have to see their smirks and wide eyes. I tried to ignore the loud whispers and muffled laughs.

Men were the cruelest. When I became determined to take off every extra pound they would honk their horns and yell rude comments as I walked. When I finally got fit enough to jog they would laugh and yell for me to give it up. Now they whistled and made sexual comments when I ran, I hated men.

Just thinking about them made me climb onto my treadmill and walk as I watched a movie. I always tortured myself by watching gushy love movies. I wasn't foolish enough to think anyone would ever fall in love with me; I just wanted to see other people fall in love.

Sometimes I would dream about a movie star or someone famous begging me to give him a chance, but even in my dreams I was smart enough to know they were only making fun of me.

I heard the door open in the apartment next door and groaned at the thought of my neighbor coming home. He was the lowest denominator of all men. I used to think he had a girlfriend that traveled but now I knew he worked for a phone sex line. He would speak loudly and I used to turn on music or take a shower to drown him out, now I subconsciously feed him lines to use.

We are both so similar and yet so different at the same time. We work out of our apartments, I work early mornings and he works late nights. Neither one of us ever had visitors, nor did we acknowledge any signs of life coming through the walls.

I could hear him whistling and was certain he could hear the loud hum of my treadmill. His phone rang and I turned up the television. His voice was a low murmur through the walls and he laughed wickedly. I had a picture in my mind of what he looked like, but never actually saw him in real life.

I could have easily passed him on the stairs or pulled next to him in my car, but I had learned over the years not to look at people in close proximity to me. When the news ended I climbed off the treadmill and looked at the drink again. I got some ice from the freezer and poured the pink, thick liquid into a cup. "Cheers," I said to myself and drank it down.

I took a shower and began my five hundred sit ups when I heard the neighbor grunting in unison with my counting. I stopped and he stopped. When I started again, so did he. I kicked the wall angrily, hating that he was making fun of me as I remained hidden in my own room.

"What?" he yelled loudly.

We had never conversed before and I didn't want to start a new habit. It was my sole goal to blend in with my surroundings, not start some feud. I got a jug full of ice water to kill my hunger and climbed in bed. I was beyond hungry; I was imagining large buckets of popcorn, or thick slices of pizza, as I drank the cold bland water.

I heard the neighbor making a noise that sounded like soft, muffled cries. I climbed onto my knees and put my ear against the wall. I knew the sound of aching heartbreak and made it myself often. I stared at the white paint and wished I had more courage.

I heard him blow his nose and clear his throat before crashing loudly onto the bed. The headboard bumped the wall and I knew we were only parted by a few inches of drywall and framing boards. I had the words poised on the tip of my tongue to ask him if he was okay, but what did I know about offering comfort to someone.

The headboard bumped the wall again and I heard his front door slam. I hurried to my front window to see if I could catch a glimpse of him going down the stairs. I pictured a heavy set man, with greasy dark hair and wearing a valor running suit. I pulled the curtain back and gasped as I saw him standing just outside his door, leaning his elbows on the railing with his head down.

I moved away from the window, knowing he heard me and most likely turned to look around. He had on jeans and retro tennis shoes, with long legs and a thin body. It was all I saw of him, but it was enough to know he was just the type of man who used to torment me in high school. I could smell cigarette smoke and wanted to dump my ice water on him for sending that smell into my apartment.

I got back in bed and drifted off to sleep only to awaken at three in the morning to head to the bathroom to pee. I could hear him talking on the phone, saying sweet things about love and desire and hoped the flushing of my toilet could be heard over the line.

I got in bed and he had moved to his bed, too. His voice was light and teasing as he said, "Ooh baby, you are driving my body crazy."

"Only you affect me this way," I prompted him without realizing I had said it aloud.

"Sweetheart, only you affect me this way," he added and I quickly covered my mouth with my hand.

Maybe it was only a coincidence, all the conversations I had heard consciously and subconsciously gave me insight to his routine. He continued on telling her with detail what his body was doing and what he wanted her to do to her own body.

I closed my eyes and listened as I imagined taking his instruction. I felt my heart begin to race and my body reacted strongly to his suggestions. When he cried out with loud pants and filthy words I sat up and looked stupidly at the wall.

I heard the phone hang up and he sighed loudly, but it didn't sound like post sex relief, it sounded like sorrow or disgust. "Shit," he said as he punched something. I placed my ear against the wall again and heard him sniff a few times before it became quiet. I knew he was finished for the night and would be sleeping until almost noon.

I woke up again right on time at six in the morning. I dressed in running clothes and tried to be as silent as possible as I closed my front door. I stretched for a few moments and then began my morning run through the city streets of Seattle. I had no idea the distance of my run, but I knew it was past the McDonald's, turn at the Wendy's, and then to the small fish and chips stand by the wharf, before heading back home.

I imagined what I would order from each place if I lived on some imaginary planet where food had no calories. When I finished with my run I purchased a large black coffee and headed home. My exercise was far from over so I remained in my running clothes and logged onto my computer.

I worked as a reservation agent for a major airline. It was the only reason my phone ever rang. I put on the headset so the ringing couldn't be heard by the neighbors and began my hand weights routine. I logged off for lunch and made a salad with an apple, no larger than four inches across.

I heard my neighbor's shower start and tried to stop my mind from imagining his body, covered in soap, dripping with water. I had actually never seen a man's body, well a real man. I had seen plenty of internet pictures as I searched for what I felt would be the perfect body to try and replicate. Just thinking about it sent me right to the stationary bike.

His phone rang and I was glad it was too early for a work related call. I stopped peddling so I could listen to his conversation. His voice was hoarse and he cleared it often as he spoke.

"I'm fine; don't rag on me, Jaz."

"I really don't give a shit," he yelled loudly. "I'll do what I need to do."

I looked at the clock and realized my lunch hour was over so I logged back in and replaced my head set. I got a call right away just as the neighbor began yelling again. "One moment please," I said politely and put the caller on hold.

"I'm working," I yelled, completely out of character for me, but growing irritated by his escalation of noises over the past few days.

He became silent and I quickly went back to the caller. I was taking a credit card number when a loud pounding sounded on my front door. I spun around in shock and expected to see the door come crashing down. I had to make the customer give me the number again and quickly finished the call.

I looked back at the door and felt real fear. Maybe I angered him and he was some crazed man on parole or something. I sat perfectly still as I strained to hear any noise from his apartment. The rest of the day passed without any interruptions.

I made another diet drink and filled my tub with bubble bath to soak. I removed my clothes and looked at my ripped muscles and flat stomach, but all I saw were rolls of fat. I stood on the scale and breathed a sigh of relief to see it was still under the thick black line I had drawn with a marker.

I climbed in the bath and sat back just in time to hear the phone ring next door. He was now on the clock. His voice was smooth and he moaned often. I heard him come into his bathroom and could make out the words he was saying. "I love a woman with curves, voluptuous women know how to please a man, so the bigger the better."

"What a bunch of crap," I said loudly. I knew what he really wanted to say, because I had heard it many times from many men feeling the need to insult me publically.

"Hold on a sec, babe," he said and then yelled. "I'm working."

I knew better than to respond. I had been putting up with his 'working' for months, but he crossed a line and I couldn't keep quiet over this call. "You'll need a shovel to dig your way out of all that shit you're spouting."

"I'm not talking to you, so why do you care," he yelled hatefully.

"Because no man believes bigger is better, tell her to cut out the fries so you can tell her tits from her gut," I yelled back just as hatefully. I had been told that exact thing when I stood in line at McDonalds to buy a yogurt.

"Lying is the whole point, you idiot. They don't call to hear the truth."

"Maybe if they hear the truth they won't need to call some maladjusted freak to get their kicks."

"Then I would be out of a job, genius."

"What a shame, you might actually make it through the day without crying," I yelled and instantly felt like I had overstepped the boundary of neighbor etiquette. I didn't mean to lash out at him; Lord knows I have my own sensitive issues he could take aim at.

I could hear him talking from further away and his voice was much softer. I climbed out of the bath and weighed again before putting on a baggy shirt and a pair of large boxers having to roll the waist to keep them up.

I got in bed and listened as he got into his own bed, the headboard hitting the wall. "I'm sorry, I know it's not easy to listen to my calls," he said and I looked up at the wall in surprise. I wondered if someone was with him or if he was actually talking to me.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Are you talking to me?" I asked.

"Yeah, I figure if you have to hear me having phone sex for hours I should at least know your name."

"You don't need to know," I said and lay back on my pillow.

"It's only a job, I'm not…I don't…"

"I'm not your mother," I said and wished he would stop talking. I had heard enough conversations from his walls to know he was not some innocent man pretending to be something different.

"What do you do?" he asked.

"I'm a vice cop," I said and he laughed loudly. I smiled at the realization I was being witty and keeping his interest.

"No, I think you're a writer or a blogger."

"Yeah, and you're a survey taker," I said with a laugh and he laughed along with me.

His phone rang and he groaned. "Goodnight, Blogger Betty," he called out.

"Goodnight, Survey Sam," I yelled back and heard him answer his phone with a cherry hello before his voice fell softly and his smooth persona came back.

2

I finished my run and was waiting in line at the Starbuck's for my coffee when a man rudely walked in front of me. I didn't say anything; I would never purposely draw attention to myself. I let him order and made sure to stay out of his way when he grabbed his coffee to leave.

"Excuse me sir," a young man said. "You rudely cut in front of the lady and I think you owe her an apology."

I looked at the man speaking and he smiled at me. He was so beautiful, most likely used to drawing all the attention he wanted. I shook my head and returned my gaze back to the ground when the rude man tossed a quick, "Sorry," at me and left.

"It's fine," I mumbled and wanted to run from the place.

I ordered a plain black coffee and the young man handed the girl behind the counter some money. "I'm treating," he said and I became very nervous. I didn't want to owe him anything, like conversation or pleasantries. I didn't know how to be civil with people who weren't calling me names.

The girl handed us both a coffee and I rushed from the store and realized he was walking right behind me. I glanced back and he said, "I'm not following you, I promise."

"No, I didn't mean to accuse you," I said and stopped walking so he could pass, but he took it as my desire to talk to him.

"I shouldn't be too tough on the rude man, since we all seem to be addicted," he said and raised his cup.

"Coffee is a diuretic," I said having no idea why I felt the need to share such information.

"It keeps me upright," he laughed and shook his head, "I'm not a morning guy."

I looked at my feet and wondered if he would be so nice if I was still overweight and needing a friend. I doubted it. He noticed my awkwardness and held out his hand, "I'm Edward Cullen; yes my father is Carlisle Cullen from channel six."

I looked at him again to see if I could find the resemblance. I felt the son was better looking although the man known as the voice of Seattle was not bad. "I'm Bella Swan," I said and shook his hand quickly, pulling back a bit too early.

He glanced at his hand as if expecting to see something repulsive hanging from it. "I respect your dedication to health," he joked and I glared at him. I felt he was making fun of my weight and I walked away from him.

"Did I say something offensive?" he asked as he jogged to catch up with me.

"Leave me alone," I said as tears formed in my eyes.

He dropped back and let me get way ahead of him before making his way to wherever he was going. I showered and couldn't help the tears that fell as I soaped my face harshly, trying to remove the puffy eyes and pinched face caused by several chins, that only I continued to see.

When I was toweling off I heard the neighbor coughing and I was shocked to hear him up so early. I was sure he was getting sick and that was why he sniffed and coughed so much. I took advantage of his stirring and used my blow dryer for once.

He coughed again for quite a spell and I looked over at the wall. "Are you okay?" I asked.

"I'm dying," he said and coughed again.

"Maybe you should stop smoking," I said without sympathy.

I heard a woman laugh and I moved away from the wall as if I could mentally ignore her better from a distance.

"It's the perfume, I'm choking to death," he said and coughed again.

I left my room and logged onto my computer. I wanted to yell hateful things to him and ask if she was fat so he could appreciate the better of her bigger. I wondered if she believed he was saying sweet things only to her and didn't know he practiced his craft nightly.

When I heard the woman leave I ran to the window and saw a gorgeous, tall blonde leave in a fancy car. I boiled with jealousy, not over the man, but wishing I could look even remotely like her.

My phone rang and I began my day trying my best to ignore the man who had absolutely nothing to do with me. He had me rattled and I ate two pieces of bread for lunch. By dinner I was in a panic and used both the treadmill and the cycle. He wanted to rattle me, so I would eat, and he could laugh. I wasn't about to let him control me.

His phone rang right at nine and I heard him groan as he let it ring several times. He let out a loud breath and finally answered it. It was difficult for him tonight and I knew it had something to do with the blonde. He wanted to be arousing his beautiful woman, not the pathetic fat woman on the phone.

He got rough and began speaking about causing pain and using crude language instead of the sweet tantalizing words he usually used. Maybe he was talking to a woman who wanted what he was offering. When he crossed what I felt was a line I sat up, becoming truly worried about him.

He was speaking so quickly and so loud that I could hear him spitting as he spoke. I got on my knees and placed my hand on the wall. "Hey," I said as I knocked softly. I heard the phone slam into the cradle as he continued breathing loudly.

"You're okay," I said against the wall. "It's gone now."

I heard his sobs and my heart ached for him. I wished I was the type of woman who men found comfort from. I would go to him and hold him as he cried. I wanted the blonde to come back and promise him she would take him far from the life he hated so much.

"Are you still there?" he asked and I leaned my forehead against the wall.

"Yeah."

"I can't do it all the time, they keep calling and I can't be what they need me to be," he said with tortured sobs.

"They're using you, they don't care about your heart," I said to make him rethink his occupation.

"No, I'm using them," he said and I had no idea what he meant.

"You wouldn't give them a second look if they walked past you on the street."

His phone rang and I sighed. "Don't answer it," I begged him but after the third ring he picked up the receiver and said, "Hello babe, I'm glad you called, I'm so hot for you."

I sunk back into my bed and covered my head with my pillow. I couldn't listen to him tonight, his lies were too apparent and I was afraid to hear something I wanted to believe.

Three days later I ran into Edward again. He held the door open to the coffee shop for me and when he smiled I looked at the ground. "Black coffee?" he asked.

"I'll get it," I said and he looked a little sad but I wasn't about to make our accidental meetings a planned thing.

"How far do you run?" he asked as we stood in line together.

"I don't know," I said with a slight smile.

"I'm betting it is far, I mean, you look like a runner," he said and I frowned and turned to him.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"I mean you have long legs and a thin body."

I pushed past him and ran from the store. I didn't stop to see if he tried to follow or not. I just ran as if I was still on my route. I wanted to slap Edward, or yell at him. Why did men have to comment on our bodies? I wanted him to say I seemed smart, or kind, or interesting. I was so tired of fighting the battle with my body and he only reminded me why I had to keep it up. People noticed, and I wouldn't be able to stand to hear the laughter again.

I was an only child and my parents were overachievers who were never home. Food was my friend and my comforter; it loved me without judgment or harsh critique. I had tried every diet in the world, only to gain back the few pounds I would lose. I heard all the comments people thought of as helpful, "You have such a pretty face; you must be big boned, have you tried to stop eating when you're full?"

I didn't lose weight to find true love or to please anyone. I wanted the meanness to stop. I wanted to walk down the street without people yelling from their cars or pointing to their companions. I wanted to disappear, not fit in.

I had always planned to go to college but I knew the boys would only get meaner, so I took a computer class and got my job with the airlines. I am able to travel all I want, but why would I go to exotic places where you could lie on a beach, just to be ridiculed and laughed at by foreigners.

The day passed without any noise from the other side of the wall and I worried about the fact he didn't rise at noon. It was late when I finally heard him sniff and looked at the wall in shock. He usually took many calls on Friday nights, but his phone had yet to ring.

I climbed in bed and began reading my magazine about the latest celebrities. I knew the stories were false, but I could pretend they were about me if the star didn't want them. I was lost in the secret love nest of two famous Disney stars when I heard him speak.

"Are you there?" he asked with pain.

"Yeah, are you sick or taking a night off?"

"How old are you?" he asked and I instantly tensed.

"I'm an adult," I shared.

"I'm twenty-five," he said and I smiled before saying, "Me, too."

"Did you watch Muppet Babies when you were younger?" he asked and I chuckled.

"I was obsessed with Rugrats."

"I wanted to be Sabertooth from X-men," he said with his own chuckle. "Were you an Angelica fan?"

"Oh God no, my mother would never allow that. I wanted to be Dr. Lipschitz. He was a professional but got to see all the little kids."

"Hum…now look at us, you can't please your mother and I'm still working for the bad guy."

"Do you remember Zoobilee Zoo?" I asked him with a smile on my face.

"Yeah, I loved Lookout bear and I thought Whazzat Kangaroo was so hot."

Of course he would, she wore a tight costume showing off her perfect body. He wouldn't think the Cockatoo was hot, she was covered in a bird costume. I seethed in silence and he finally spoke again. "Am I bothering you?"

"No," I said harshly.

"What do you look like?" he asked and I closed my eyes and pictured my body, the one I carried around for over twenty years which he would never find hot.

"I'm ugly," I said softly and he remained quiet.

I felt my tears fall from my eyes and slide into my hair. I finally got up and walked on the treadmill for an hour. His phone began to ring and he spoke with a soft melancholy voice all night. I wondered why he wanted to talk about cartoons. Maybe it was his desire to return to an innocent time in his life, when a mother took care of his needs, instead of woman always wanting something from him. I felt a bit sorry for him, until I went to bed.

I could hear him plainly as he spoke from his bed. "Sweetheart, I think your body is beautiful. Raphael painted well rounded woman because only a real woman is built like that. I want to run my hands over your soft body, feeling every curve."

I turned onto my side and stared into the darkness. I wanted to send a fat woman to climb into his bed and see if he felt the same way. It was easy to lie to people who need it so badly. I assumed most of his callers used to be slim and beautiful, until time changed them, and needed to remember what it used to be like for them.

I wondered what he would say to me, who never had a single date, or a man say anything sweet to me. What lies would he use to bring me pleasure? I closed my eyes and pictured someone like Edward Cullen holding me and telling me I was thin. I wondered if I would let myself believe the lies for just a moment of pleasure.

I heard the neighbor panting loudly as he gave out explicit instructions of what he was doing to the woman's soft body.

Yes, I would believe the lies.

3

The weekend moved quickly and the phone calls were many. I drove up the coast and jogged along the sandy beach for a more intense run. It was raining softly and I heard someone coming up behind me. I turned to see Edward Cullen walking with a hoodie up and his hands in his pocket. He recognized me and smiled.

"Hey, we seem to run into each other all over," he said and I gave a small smile.

"I run here sometimes," I explained.

"My parents live over there," he said and pointed to a beautiful house along the beach.

We stood in an awkward silence until he finally said, "May I take you to lunch someday?"

"I work," I said stupidly and he laughed.

"Yeah, I work too, but you have to eat don't you?"

I glared at him and said, "Funny," as I stormed off.

"Wait," he said and reached out for my arm. "I'm not trying to offend you; I'm asking you on a date, that's all."

"Me, on a date?" I said and crossed my arms to keep him from touching me.

"Yes, why would that surprise you?"

"Okay, fine. I'll meet you at the Sizzler tomorrow at noon," I said and turned to run off.

I had no intention of meeting him. I knew he was setting me up for something, maybe he was in a fraternity or something and this was part of a big prank. I wasn't about to become his joke. I never gave him another thought and spent lunch cutting a lean chicken breast into thin strips to broil over my tomato slices.

I was talking to a customer around two when I heard the neighbor's door slam loudly. I jumped from the noise and heard him cussing and mumbling, but the customer was talking in my ear so I couldn't catch any actual sentences.

He turned on his television, which he hardly ever did and I heard the clinking of glass. I assumed he made himself a drink and I pictured him watching X-men with a juice box, it made me smile.

I was walking briskly on my treadmill when I heard a knock on my door. I stared in fear, knowing my lights were on and the television was loud. I knew Edward Cullen had connections, but I never thought he would look up where I lived and come to my door.

I walked to the locked door and said with a shaky voice, "Yes."

"I don't think you have a face," my neighbor said with slurred speech. "I think you are only a voice to torment me."

"Me," I gasped, "What about your clients?"

"They tell me things," he said and then laughed with disgust. "They tell me way too much, they don't speak from behind the wall cryptically."

"You're drunk," I said to let him know I was not going to be opening the door.

"Yes, I'm drunk and I want to see your ugly face," he laughed.

"Leave me alone," I said softly and left the door.

I heard his body collapse into the door and he spoke with his mouth against the frame. "Women always tell the same lies. I'm ugly, I'm fat, and nobody understands me," he spoke in falsetto.

"Well guess what sweetheart, nobody gives a fuck. There is always another woman waiting to take your place. You all want rich, successful men, who look like movie stars, and worship you as you spend his money without a thought to what he needs."

I felt rage explode inside me and rushed back to the door. "Are you kidding me? Men judge, and laugh, and comment, as you stand with your bald heads and beer guts, expecting us to look like supermodels so you can grunt and sweat all over us. We don't need your money or your lies, we can always make a phone call for what we need, can't we asshole."

"Touché," he slurred. "You can call me. I know what you need."

I knew he was drunk and wouldn't remember what he was saying, but I also wondered if he really did know what I needed. I had no idea, but his experience may know things I didn't. I bit my lip as I gathered the nerve to ask him. I shut my eyes and quickly said, "What do I need?"

My entire body was tight with fear he would say something horrible to add to the weight of comments I constantly carried with me, engraved into my flesh as if they were tattoos.

"You need to feel loved," he said as he slid down the door to sit against it.

I mirrored his action on my side of the fortressed closure. "How?" I whispered against the crack in the frame.

"You need someone to hold you and tell you you're beautiful, regardless of how many laps you do on the treadmill. You need a man to take you to a public place and show you off proudly instead of letting you hide behind the door."

My tears fell steadily as he spoke the truth to my denial.

"You need a man to make love to you and scream your name as if calling on the gods for help as he falls madly in love with you."

"That man doesn't exist," I said softly and honestly.

"Yeah, my need doesn't exist either," he replied just as softly.

"What do you need?" I asked him.

"I need someone to save me," he said and he sniffed a couple of times.

I wanted to tell him I could easily save him. I could move him in with me and give him time to find a decent job, or enroll in school, but he would never take me out into public proudly or scream my name in passion. His need was easy, and it hurt to know he would be saved someday as I continued to hide behind my door.

"Sabertooth can always switch sides," I said as I wiped my tears away.

"And Dr. Lipschitz can get his own series," he said and I laughed at the way he said the name in his drunken state.

"The reality is Sabertooth is only interesting because he is the bad guy, and Dr. Lipschitz will always be relegated to a side character, never coming into the open," I said and tried to be lighthearted about it, but my heart was anything but light.

"And the phones keep ringing," he said as he struggled to stand. I looked over at my headset and knew he was right, we were stuck as the pathetic people we were.

"Yes, they do," I said and left the door to get back on the treadmill.

He continued to drink during the night and his calls were extra saucy. He laughed and teased and seemed to be enjoying himself, but I'm sure the women were not happy. His sincere sounding musings were gone and a sarcastic lover would be easy to find. His clients wanted his lies and in his condition he could not give them what they had paid so dearly for.

When he finally fell onto his bed he kept erupting into giggles and it made me laugh. It was actually quite funny what he did for a living. I'm sure the women pictured a James Bond character, dressed in a tuxedo as he lived a life of intrigue and danger, not the boy who longed to be Sabertooth and thought Whazzat Kangaroo was hot.

They also didn't know the pain they caused him as he tried so hard not to cry in his empty apartment. When they dialed the number and gave their credit card they assumed they were being sent to an exotic location where a loving man awaited their desires to please his own. My customers were the same, traveling great distances to visit an ideal, whether it was family, a possible sale, or new sights, we both offered illusions.

I fell asleep to the sound of his laughter.

I woke up to the sound of his vomiting and loud swearing. I headed into the bathroom and heard him beg his maker to let it stop, only to begin the process all over again.

"Take a hot bath to sweat it out and drink some orange juice," I suggested loudly.

"I can't drink anything," he moaned.

"You need the vitamins," I explained, "Do you have a sports drink?"

"No," he moaned.

I went to my fridge and got two Gatorades and sat them by his front door. I went back to the bathroom and told him relief was waiting. I got back in bed and listened as he opened his door and came back to start the tub. I was just drifting off when he came back to his bed.

"Thanks," he said and soon began snoring loudly.

I tried to be extra quiet the next morning and let him rest as much as possible. I was shutting my door very softly when a woman walked past and knocked on his. I looked up to see the gorgeous blonde and she smiled at me.

"He's pretty hung over," I said to warn her or maybe to hope she would leave him alone.

"Good," she laughed and knocked harder. I glared at her insensitivity, but beautiful women could act however they wanted and men would always forgive them.

I put in my ear buds and headed out for my run, pushing myself extra hard after seeing his girlfriend. I wondered if she was the reason he had the job he did. It would take a lot of money to keep her happy and she obviously had no interest in saving him.

I also wondered if he used the practiced lines on her, or if he had genuine prose to tell her of his love. I could definitely picture him screaming her name, hell; she probably screamed her own name, too. I got my coffee and began the short walk home when I saw Carlisle Cullen, surrounded by reporters. He had microphones stuck in his face and he seemed very angry about something.

I headed to the crowd of people and tried to hear what was being said. "I stand by my story and I will testify if I am needed," Mr. Cullen said and then pushed his way from the crowd.

I didn't watch the news very often, preferring my love stories since I didn't actually participate in the world. I wondered what was going on in my city that had everyone in such an uproar. There were several people on the sidewalk I could ask, but speaking to strangers face to face was not something I dared to do.

I headed home and got my hand weights from the bedroom when I heard my neighbor talking softly to the woman. I was so tempted to listen but I only had a few minutes before I needed to log onto my computer. I was trying to juggle the weights and my coffee and dropped one right on my toe.

I cried out in expletives as I hopped around on one foot. I looked down to see my second toe very misshapen. "No," I cried out loudly, panicked that I wouldn't be able to run or walk on the treadmill. I could feel my body ballooning as I stared at the throbbing toe.

It couldn't be broken, it just couldn't be. I tried to ignore my foot and get lost in work, but the pain was becoming unbearable so I logged off my computer and headed to the city clinic. I filled out forms in triplicate as my foot continued to swell. When I was called back and asked to step on the scale I refused to look at the number.

I hobbled to an examination room and a young doctor came in without even looking at me. He read my chart and glanced at my foot. "I can tell it is broken, do you want an x-ray to confirm or do you want me to just set it?"

"Is it going to hurt?" I asked and he looked at me like I was an imbecile.

"Yes, it's going to hurt," he answered dryly.

I knew he would never treat the blonde woman this way. He would probably offer to suck her toe all better. "Go ahead," I said and braced myself.

I refused to cry out. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of hearing my pain when his bedside manor had been so cold. He taped my toe and placed a thin sock over my foot and told me to stay off it for ten days.

"I run," I blurted out and wanted to hear him say running would be fine, standing on it was the only thing I needed to avoid.

He looked at my chart and finally directly into my eyes. "You are too thin, are you menstruating?"

I huffed with appall, a doctor should be beyond making fun of people, let alone their own patients.

He took hold of my arm and looked at it carefully. "See the build up of soft hair; it is your body trying to insulate itself. You are actually starving to death."

I jerked my arm out of his grasp and wanted to run out of his exam room, but I could hardly even walk. I felt tears sting my eyes and I looked at the ground as my heart was beating frantically.

"I would like for you to remove your shirt," he said and put the stethoscope in his ear.

Doctors were like policemen, you never considered telling them no, or refusing an order. I hesitantly pulled my shirt over my head and he frowned at the sight. I didn't expect anything different. I had been taken from doctor to doctor as a child by my mother, desperate to make her imperfect daughter perfect.

"How many calories do you eat a day?" he asked and I only shrugged.

I knew, I knew with exactness. I could tell him the caloric intake of every single day over the past five years.

"Whatever it is, double it," he said and I gasped loudly. "If you don't gain three pounds by next week I'm going to hospitalize you."

I felt like the world became a fun house mirror right in front of my eyes. Everything was distorted and skewed as people laughed and pointed. I walked to my car, using only my heel on the injured leg, and drove home as I sobbed.


	2. Chapter 4 thru 6

4

My week was spent in sublime happiness. I ate Oreos, potato chips, ice-cream, stuffing myself to the point of pain before running to the bathroom to throw up. I remained hidden in my car as I drove through fast food restaurants and convenience stores, enjoying to forbidden fattening and salty foods.

I became extremely constipated and had to resort to laxatives to keep my intestines working. If the doctor wanted me to gain I would show him just how much I could add to my already bulky frame.

The night before my appointment I was eating rocky road ice-cream in the bathtub when my neighbor spoke to me. I wondered if his girlfriend had told him what a freak I was and scared him off from our budding friendship. I didn't care; I never told him I was anything different.

"Hey," he called out. "Are you there?"

"Yeah," I answered with my mouth full.

"You lied to me," he said accusingly and I felt my hand freeze in mid air.

"When?"

"You said you were ugly. My sister-in-law said you're gorgeous."

I got out of the tub quickly, spilling water over the side. I threw the carton in my hand into the trash and toweled off.

"Did you hear me?" he asked.

"Leave me alone," I screamed sounding completely hysterical.

"No," he screamed back. "I think you're in trouble and I'm here if you need me."

"And exactly what are you going to do to help me, describe your dick to me? Don't bother; I've already heard it many times."

"I hear things, too," he said and I felt my bravado quickly retreat.

"Either you drink until you can't handle it anymore, or you are eating and then purging. Am I right?"

I stared at the wall in shock and turned to the mirror to look myself in the eyes as my face stared back at me. I saw it, for only a brief second I saw the gaunt, pale, face of a woman being starved. I looked down at my hip bones protruding grotesquely and the soft down covering my abdomen.

I began shaking my head, refusing to believe what I saw because he was the master of lies. He told women they were beautiful and desirable. He told them things about his body and cried out for them with fake declarations. He was lying to me now and making my mind believe him.

I never answered his question and he soon got caught up in his phone calls. I woke the next morning and instead of going to the doctor I put on my running clothes and headed for my usual route. I had to go slow and my toe began pulsating but I was able to finish at the coffee stand.

I walked in and saw Edward Cullen. He wouldn't know I was coming so much later than usual and most likely trying to avoid me. I ordered my coffee and as I headed out the door he followed.

"Bella, can I ask you a question, I need some advice for a friend?"

I nodded as I sipped my cup. "What is the appeal to running? Is it for your health or the runners high, what?"

"I started running for my health, now I just like it," I lied.

"Do you know anyone who exercises to the extreme?" he asked.

I stared directly into his beautiful face and said, "No, I don't."

"I know someone who I think is obsessed with dieting. I just don't know what to do about it," he said with a worried face.

"Why do anything?" I asked wondering why he would interfere with something the person was most likely being begged to do.

"Yeah, you're right, it isn't any of my business."

I began backing up to get out of anymore conversation with him when someone came from behind me to join Edward. I stared at the gorgeous blonde I had talked to outside of my neighbor's door, his sister-in-law, he had called her.

"Hi," she said to me with a smile and I watched her take hold of his arm. Edward couldn't be her husband; he had asked me on a date.

"This is Rosalie, my sister-in-law," he said to introduce us.

My mouth fell open and I stared at him with wide eyes. I could see her mouth forming words but the loud sound of blood rushing from my head kept them silent to me. Edward's head turned slowly to look at me as the realization settled on him who I was. He paled, too.

Nothing made sense; he was Carlisle Cullen's son, living in a tiny downtown flat, making money by talking anonymous women through their orgasms.

His eyes fell to the cement and it was the action I was waiting for. I turned and ran. I was embarrassed, humiliated, and wondering if we could just return to the pretend ignorance of the other person existing.

I still had no idea I was the friend he was asking about.

I wasn't sure if I could remain in the apartment if he wanted to talk through the wall so I showered and dressed before logging onto my computer. I never heard him return and worked through my lunch hour since I had logged on so late.

By the time I finished for the day I wanted to be gone when he came back for his calls. I decided to see a movie, and didn't care if it wasn't a love story. I got my purse and headed out the door.

I locked my apartment and spun around bumping right into Edward Cullen's chest. "It's about time," he said.

I used my hands to push him back out of my personal space and glanced at his face.

"I didn't think you were ever going to leave," he explained.

"You were waiting for me?" I asked in shock.

"Yes, I'm taking you to dinner."

"I ate," I said and let my eyes fall to the ground as usual.

"Well, I'm going to feed you more than air," he said and took hold of my arm.

I pulled back and he stopped to look down where he was just touching me. "My God, you wear layers," he observed.

"I get cold," I said and he reached out to lift up my sweatshirt.

I froze in shock at his boldness and he grabbed the belt loop of my jeans. "Look at this Bella, look at how big these are."

There it was, there were the words I knew were coming. He made me stand right in front of him as he commented on the large size of my jeans. I slapped his hand away angrily. "Bigger the better, remember; only voluptuous women know how to please a man."

"Voluptuous, are you fucking kidding me," he said with wide eyes.

"I know it's a lie," I said as tears began to fall. "Those were your words I was using."

His jaw grew tight and his eyes narrowed as if he was struggling with some sort of decision. He finally grabbed my arm and marched easily back to his front door.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"I'm showing you something."

He unlocked his door and pushed me inside. I expected it to be dark and seedy looking with lava lamps and cigars burning in large ashtrays. It was clean and modern, with a flat screen television hooked to the wall. I instantly wondered why he didn't use it more often. My fantasy stars would look incredible in high definition.

He took my hand in his as I stared at my surroundings dumbly and pulled me into his room. My eyes went strait to the pictures, graphic pictures, photographs of women in seductive pornographic poses stuck all over the wall.

He ripped a few down and handed them to me. "This is voluptuous."

The women were large, but they weren't looking at the ground trying to keep the comments from coming for them. They were smiling, and posing, and trying to be sexy for the camera. They were beautiful.

"I could never do this," I said in a whisper and held the pictures out for him without looking up.

"Do what, eat?"

My eyes snapped up and I threw the pictures hatefully at him and turned to leave. He jumped in my way and blocked the door, making me truly afraid.

"I didn't show you those for the poses," he tried to explain. "I showed you what women with meat on their bones look like."

"You think I don't know," I screamed. "I was three hundred and thirty-four pounds when I graduated from high school. I know, Edward, I know exactly what it looks like. I don't want your lies about how appealing I am when I hear the truth screamed at me through car windows."

"You're not appealing," he said to cut me like a knife. "You look emaciated. You look skeletal. You look starved. What other word can I use that you'll dismiss? Tell me what I can say that you can twist to be offensive and mean you're fat?

"Stop," I said and backed away from him.

"Your jeans are too damn big for your body that was what I meant. You wear layers so people can't tell you are about to waste away. You are on the fucking treadmill constantly and spent more time vomiting this week than actually eating.

"This means nothing to you," I said with a shaky voice. "You're nothing but a bottom feeder on society."

"You know nothing about me," he said as he worked to contain his anger.

I waved my hand at the wall of naked women and laughed cynically. "I know everything about you."

He didn't stop me as I walked past him. He stood perfectly still with his shoulders slumped in defeat. He was nothing more than a pornographer and tried to make me believe his lies. I was almost to the front door when he called out.

"Who should I call?"

I looked back to see if he was talking to me, since I didn't understand his question.

"When you die and your body begins to rot, and the police breakdown your door to remove the stench, who should I notify?"

I shook my head with distain and spoke with a clear voice, "You just don't get it. There isn't anyone to call."

I slammed his door as I left. That was my one and only trip into someone's apartment other than my own. It was the one and only time I had ever been in a man's bedroom. It was also the one and only time anyone had ever considered me a friend.

I drove to the theater and bought a ticket to the next movie starting. I stood in line for some popcorn, keeping my head lowered and singing song lyrics in my head so I couldn't hear the rude comments from the men taking their perfect women on dates, praying they never looked like me.

I took my bucket and my drink and sat on the very back row. I watched as people filled in the seats as they cuddled and chatted. My hand moved effortlessly from the bucket to my mouth, but I drank sparingly, so I wouldn't have to make my way down the aisle to the bathroom. I would wait until the entire theater cleared before coming down from my perch.

The movie was a love story after all. The hero loved the woman who ran through jungles and never broke into a sweat; she swam in tiny bikinis and kept her make-up perfect. He was able to pick her up and carry her for long distances, and make love to her against a wall as his large body covered hers.

There was never a movie where the man loved a woman for her personality or wanted pictures of her large body lying seductively across the bed. I saw a young couple in front of me kissing passionately and wondered if he would still love her when she looked like the women on Edward's wall or if he would leave her and search for the heroine on the screen who didn't exist.

I waited for everyone to leave and made the lonely trek to my car and drove home. I knew Edward would be busy with his calls, but I tiptoed up the stairs and quietly opened my apartment door. I left the lights off and stripped off the layers and climbed silently into bed.

He was in his bed, talking softly. I didn't dare adjust my body to get comfortable in case the bed squeaked. I could hear him clearly.

"I feel like I'm going insane, Jaz. I don't even know her but I'm drawn to her. I thought she was two different people and each one had such a pull for me. I'm mesmerized by her."

Surely he wasn't talking about me; it had to be some other person he knew as Edward Cullen and as the sex phone guy.

"You manage to do it, I could, too"

I wanted to ask him if he was talking about lying, because he surely managed to do it already.

"Talking to these women is starting to make me physically ill, especially knowing she can hear me. I wish there was some way to quit."

My interest was piqued. He sounded like he was being forced into his occupation and I wondered if he owed money to someone or would be killed by some online pimp if he walked away. I was imagining all sort of covert situations when his phone rang. I hadn't realized he was talking on his cell.

"I have to get that call," he said with a sad voice. "Thank God, she's not home."

Me, he was talking about me, he was mesmerized by me, and he was lying to a friend about me.

He answered the ringing phone and said, "I've been waiting all night for you, are you wet for me?"

My eyes became blurred by tears and I felt sick. I felt betrayed by his confession to the Jaz person, and then his immediate ability to speak graphically to another woman. I wondered what else he did when he thought no one was around to hear.

5

I dreamed of Edward Cullen. I was lying in his arms as he told me I was beautiful and my body turned him on. I smiled as he touched my flesh without cringing and recited poetry in my ear. He begged me to believe him and let him love me. I agreed and he kissed me, like the boy in the theater, with love and unrestrained desire. I wanted him to know what it meant to me and professed my love loudly.

Echoing laughter rang out and I sat up, totally naked, to see we were on a stage with the curtain open, performing for a full audience. I looked over at the only man to offer me physical love and he was laughing as he held his hands up in abhorrence.

"I knew you would never love me," I told him through his laughter. "You lied to me, and my heart knew it."

My eyes shot open and I was gasping for air. I sat up and looked around the familiar room, finding an audience nowhere in sight. I stumbled from my bed and got a drink of water. I made my way back to the dark room and felt a shiver when I got back into bed.

"You're wrong, Bella," he said with his mouth against the wall.

"About what?" I asked with irritation.

"I could easily love you, and I would never lie to you."

My heart skipped a beat and I held still as I tried to remember if I had actually dreamed the whole thing.

"Bella?" he called out and I wanted to answer him so badly. I wanted him to be my phantom coming in the night begging me to love him, but even that opera demanded a beautiful Christine.

"No," I said and placed my ear buds in my ears and let the music sing me to sleep.

I woke up and felt the need to run extra long because of the gorging of popcorn the night before. I dressed and grabbed a water bottle, but when I opened the door Edward was waiting, wearing his own running clothes.

I smiled knowingly. He smoked, he worked until the early morning hours, and he had on sneakers instead of running shoes.

"Who do I call?" I asked as I walked past him to stretch.

"What?" he asked.

"When you fall to the pavement from smokers cough, and the ambulance has to give you one hundred percent oxygen as they rip the blisters from your feet, who do you want me to notify?"

He laughed and it made me smile. I was glad he was walking behind me and didn't notice.

"Don't worry, they'll call you," he teased and I looked back to roll my eyes at him.

I wondered for a moment what the women would actually do if someone else answered their calls. Was it specifically Edward they wanted or would any voice in the dark do?"

I began stretching as he sat on the curb and waited. I was sure he would be cramping after the first mile. I put in my ear buds and turned the music up loud so I wouldn't have to talk to him and took off. He followed right next to me as if it took no effort at all.

By the time we arrived at the coffee shop my toe was killing me and he was still even with my pace. I realized it was stupid to think I would be in better shape than he was. What man couldn't keep up with a woman who ran to get rid of extreme popcorn consumption? He could probably walk and keep pace with me.

I slowed to a jog and then to a walk. He punched my arm and smiled widely, but I looked away before he could see my tears. He finally noticed my limp and asked, "Did you pull a muscle?"

"No, I have a broken toe," I said to use as an excuse.

"You just ran at that speed with a broken toe?"

"Yes, and just so you know it is my usual speed, so keep your insults to yourself."

I was walking with my hands on my hips as my heart rate slowed and he reached out to grab onto my elbow and pulled me to a stop.

"Do you actually listen to what people say, or do you have conversations in your own head?"

"I don't know, Edward; people usually don't talk to me."

He stared for a moment and shook his head, "I'm talking to you."

"And why exactly is that, I didn't call and I'm not paying you," I said to lash out and the hurt I caused was instantaneous.

He moved as if I had shoved him away from me and quickly turned his back and walked toward his apartment. I got my coffee and headed home to log into work. It was an exceptionally busy day with people making Christmas travel arrangements far in advance.

I wondered what it would be like if I showed up for the holidays. My parents hadn't seen me since I lost the weight and I wondered if they would notice or if I would have to tell them. I couldn't see the disappointment in my mother's eyes. I would have to wait until I lost more weight before I could decide to come home.

At noon I logged off just as the doorbell rang. I opened it to find a pizza delivery. "I didn't order that," I said in a panicked voice.

"I did," Edward said and took it from the boy's hands and walked inside my apartment.

"Somebody owes me fourteen bucks," the kid said and I grabbed my purse in anger and handed him a twenty before shutting the door.

Edward tossed the pizza on the table and then turned to look around my apartment. His eyes stopped at the walker, elliptical and cycle. "Did you find a fire sale at a gym?"

"Take the pizza and leave," I said in anger.

"I respect the fact you lost weight, Bella. It shows you have a lot of inner strength, but you're mentally stuck inside the girl you used to be. Life should be fun now, this is your only shot at being young and adventurous, but you are missing out by refusing to see the truth."

"Truth, you're going to speak to me about truth," I asked with raised eyebrows.

"I'm an actor, not a liar," he said to qualify his actions and I laughed. He narrowed his eyes and everything exploded out of him.

"Fine, you want honest, I'll give you honest. I hate what I do, the women make me sick to my stomach, and I worry about becoming so disgusted by them that I will never be able to make love to a woman again. I feel cheap and dirty and the money makes me feel like a whore. But then I look at you, dressed in clothes too big, layer upon layer, with wrists so small I worry that I will break them, and my body comes alive. You make me laugh, and not at you, but by the witting things you say. You inspire me to stop smoking and get in shape. But the thing that consumes me, eats away at me day and night, is why can't you see how great you are?"

I stared at his face, pleading with me to give him just a bit of insight so he could figure out the puzzle right in front of him. My soul was screaming for me to let him in, let him see what I knew to be the truth, so someone could finally understand.

"You have it easy," I began. "You can refuse to answer the phone if it gets to be too much. I had to hear the remarks, and the laughter, and the teasing. I had food thrown at me in the cafeteria and called cow, and pig, and horse. My only friends were kids who were forced to work with me on school projects. I stood in my underwear in front of doctors and therapists and was sent to fat camps as my mother cried over what she produced. I hid food in baggies in the toilet tank, because when it got dark and the only thing to occupy my mind was my own voice, I needed something to ease the pain. But it was never enough; I needed food like other people needed oxygen. And when I finally, finally, broke the cycle, people, perfect strangers, would yell at me for having the audacity to walk in public. Men especially would laugh and comment when I tried to order salad or yogurt. They would ask me if I could even reach my cunt, grown adult men would speak to me like that. So exactly where is the fun in life I am supposed to be experiencing. If I have no sense of self worth it is because everyone I have come into contact with took it from me."

He stood in stunned silence most likely remembering rude things he had said over the years to people like me. He looked over at the pizza and I wiped my tears furiously.

"Take it and leave," I said again and he reached for the box and walked to the door. He set the box outside and shut the door as he remained inside.

I watched as he walked toward me and my entire body was shaking as I wrapped my arms around my middle. He pushed my hair from my face and pulled me into a tight hug. "You didn't deserve any of it, I am so sorry for what you experienced."

Nobody had ever shown me kindness like this, not even my own parents. My spirit which longed for this my entire life reacted for me. My arms circled around him and I let go, literally, I let my body completely relax and he held me up, keeping me upright without making noises of strain.

I had spent many hours over the course of my life crying. But the sounds coming out of me now were so basic, buried in our DNA from when we became whatever we are and however we became it. Words had not been invented to release the type of pain I had buried deep in my soul. Only sounds could purge it from the darkness.

He never laughed and he never asked me to calm down. He only held me up as I made room inside for a small amount of change.

My strength began to return to my limbs and I used my arms first to hold him with gratitude. I stood to carry my own weight and his arms loosened to rub up and down my back gently. It was too late to pretend to be anything other than completely broken. I didn't try to hide it and he led me to my small sofa and pulled me into his arms as we sat.

"I would take it away if I could, I would gladly take even one moment of it away," he whispered and it wasn't a line I had ever heard him use before.

"It's like spilled milk, you can't take it back," I said with an even unemotional voice.

"But you can cover it in sugar to hide the spill, make it something sweet," he said and I chuckled.

"I would just lick it up and gain five pounds."

His arms tightened around me and he said with a sigh, "You are such a negative bitch sometimes."

"I can't help it," I whispered.

We sat silently for a few moments and he finally pulled back and raised my chin with his finger and thumb. He stared at my mouth and I was sure he was going to kiss me. My body was full of hope and full of fear as he licked his lips and stared.

"What are you doing?" I finally asked.

"I'm not going to kiss you," he answered.

"I wouldn't let you, anyway," I said to save my wounded pride.

"I'm going to wait until you're happy. I want to kiss you when you're happy and smiling at me."

"We'll never share a kiss," I told him as I looked into his eyes.

"Sure we will, and much, much, more."

My entire body broke out in goose bumps, but he didn't now due to my layers. I sat back and he stood to leave. I felt a new pain, one most girls experience as teens in high school. A pain I was sure I would be spared throughout my life. He turned to look at me when he got to the door and said, "Will you go on a date with me Friday night?"

I ignored the new pain and nodded. He smiled and left. I put my hand over my heart and let the pain consume me with a smile on my face. I was in love; I was in love with Edward Cullen.

6

That night Edward's calls were taken on the far side of his kitchen so I could only hear the murmur of his tenor voice. I was glad; I wouldn't want to hear him saying things I would most likely never hear. I didn't pretend to believe we would ever actually have sex; my only hope was a small kiss before he lost interest.

The following day right at five a knock sounded on my door. I was still with a customer and had to ignore it thinking the person surely left. I opened my door to find a tiny woman in stylish clothes, perfect make-up and five inch heels smiling at me.

"I'm Edward's sister, Alice," she announced to send my hope of a small kiss scurrying away.

"Of course you are," I said with disappointment.

She frowned and bit on her perfectly manicured fingernail before asking, "May I come in?"

"Did he send you?" I asked.

"No, that is why I want to come in, before he sees me."

I stepped back and she bounced into the room. I couldn't remember ever bouncing into a room; in fact, it was safe to say I had never bounced into a room in my entire life. She looked around quickly without offering a disapproving glance or an approving glance and announced. "My boyfriend Jasper is Edward's best friend."

"Jaz?" I asked.

"Yeah, do you know him?"

I chuckled at her assumption that big, fat Bella would know anyone named Jaz. "No," I said bluntly.

"Well, it doesn't really matter, I guess. Edward tells Jasper things and Jasper tells me. He likes you," she said with a smile.

"Jasper?" I asked trying to purposefully sound obtuse.

She laughed loudly and I knew her brother would hear her. "Edward," she said to correct me.

I nodded for her to continue with the purpose of her visit but she sat down on the couch and patted the seat next to her. I fell onto the cushion and turned my head to look at her.

"I want your help with something, but you can't tell him, okay? Can I trust you?"

I glanced at the wall and wondered if he was listening. I finally held up my finger and grabbed a pen and paper. She wrote quickly and had horrible penmanship. It was something tiny to make myself feel superior, but at least it was something.

I read her message: Edward's birthday is coming up and we want to give him a surprise party.

I really hoped she didn't want my advice on parties. I had never been invited to one single party in my life and my sweet sixteen, which my mother was sure kids would come to if she threw it at the country club, was attended by one girl, Angela. She was the preacher's daughter and probably attended as some sort of penitence.

"What does it have to do with me?" I asked with suspicion. I had a sick feeling they were planning a cruel trick on me and I wanted her to leave.

She took the paper and wrote: We want you to get him there.

My mind was reeling and the only thing I could think of was asking him to go on a run with me. I could run to the spot they wanted him and then keep going as they all screamed surprise. I glanced at the wall and whispered, "What about his phone calls?"

Alice gave me an odd look and wrote down: What phone calls?

I wasn't sure what do say, maybe the voice of Seattle had no idea what his son was doing to make a living. It wasn't my place to out her brother as the prince of pornographic talk so I simply asked her, "When and where?"

"He has tickets to a concert Friday night," she whispered and I realized it was where he planned on taking me. "I'm going to make sure he misplaces the tickets so he has to plan something else. If you ask him to do something he will happily agree, because he likes you."

"So where should I take him?"

"My parents own a house up the coast," she began and I said too quickly, "Yeah, I know where it is."

Her eyes got big and she smiled as if she knew some big secret. "The party will be on the beach at their house."

"Give me your number and I'll call you when I drop him off," I said and she looked at me funny again.

"You're invited to the party," she said and I let my eyes drop.

"No, it's okay, I don't own party clothes," I said and hoped she would drop it.

"All you need is a pair of shorts and a shirt to throw on over your swimsuit," she said with a laugh and I was gripped with fear. Swimsuit shopping was torture for the thinnest of girls, there was no way I was going to subject myself to that.

"I'll just drop him off," I said again and tried to swallow with my dry throat.

She watched me for a moment as she chewed on the side of her cheek. She finally stood and pulled something out of her purse and tossed it to me. If you like it I have a bunch of them in several colors. I held up the scrap of material she threw on my lap to see it was a tiny cotton skirt.

"You would look great in blue; do you have a blue sweatshirt or sweater to go with it?"

"I can't wear this," I said with a stunned voice as I glared hatefully at her.

"Why, are you part of some religious affiliation that makes you dress like that?" she asked as she pointed at my attire.

I looked down and my clothes and back at the tiny skirt. She assumed religion kept me covered and I wondered if she had some sort of shoe horn she planned on using to squeeze me into her skirt. I handed it back and said, "It won't fit."

She didn't reach for what I was handing over and shrugged. "We can use a safety pin to hold it up."

I was done; her pretense at being my friend was over. She was insulting me and thinking I wouldn't know the difference. I dropped the skirt at her feet and said, "Let yourself out," as I walked away.

I shut my bedroom door but she followed right behind me, holding the skirt in her hand. "I can take it in, I'm a pretty good seamstress," she said.

I didn't care about her party or the fact Edward could hear anything we said in the bedroom. I turned to her and screamed, "It is too small, I'm too fat. There, I said it, now you can go laugh with your brother and his friend.

Her eyes narrowed with her own anger and she stepped closer to me and said with a calm yet forceful voice, "If it fits, you have to pay for manicures for both of us, and if it doesn't fit, I'll pay."

I pulled it from her hand and kicked off my shoes before pulling down my pants and then my thermals I had on underneath. I pulled on the skirt to prove it wouldn't go past my knees and was stunned when he flew up my legs and hung precariously around my hips.

"Shit, it doesn't fit," she said as she scrunched up her face and pinched the extra material to see how much excess there was. "Guess I'm paying for our manicures."

"This can't be right," I said pulling the skirt around to see the tag read, size 0.

You would think I would be happy, but I wasn't, if I was truly a size zero why was my life still so awful. Why were people still laughing at me and staring with disgust. They were, weren't they? I was no longer certain of anything and I felt overwhelmed. Alice looked up at my face when she finished playing with the skirt to make it fit.

"Is something wrong?" she asked.

"This isn't me," I said as my tears fell.

"If you want something more your style, I understand," she said trying to be kind. I had to be thin, because women like Alice would never be here if I was still obese.

"I don't know how to…I mean I..." My eyes turned to my closet and all I saw were huge outfits that fit until a moment ago. "I don't know what my style is."

She squealed loudly and jumped up and down with my hand in hers, "We're going shopping, come on."

She pulled me forward and I almost tripped over my pants which were lying on the ground. She grabbed a pair of my flip flops and gave me just enough time to find my purse and slip on the shoes. We drove to the mall as she chatted about the party and the guest list, but I didn't hear a word past the part where her boyfriend would be out of town for the party.

She brought me clothes to try on, outfit after outfit looking much too small, but fitting loosely. She arranged them on my body in ways I never thought possible. She tied up the shirts and rolled down the shorts and skirts. My bra showed through the tees and was proudly displayed as an accent.

The final dress was a tight simple black dress with a racer back, showing off my shoulders. I could see what it looked like in my mind, my large arms rippling with cellulite and bulging out the sides of the dress. Alice brought me in front of the three way mirror and I stared at the stranger in front of me.

She was made for the dress. Her long arms hung to her side without touching her torso at all. The dress naturally cinched at the waist and then curved slightly over her hips. She looked stunning and when I raised my eyes to look into hers we both began to cry.

"A pair of ankle boots would look amazing with that dress," Alice said as she continued to look at the dress and not my face.

Maybe skinny women never got attention, maybe men only looked at fat women and totally ignored skinny women because there was nothing to laugh at or make crude comments about.

I came home loaded down with bags and looked at the clothes as I hung them up. I couldn't understand how they could fit onto my body. Alice made manicure appointments for the next night and then it would be Friday. I looked over at the wall and prayed he wasn't planning a cruel joke.

When I climbed in bed I heard a soft knock on the wall. "Bella," he called out.

"Yeah?" I answered.

"I wrote you a poem," he said and my mind went back to sophomore year when a boy wrote an obscene limerick on my locker.

I didn't respond so he asked, "Do you want to hear it?"

"Okay," I said hesitantly.

_I speak clearly the words I don't mean,_

_And whisper painfully the truth._

_My reflection is fuzzy as I search for my heart,_

_But she mirrors plainly my only desire._

He waited for my response, but I remained silent. I wanted to believe in him with all my heart, but I had been pushed down so many times and never had the confidence to believe sweet words. How was I supposed to tell him I was waiting for the laughter and the names that I was sure he was holding back for the moment that would be the most painful to me?

"You don't like it?" he asked with a sad voice.

"Why did you write it?" I asked.

"I was thinking about you," he said and I reached out and placed my hand against the wall. I saw fingers swollen and round, but my print was long and narrow.

"Thank you," I said just a bit louder than a whisper.

"Don't stand me up Friday," he said with a voice so different from the one he used on his phone calls.

"Do you mind if I plan what we do?" I asked and felt myself smile.

"Sure," he said but sounded worried.

"Edward," I called out.

"Yeah," he answered.

"Thank you, for the poem. It was beautiful."

His phone rang and I heard his painful sigh. "You're welcome, sleep well."

I heard him climb off the bed and answer the phone on his way out of the room. "Hello doll, what do you need from me tonight?"

I closed my eyes and tried to block out the words he was saying to bring her to ecstasy. I concentrated on the poem, he wrote me a poem, and there was nothing mean or obscene about it.


	3. Chapter 7 thru 9

7

When Friday night arrived I was so nervous I felt faint. This would be my first date. I had heard girls talk about dates all the time and they sounded fun, but this wasn't fun, it was tense and too fraught with expectation. I reminded myself to stay sharp and watch for any signs of this being a set up. I feared my heartbreak would be filmed as an exposé for Carlisle Cullen to show the entire city.

By the time Edward knocked on my door I was ready to cancel. I opened it and he saw my face, knowing immediately I was just barely hanging on.

"Hey, hey, hey," he said as he stepped inside and held my face in his hands. "It's just you and me, tonight."

I almost told him, I came so close to blurting out my first party would be the same night as my first date and I didn't think I could handle it.

"Do you want to stay in and watch a movie instead of going out?" he asked.

"No," I said like a child pouting. He wouldn't kiss me unless I was happy, and ruining his birthday would not make me happy, so we had to go out in order to get my first kiss, too.

"So," he said as he waited, "Where are we going?"

"Can we go to the beach first, by your parent's house, maybe if we walk and talk I'll loosen up?"

He gave me a big smile, obviously liking the idea of going to the beach and held out his hand for mine. We walked to his car, which was a brand new Volvo, not the image of a phone sex guy at all. He opened my door and when I sat down he ran his hand through my hair. I was so happy I didn't have to have the spoken version of his game, the live version was so much better.

"You look really pretty," he said as we pulled out of the parking lot.

I looked down at my exposed legs which seemed to fill the seat and wished for my thermals. My bulky sweatshirt over my new bikini top made me feel so much more comfortable and I knew there was no way the shirt was coming off.

I looked out the window and refused to respond.

We pulled into his parent's driveway, just like Alice said he would, and he turned to smile at me. "Do you mind if we pop in and I introduce you?"

I couldn't find my voice so I only shook my head and gave him a shaky smile. I was terrified, knowing this was the moment; if they were going to be cruel it would be now.

He held my hand tightly and could feel my trembling so he used both hands to hold my one. We walked through the dark house as he called out for his parents. He finally led me to the back deck where people screamed surprise in unison and cheered loudly.

The place was packed; easily over one hundred people were dotting the sand. Edward ducked his head as he mumbled, "Oh God."

"Are you mad at me?" I asked him, sensing his hesitation.

"No, I just wanted to tell you some things before you heard them from other people."

He only got to say the one line. He was pulled from my side and onto the sand as various people descended on him. Nobody had a clue who I was and I was left standing alone on the deck. I kept my head down as I moved to the railing on the side and leaned against it. I could stare at nothing for hours, a talent I learned early in life.

Large amounts of food were placed on a table and kegs were flowing quickly. I was handed a beer, but I don't know by who and stared at the golden liquid filled with empty calories. I took a sip and it was cold and rich, so I took another one. I decided to forgo the food table and just drink a beer or two.

I hadn't eaten at all the entire day and after only a few sips I began to feel the calming effects of the drink. By the time I was noticed by a gorgeous woman I was feeling down right relaxed. She smiled and I smiled back, a full smile, not a tense, hesitant smile.

"I'm Esme, Edward's mother," she said and held out her hand.

"His mother?" I gasped. "You look like you could be his girlfriend, not his mother."

It was not an appropriate thing to say but it fell from my relaxed lips.

"I think you are his girlfriend," she laughed.

"No, I'm big fat Bella, he would never like me," I said as my sober inner monologue screamed at me to shut the hell up.

"Is it a joke?" she asked as she gave me a quick up and down glance.

"Always the joke," I whispered and she smiled causing me to smile back.

She nodded with her head for me to follow her and we walked into the kitchen to talk privately. She handed me a bag of chips and a bowl to fill as she added more fruit to a tray. "How did you meet my son?" she asked.

"These are really high in hydrogenated fat," I said and pushed the bag back to her.

"Are you a nutritionist?" she asked as she retrieved the bag.

"I am a food expert," I laughed and she gave me a wary look.

"So does Edward know you from work?" she pushed and I looked at her with wide eyes. Did she really think I called him for sex?

"I work for National Airlines, I'm a booking agent."

"Wow, you must travel to some pretty great places," she said and I laughed harder.

"I can't fit in the seats. The only places I have been are Forks, Washington and Seattle. Well, and all points in between."

"Now how did you meet Edward again?"

"Edward," I said with a sigh, "I think I might be falling in love with him."

Esme turned at a sound I didn't hear to see Edward standing in the doorway. He walked over to kiss his mother lightly on the cheek and thanked her for the party.

"I think your friend has had enough," she said with a smile and Edward looked at me with raised eyebrows.

"You actually drank something?"

"One," I said, but held up two fingers causing him to laugh.

"Any food to go with it?" he asked with a hopeful expression.

"Nope, I'm being strong," I said and held up my arm to display a hidden muscle.

He walked over by me and turned around, "Here, jump on my back and I'll show you how strong I can be."

"You can't carry me," I said adamantly. "You'll get hurt."

"You're hurting my pride, jump on," he said as his mother watched on in confusion.

I put my arms around his neck and he dipped down so I could bring my legs around his waist. He stood upright and walked easily from the room, across the deck, down the stairs, and into the darkness away from the crowd.

"You are so strong," I told him and he only gave me a tisk.

When he finally set me on my feet and turned to look at me, I could only see him from the moonlight. He was beautiful and I stared in awe. "Are you having fun?" he asked.

"Now I am," I said honestly.

He placed his hands on the side of my face and neck and leaned his forehead against mine. I could smell his breath and hear his shallow breathing. "Say it to me, what you told my mother, say it to my face."

I closed my eyes and said it in my mind, having no idea it came out of my mouth, "I think I love you."

He moved closer so my legs were now touching the insides of his and his face tilted just enough to touch his lips to mine. I stopped breathing and my arms hung uselessly at my sides. I had no idea what to do, but something primal, evolving through the centuries kept my mouth relaxed and moving easily with his.

His hands moved from my head and ran down my arms to pull them up to his shoulders. I let them slide around his neck as his tightened around my waist. His tongue moved into my mouth and the action made my arms tighten and I moaned unintentionally.

It set him on fire. His hands ran under my bulky shirt and up my shivering flesh. I wasn't cold, but I was shaking as if I was.

I had always imagined my first kiss would be at the door as the man told me goodnight. He would kiss me tenderly and I would open my door and walk away. This was not a first kiss, this was passion I wasn't ready for. When I tried to pull back he moved with me, maintaining contact.

I felt his hand pull on the tie holding my swimsuit top to my body. His long arms circled all the way around my torso and touched the sides of my breasts. I finally pushed him by the shoulders and turned my mouth away from him.

"No," I said loudly and he instantly dropped his arms from me and stepped back.

"I'm sorry, I thought…didn't you…I mean…"

I ran my hands through my hair and leaned over to clear my head. He took another step back and whispered, "I'm sorry."

"I don't know how to do this," I said in embarrassment and kept my back to him. "It's too much."

"Okay, I'll back off. I thought you wanted me," he said shamefully.

I turned to look at him and had to brush away my tears to see him clearly. "Wanted you, like sex?" I asked.

His head fell and he didn't answer.

"Edward, you just gave me my first kiss. This night is my first date. The only thing I know about sex is what I hear from you on your phone."

He shook his head forcefully and said, "That is not sex. That is…ugly."

"Ugly I know all about," I said and turned back to the blackness of the ocean.

"Don't do that," he said with a grimace. "Don't use my words as personal insults."

"Then you'll have to stop speaking to me," I whispered.

He came up behind me and pulled me against his chest as he rocked us back and forth. "I want you to love me, because I love you. I want you to want me, because I want you."

"I do want you, I just can't move so quickly, it scares me," I said trying to explain.

"Okay, I won't push you, just let me know when you're ready," he said and kissed my head.

"You seriously expect me to call you and say, 'come screw me I'm ready,' like it only takes a certain amount of days?"

"Please, don't call," he laughed and it made me laugh with him.

I turned in his arms to face him and put my forehead on his chest. "I'll always be afraid to let you see my body," I admitted.

He leaned his head down to speak into my ear, using a voice I had heard him use before, "I can make you love your body."

I raised my head and looked at his crooked smile before saying, "Fine, give me your number."

I thought it would offend him and he would grow angry, but instead he laughed and lifted me off the ground and into a quick spin. He held me easily but the picture in my mind wondered how he could possibly get his arms around me.

After a couple of heart stopping kisses he said, "This has been the best birthday."

"Oh God," I gasped. "I didn't get you a gift. I've never been to a birthday party and I didn't even think about bringing a gift. I'm sorry, Edward."

"You got me a gift, Bella," he said as if I had lost my mind.

I wondered if Alice noticed how uncouth I was and purchased one for me to spare me from hurting her brother. He took my hand and led me to some lounge chairs against the sea wall and pulled me down with him onto the cushions.

He ran his finger down the contours of my face as he stared into my eyes. "You are my gift," he said and let his hand slide into my hair as he pulled me in for a kiss.

I leaned into his body and he rolled to pull me onto him. His hand moved to my skirt and pulled me against his aroused body. The feeling was amazing and I wanted more, but I also felt a bit of fear at the size of what I was feeling. I had only looked at pictures of men who were showing off their abs or leg muscles. I had never looked at a picture of an aroused man.

His hands began kneading the flesh under my skirt and I had to gasp for the air I needed. He was moving his pelvis against me in a perfect rhythm and my leg rose to his side to join him with my own movements.

The pressure was building and we began breathing in loud pants. His hands held me firmly to him, clamping on my leg and butt as I pushed up on my hands to stare down at him. His eyes were closed and his teeth were clenched. Just the sight of him fueled my lust and I whimpered with the pain of unfulfilled need.

His eyes shot open and he pulled me back to and rolled onto me. He locked his arms and watched me as he picked up the pace of his movements between my legs. I could feel the hardness of him and the friction was making my entire body rigid.

"You're almost there, love, let it happen," he said and I arched off the chair with my head straining on the cushion as I screamed out from a feeling so incredible it was painful. My body rippled like waves on a pond just as he pushed against me with force and yelled out in loud grunts.

It was at that point I heard it, the loud laughter from the crowd of people watching us. I heard the comments shooting at me from the dark. "Eddie's dry humping like in high school, Won't she give it up for you, She giving you wet dreams."

I began crying and swinging wildly at him to get off of me. He was trying to calm me but I wouldn't listen. I ran from him, down the beach and into the darkness, away from the laughing crowd.

8

I talked a cab driver into taking me home and waiting for me to get the money from my apartment to pay him. I left all my lights off and refused to answer when Edward knocked on the door or spoke to me through the walls. He finally gave up and left again.

I sat in the darkness and cried. My first time with a man in any way should have been safe and reassuring it was me he wanted and loved. I was humiliated and confused. I wasn't even sure what happened to me. What that what women called Edward for? Was that the release they were willing to pay a stranger to talk them through?

I understood the laughter a fat girl elicited, but this laughter made me feel ugly on the inside. I got up and headed to my refrigerator. I didn't want to be this girl anymore. I didn't want to be invited to parties or taken to the mall. I grabbed anything edible and ate it quickly. I sighed with familiar comfort, it was there all the time and I forced myself to live without it. I felt like I had been away for so long and I was finally home.

I slept in the next morning giving my toe a much needed rest. It was close to noon when I finally woke from the growling of my stomach. It wanted more of what I willingly gave it the night before. I dressed quietly so I wouldn't wake Edward and snuck out the door.

I headed to a restaurant and ate waffles with bacon and eggs. I ignored the faces around me and smiled at my plate. I stopped at a grocery store on the way home and filled the cart without looking at the nutritional information once. I planned to take the new clothes back to the stores on Monday morning. I learned years ago most stores are less crowded on Monday morning.

I lived like a thief in my own house the entire weekend. I moved quietly and only flushed the toilet if I heard Edward leave. I didn't respond to his pleading or his begging for forgiveness. Saturday night he let his phone ring without ever answering it. Sunday night he was short and rude with the women. I was sure he would lose his job and hopefully have to move back home with his parents.

On Monday I worked through the day before packing up the clothes to return. I opened my door and Edward fell into my apartment. He had been sitting against the closure to catch me coming or going. He jumped up quickly and stayed inside as he shut the door quickly.

"Get out," I said with my eyes down.

"Don't push me, Bella, I am so damn mad at you it is taking everything I have to stay calm."

"Mad at me?" I gasped. "I didn't do anything."

His eyes widened and his arms rose outward as if to steady himself from some unseen movement. "Are you stupid?" he yelled. "You ran from me, Bella. Me. The one person who would do anything for your love, and you ran."

"You humiliated me, Edward. You let them watch and laugh at me."

"Let them?" he screamed. "We got carried away on a dark beach, it isn't anything to be humiliated about."

"For you," I screamed back. "You do that verbally every night. It was new for me, and I didn't understand what happened."

"The entire world knows what a fucking orgasm is, are you really that dense?"

He didn't understand because he had been to parties his whole life. He had beautiful women in his bed to teach him things he was now an expert at. He didn't understand being so reviled that experiences he saw as normal had been kept from me. I never gossips with friends about their experiences and learned how to be with a man.

"Yes, I am," I said softly and watched his expression soften. "I gave you my love, I gave it to you ignorantly because it was you, and you let them laugh at me."

"Bella, you need to get some help, love. You don't see yourself as the world sees you. I understand you haven't been with a man, but it is hard for me to remember that when you are so beautiful and do the things you do."

"I don't do anything," I said, appalled he would accuse me of trying to seduce him or something.

He laughed and shook his head, "Right, you don't do anything. You don't press your body against me, or respond to my touch, or make sexy noises, or drive me insane with your grinding on me. That wasn't you."

I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I couldn't find the words for a rebuttal and I was confused.

"You're sexy, Bella. As a man I want you very badly, but then you tell me you love me and, God, I need you with a force I can hardly control. I've never been in love," he admitted and looked at me with such sadness. "I've had sex more than I care to admit, but I've never loved a woman until I met you."

"Edward, it doesn't matter what's on the outside because on the inside I am still the fat, ugly, lonely, disappointment. I know I need help, but those things you said I did, was in response to you. When you touch me, my body melts, but my mind tells me to watch out because he is only trying to hurt you."

"What does your heart tell you?" he asked.

"That I will spend my entire life loving you, but you will never be mine, so I shouldn't let you in."

He swallowed and nodded a couple of times before turning around and leaving my apartment. I knew from the many movies I should run after him. I should tell him I'm going to fight for him and we would fall into each other's arms and fade to black. It was the black that scared me so badly.

I sat down and grabbed my notepad and began really thinking about things. I needed food for comfort, but I wanted Edward for comfort. Food was safe, Edward was scary. Food would always be there, Edward would see the real me and leave. Food would make me fat, so Edward wouldn't want me, so he couldn't leave me, so the real me could stay hidden. I ate to keep people away so my own pain could stop me from feeling other pain.

I closed my eyes and let my head fall back onto the couch. I needed help, so I could stop being so afraid of the world. I looked at the bags I was going to return and I opened the door but couldn't go out. So I took them back into the bedroom. Edward was on the phone talking loudly since he thought he heard me leave.

"I can't do it anymore, the pretending is too hard. I should have found her by now."

"Maybe she knows who I am and won't ask me to meet her."

I moved closer to the wall as I listened to his conversation. He wanted to meet one of his callers, because he was looking for someone specific.

"I might go back to Chicago, I haven't really decided."

My heart was beating quickly and I felt panic rising up at the thought of never seeing him again. I needed to move quickly with getting help so I could somehow keep him. Having a relationship with him was scary, but never seeing him again was horrifying.

I got on my computer and looked up local therapists, reading all the reviews and recommendations. I finally settled on two and would see how I could get in to see the quickest. It was late when I got in bed and immediately Edward's phone rang.

"I've been waiting," he answered.

I closed my eyes and pretended he was talking to me. I smiled that he waited for me. He didn't lower his voice or move from the room, so I believed he truly was talking to me.

"I'll teach you what to do," he said. "I'll teach you about your body."

I nodded for him to continue. "Take your clothes off," he suggested and I quickly pulled my nightgown over my head.

"Everything, off."

I removed my underwear and dropped them off the side of the bed.

"Start at your ear, can you feel the soft flesh just under the lobe? It's soft and silky and it teases my fingertips with what's to come."

I let my finger run over the spot he was talking about and enjoyed the sensation, never thinking he would start there.

"Now, feel down your throat with a light touch and stop at the base of your neck. Press lightly and feel the pulsing of your heart. It calls to me, begging me forward as I kiss and lick the flesh that beats against my mouth."

I took a deep breath and felt my pulse quicken.

"Flatten your palm and move to you breast. Feel your nipple as it tightens and reaches greedily for my tongue. Oh God, I can taste you," he moaned and I felt my back arch as my body searched for him.

"Move your hand down until you feel the heat rising. It offers me a welcoming home, pulling me from the cold to burn forever, consumed by wetness just for me."

"Yes," I whispered.

"Take me there, take me home, and cry out my welcome so I can rush inside."

"Edward," I moaned. I moved as he commanded and cried out from the sensation, "Holy fu." I clamped my mouth shut and breathed heavily through my nose.

"Push off with your feet and rise to meet me. Bring the warmth I crave up to me."

I raised high off of the bed, resting on my shoulders as I tightened my hand to my sensitive body.

"I can be slow and gentle, or hard and furious, show me how you want me."

"Yes, yes," I cried out finding the motion I needed.

"Do you feel the barrier, the tightness keeping me back? Press down, press hard and let me in," he said with a strained voice, much more than I had ever heard him use before.

"Come on, Bella, hard, thrust into me, use your feet."

I was now the one grunting and feeling like I was having a strenuous workout. My muscles were tight and flexing with a slight burn. Sweat was forming on my body and my other hand moved willingly to my breast.

His words became jumbled and distorted as he yelled loudly and my entire body locked up at the sound he was making. I screamed into the pillow to muffle the noise and gasped for air as my body slowly relaxed again.

I realized I was crying, from joy, and pleasure, and knowledge of my body I had longed for. I had forgotten about Edward in my little bubble of ecstasy until I heard him say softly through the wall, "I love you."

"Are you on the phone?" I asked.

"No, I hung up after hello."

"Get over here Edward Cullen," I demanded and heard him jump up off of the bed.

I ran to the door to meet him completely forgetting I was naked. He was wearing a pair of gym shorts and nothing more. I jumped into his arms and kissed him with pure instinct without worry of skill. He didn't have to hold me to his body; I had glued myself to him so his hands were free to roam.

His hands were gentle and touched me softly with appreciation instead of pawing at me. I felt him begin to push me away so I let his mouth free to speak.

"Let me look at you," he said looking down at my body.

I let my legs fall and stepped back with my eyes closed. The room was silent and my heart began beating in fear. I finally opened my eyes to see a pained expression on his face. I took another step back and she shook his head.

"Bella, please, love. I am begging you to eat more. I am afraid for you, for us."

"I don't want to be like the women on your wall," I said softly and he closed his eyes in pain.

"I'll take the pictures down," he said misunderstanding my meaning.

"I meant their size, I don't want to be that size," I clarified.

He stepped up to me again and placed his hands on my hips before walking me backwards to my room. He stopped in front of the mirror and turned me around. "Bella, look at how your legs don't touch each other."

I stared at the space between my thighs which I was certain rubbed and bulged together in a mush of flesh.

"Look at your bones protruding from your hips with no curves, only bones."

I remembered seeing thick rolls hiding any sign of bones, but they were gone, only concave skin stretched from one hip to the other.

"Watch how my fingers can line up with your ribs knowing exactly where to lie because there is nothing to hide them."

He ran his fingers over my ribs like a xylophone easily counting each one.

I watched his hands move from spot to spot over the stranger's body in my mirror. I had never seen this body before. It was shriveled and sunken and appeared to belong to a child. I wanted a woman's body so I could please him. I closed my eyes and tried to will my real body back in place. I opened them and saw the same emaciated form I was trying to forget.

"That's me," I said as tears fell from my eyes. "How did that become me?"

His lips dropped to my boney shoulder and he kissed it several times. "I love you and I want you to be well. I want you to be healthy so you can be happy."

"I need help," I admitted out loud.

"I'll support you in every way," he said.

At that moment his phone rang and he closed his eyes as he sucked in a deep breath through his teeth.

"You have to go," I said for him.

He walked out of my bedroom with his head dropped sadly. I looked back at the mirror before grabbing my nightgown off the bed and pulling it over my head. I looked into the mirror now covered with draping flannel and felt the rolls of flesh return.

9

I got an appointment with a woman who was willing to see me right away. I walked into her large glass office and was met by a familiar face. I was tempted to turn and run before she could make her comments. She looked at me with no recognition.

"I have a one o'clock appointment," I said and kept my head obscured.

"And you name is?" Jessica Stanley asked.

"Um…Isabella Swan."

"I knew a Bella Swan," she laughed and began typing on her computer.

"Yeah, hi Jessica," I said and her fingers froze as she slowly raised her head to really look at me.

"No way," she said and let her mouth hang open in shock.

I walked over to sit down and out of her view but she jumped up and came around the counter to see all of me. "Oh my God, you are so skinny. How did you get so skinny? You must have lost like, hundreds of pounds."

My eyes grew wet and I stood quickly to leave when a woman opened her door and said, "Jessica, return to your desk. Ms. Swan, please come in."

Jessica rushed back to her desk and I headed quickly into the office hoping there was a back exit I could leave from.

"I'm sorry," the woman said. "I'm afraid Jessica can be a bit unprofessional sometimes."

"It's okay, I knew her in school," I admitted.

She motioned for me to sit and sat in a chair across from me. "You may call me Joyce; now tell me why you came today, Isabella."

"You can call me Bella," I offered as I tried to stall for time.

"Okay, Bella."

"Um…I used to be really fat, and I just got my first boyfriend. He thinks I don't see myself, I mean, my real self."

She smiled and I had the number ready to announce. I was sure she would ask what I used to weigh but she surprised me. "Tell me about this boyfriend."

"Edward?" I asked as if she had the information not me.

"Is that his name?"

"Yes," I said and smiled as I thought of him. "He lives next door. We can easily hear into each other's apartments. He can hear me exercising all the time and I listen to his conversations with women. Well, not really conversations. He works for a phone sex company. I hear him."

She began writing furiously and I waited for her to finish. She glanced at me again and said, "Have you been intimate with Edward?"

My face turned red and I wasn't sure how to answer her. "We got a little carried away on the beach. People saw us, and when they laughed and teased us I ran away."

"You were having intercourse?" she asked and I shook my head.

"We were just messing around."

"Does Edward have an education?"

"I don't know. His father is someone prominent and they have a lot of money. I don't think they know what he does. And I think he hates it, it makes him cry sometimes."

"How does it make you feel?"

"When he cries?"

"No, when he has sex with other women over the phone."

"Oh, well, he lies to them. Telling them what they need to hear. He showed me their pictures on his wall, and most of them are older and heavy."

"Dear Lord," she mumbled and sat her pen down harshly. "Bella, why do you think you are willing to put up with a man like Edward?"

"Like Edward? Edward is amazing," I said defensively.

"Edward is scum," she said as she stared directly at me.

My eyes darted around nervously as I struggled to find some way to explain how great he was.

"Phone sex lines are scams. They get the woman to talk and feel like they are having a relationship with the man so they can rack up the charges. They prey on women who are lonely or emotionally damaged. It is just a different form of victimization, and he lets you hear him?"

"He's not like that," I said with a weak voice.

"Bella, I have never heard of anyone having pictures of the women who call. It is totally inexcusable for him to have photos, let alone show them to you."

"He wanted me to see I'm not as large as I think I am," I said as the tears fell down my face.

"Honey, right now weight is a side issue. I am more concerned about this abusive relationship."

My voice was getting softer as I was caving into myself. She called him abusive and I felt stupid and naïve. I let a man tell me he loved me as he talked intimately with other women and stared at their pornographic pictures. He made me one of his callers by instructing me through the wall.

"I thought he loved me," I whispered.

"Because you don't think you deserve love. You telegraph your insecurities by being too large or too small. It is the same problem regardless of what the scale says. You need to stop being concerned about weight. Eat when you're hungry and exercise for health benefits, but you need to take a stand for yourself and demand respect from everyone in your life."

She talked at me for a solid hour and lectured me on boundaries and self respect. She told me to find girlfriends I can share and learn from. She made me practice looking people in the eye and asking for what I want. I left there exhausted and devastated.

I was unlocking my door when I stopped and stared over at Edward's door. I counted to three and walked over to knock loudly. He answered with a big smile that made my determination wane. When he reached for me I pulled away and walked right to his bedroom.

"Why do you have these pictures?" I demanded.

He looked at his wall and back at my angry face. "They send them to me," he said nervously.

"You give them your address?"

"No, I have a post office box."

"So, you ask them to send provocative pictures to you?"

He looked at the wall again and straightened his back. "Yes, I do."

"If I asked you to stop doing what you do, would you?"

I waited for him to answer but I already knew what the answer would be. He pretended to hate his job, even telling Jasper it sickened him. But he wouldn't quit, not even for me.

"Bella, I can't quit, and don't ask me to explain," he begged and wouldn't look at my face.

"So you want to have a relationship with me, because you love me, but you won't give up all these women?" I asked as I pointed at his wall.

"Bella, please believe me, there is a reason why I have to do this, I just can't tell you what it is."

"Does your family know you do this?" I asked him and he exhaled loudly.

"Bella, please."

"I want you to stop and find another job, for me, I don't want to listen to you with other women through the wall," I said as I dissolved into tears.

He walked over and began pulling the pictures off the wall. I watched him make the huge sacrifice for me. He dropped the pile of photos in the trash and turned to look at me. He held up both hands and said, "Done."

I ran to him and fell into his arm. "I love you, Edward. I'll get well for you, I promise."

His face buried in my neck and there was something tense and awkward about his hold. I tried not to concentrate on the oddness in the air; I focused on the feel of his body in my arms.

I eventually pulled back and told him I had to work for a few hours. He smiled and told me to go ahead; he had some errands to run and would come over when he got home. I worked until six and felt hungry so I made myself an egg white omelet and a piece of toast.

I forced myself not to obsess over the treadmill and decided to look up vacation spots my airline flew to as a distraction. It was nine o'clock and I realized Edward never came back, but also that his phone never rang. I began to truly worry and wondered if he went to talk to his boss and something happened to him.

I wanted to talk to Jasper but I had no idea how to find him or what his last name was. At ten I got in my car and drove to the Cullen's house. I kept going when I saw Edward's car in the driveway. I didn't want to be the insecure girl checking up on her guy, the first guy to ever look in her direction.

I was lying awake in my bed when I heard his door open and close softly. I looked at my clock to see it was three in the morning. I could tell he was trying to be quiet as he got into his bed. I waited until I knew he would be comfortable, thinking he made it in without waking me.

"Where were you?" I asked loudly.

"Hey, sorry to wake you," he said. "I ran into an old college buddy and we got some drinks to catch up, I didn't realize what time it was."

"Good, I'm glad you had fun, goodnight Edward."

"Goodnight love."

I rolled onto my side and stared into the darkness. He lied, and I didn't mean the words he just now fed me. He lied when he said he could easily love me and never lie to me. It wasn't because I was too fat or too skinny that he lied, it was because he was simply a liar. He called it acting, but I knew better now.

I smiled softly with the realization I wasn't blaming myself for his actions. He wanted me to see myself as a strong, desirable woman and he got his wish. I saw one thing very clearly; I was too good for someone like Edward Cullen.

I woke up early and took a run before buying a coffee and a muffin. I took a shower and dressed before logging onto my computer. I waited until ten in the morning and called my therapists office and asked for Jessica.

"Hello?" she said cheerily.

"Jessica, this is Bella, I was wondering if you would like to do something tonight?"

"Me and you?" she asked and I had to buoy myself a bit.

"Yeah, surely you know some fun places around here," I said trying to sound confident.

"I do," she said and seemed to warm up to the idea. "There is a great club by the university. It isn't all students like some of them are. Let's grab a bite at Baron's first about eight."

"Sounds fun," I said and hoped she didn't hear my voice shaking. I hung up and looked at the treadmill as I fought my inner demons. I had already eaten a muffin and now I was expected to eat dinner at eight o'clock. I decided I would eat something small and hope I would be asked to dance to work off the calories.

At noon Edward knocked. I left on my headset and opened the door. He looked so tired and the stress was showing on his face. I wondered for just a moment if he actually did go drinking with a friend, but then I remembered his car at the Cullen's and the fact his phone never rang.

I knew all about call forwarding, I was a master at hiding from the world so I knew all the tricks. He mistook my innocence as ignorance.

"Want to grab some lunch?" he asked and I noticed how he wouldn't look right at me.

"I would, but I have to work through lunch. I got a late start and I have plans with a girlfriend so I can't work later in the evening."

He gave me a sideways glance and I only smiled at him. "Who's the friend?" he asked.

"Jessica Stanley, from Forks, I ran into her yesterday at my appointment and we made plans."

"Okay, I have a line on a new job, I would still have to work nights but you wouldn't have to hear things through the wall. I actually wouldn't work out of my house anymore."

I stared at him and wondered if I had stupid written all over my face. I held up my finger suddenly and returned to my computer to take a call. He waited for a few moments and finally walked over to kiss my cheek and headed back to his apartment.

I closed my eyes to gain my composure and reached over to turn my phone back on so I could really take calls.


	4. Chapter 10 thru 12

10

I stared in the mirror and refused to let the negative thoughts come bubbling to the surface. I had on the little black dress I bought on my shopping trip with Alice, complete with the ankle boots she insisted on.

I worked on my make-up for close to an hour, trying to mimic the latest styles I saw in magazines. My hair hung around my shoulders and I left it a bit messy so I wouldn't look like I was trying too hard. I used my perfume with the dusty lid and had to force myself to leave the apartment.

I practiced small talk on the way to the restaurant and repeated information about foreign places I had heard from customers booking flights. I was taking a huge chance by going out with Jessica. She was tantamount to the town crier and anything embarrassing that happened tonight would be broadcast through Forks.

When I walked in she grabbed my arm and looked me up and down. "I just can't get over how great you look. Did you have lap band surgery?"

"No," I said softly to give her a clue to lower her voice. "I exercise a lot now."

"Did you have to have tons of skin cut off?"

"No," I said and lowered my head. "I lost it slowly so my body adjusted."

"Well, you must be like, the biggest change in all of Forks high. I'm putting our pictures on Facebook, nobody will believe me."

We were taken to a table and I prayed the conversation would change. I glanced around the room and saw several men staring at me. My hands began to shake and I tried to remember my reflection from the mirror. I looked at my arms to see if they were bulging from my slumped back. I only saw the definition of my bicep and relaxed.

"So who are you seeing?" Jessica asked me.

"I'm in a pretty new relationship. It's nothing serious," I said and wondered if Joyce shared information with her staff.

"Remember Mike Newton?" she asked.

"Yeah," I answered. I remembered him very well. I remembered when he called me a teletubbie over the loudspeaker and when he handed me a phone and told me Dr. Atkins wanted to speak to me. And I also remembered when he told everyone I used a garden hose to wipe my ass.

"I'm seeing him still, well; actually I just sleep with him once in awhile."

I felt a bit of bile rise in my throat and took a drink of my water to wash it back down. She watched me look at my menu and asked, "So do you travel a lot? It must be great working for National Airline."

"Oh yeah, it's great. The hot springs in Iceland are fantastic. And the Moai on Easter Island are a must see."

"Wow," she said with a sigh, "You must have a great life."

I chuckled at the thought of my pitiful existence. I almost never leave my apartment and my first love is a lying sex addict. Yeah, my life is great.

The waiter came over and asked if we were accepting drinks from admirers. I shook my head but Jessica quickly said yes. She ordered a Black Russian and I did the same since I had no idea what to order.

I searched the menu for something with low calories and settled on a grilled chicken breast with a side of rice.

I was relieved when our drinks arrived and took a large gulp. "So what is this club like?" I asked to get Jessica talking again.

"It is trendy, you're dressed perfectly," she added and I felt a bit of pride. I had never been called trendy before. "The music is alternative but they have karaoke hour which is a lot of fun. Of course, we'll have to drink enough to lose all common sense," she laughed.

I smiled and nodded like I agreed.

"Tell me about your new guy, what does he do for a living?"

Her eyes looked at me with excitement as if she really wanted to know all about Edward. I decided to share the one true thing I knew about him.

"His father is Carlisle Cullen, from channel six."

"No shit!" she exclaimed. "So did he tell you who the killer is?"

"What killer?" I asked with a furrowed brow.

"The one Carlisle claims to be in contact with, the hired gun to take out congressmen."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," I said honestly.

"Don't you ever watch the news?" she said with disgust. "Or have pillow talk with his son?"

"Edward has never mentioned anything and neither has Alice, his daughter," I added to appear like I was in with the family.

"Okay, so Carlisle gets this call at the station from a hit man claiming to be hired to kill congressmen, but he doesn't want to do it. He wants Carlisle to find him a way out of the contract, so rumor has it Carlisle hired a hit man to take out the person who hired the first hit man. He won't confirm or deny anything and people are speculating the government is behind the whole thing."

"It all sounds made up to me," I said skeptically.

"Yeah me too, until about six months ago when the governors body guard is suddenly killed, I think it was a warning to the governor or maybe they were aiming for him and hit the bodyguard instead."

"He was shot in the open?" I asked and wondered why I hadn't heard anything about this, most likely I was weighing my food or crying on the elliptical.

"No, he was found murdered in his bed, naked, still wearing a condom."

"Jessica, how could they miss the governor and hit the body guard, unless he was the one under the body guard in the bed," I said and Jessica laughed loudly.

"Well, we're all screwed by the government, it's about time the government screws itself."

"It could be a coincidence," I pointed out and she nodded in agreement.

"So, speaking of screwing… how's his son?" She wiggled her eyebrows and I looked away so she couldn't see the truth in my eyes.

"I told you it's new. We've messed around, but that's it."

"Who did you lose your virginity to," she asked and laughed when I gasped loudly.

"Are you asking me if the rumors about Eric are true?" I said hatefully and wanted to go home.

"No, everyone knows Ben doesn't have a thousand dollars," she said as she rolled her eyes.

"So it is only the amount that made the story ludicrous?"

"Come on, Bella. It was high school, everyone says mean things. I don't think you fucked Eric, okay?"

"Name one mean thing anyone said to you in school?" I challenged her.

"Remember when I got bangs? Lauren said I looked like a chipmunk."

"No, name something mean, something that humiliated you and made you cry," I explained and found my hands pulled into tight fists.

"I did, chipmunks are fat and I…oh, sorry," she said and stopped talking.

"I wore a black and white shirt one day and some boys called the local radio station and told them an Orca had beached at Forks high. They took a picture of me and posted it on the stations webpage. So I really don't give a damn if your bangs made your face look round, or who you do or don't think I fucked."

"Bella, come on, I'm sorry. We've all grown up since then, let it go."

I wanted to throw my drink in her face and walk away, but I needed to give the whole friend thing a shot. I knew she would not be sitting here with me if I looked like I did in school. She knew it, too. I took another big gulp from my drink and tried to calm down.

Our food came and I immediately divided it into three sections. I ate one, played with the other, and asked for a box for the third. Jessica never noticed a thing. It was close to ten when we headed to the club. I followed behind Jessica so I could leave if she hooked up with someone, using Edward as an excuse to stay away from men tonight.

The place was loud and dark. It was early and the club was already packed. Jessica ordered a fruity drink and I ordered a light beer. "Let's get a buzz and then dance," she said and I nodded but inside I was screaming.

I didn't know if I would have the nerve to stand in front of everyone and move my body to the music. I had no idea how to dance. I had done aerobics at fat camp but that was my only experience with my body and music.

I watched the dance floor with intense interest, seeing if I could do what the others were doing. They seemed to be standing in groups with one hand in the air the other holding a drink and bouncing back and forth. It looked…easy.

Jessica handed me another beer and I checked it to see if it was light before drinking it down. I was beginning to feel, what did Jess call it, buzzed. I followed her to the dance floor and tried to mimic her moves the best I could.

It was fun and I found myself smiling at the various people around me. I liked how nobody was expected to be dancing as couples. People would pair up for a moment or two and then move on. I finished my beer and someone took it from my hand and handed me a cold one. I didn't check the label and turned to smile at the cute man next to me.

"Hello, darlin," he said with a Texan accent.

"Hi," I answered. "Thank you for the beer."

"My pleasure," he said and let his hand rest on my hip.

We soon began to move in unison and his hand moved to by ass and pulled my body closer to his. He stared into my eyes as he took a drink from his bottle. His eyes were sky blue and when his long blond curls fell into his eyes I reached up to pushed them away.

I was past buzzed, and every movement, every sound; every look was setting my body on fire. I felt bold, and sexy, and ran my hands up his chest. He ran both of his hands to the back of my neck and held my hair up for some needed air. I moaned and let my head fall back, pressing into him.

He moved one hand to the small of my back as the other held my hair and leaned over to kiss my neck softly. I started to object but he moved to speak into my ear, "It's okay darlin, I'm just appreciating your perfume. You smell…delicious."

"I don't wear it often," I said stupidly, unable to control my mouth when he was holding me the way he was. I could feel his body reacting as he ran his tongue from my ear to my collar bone.

He gave me a gentle bite and said, "Well, you should."

"You're very sweet," I said and he chuckled.

"No, mam, not sweet; I am very, not sweet."

"I shouldn't be dancing with you then," I said with my eyes closed.

"Right, we should be doing something else," he said into my ear and then kissed it before taking my hand and leading me toward the door.

"Where are we going?" I asked telling myself I was getting in way over my head.

"Just to get a little fresh air, nothing to worry about darlin."

I quickly finished the beer he had given me and set it on a table as we passed. We walked into the cool night air and I shivered from the cold since I didn't have any natural body insulation. We walked around the corner of the club and he pulled me into his arms and leaned against the building.

"I'll warm you up, little girl," he said and lowered his mouth to mine.

His mouth was warm and he didn't add pressure into meshing movements like Edward. He gave short kisses sucking my lips with his as he let go and repeated the action. It was driving me crazy, making me chase after his mouth each time he pulled away.

I grabbed the material of his shirt and held it tightly in my fists. He moved from my mouth down my throat and I let my head fall back as I took gulps of air. I wanted him, my body knew what euphoria orgasms brought and it craved it now.

I could picture myself in his bed as we joined together moving as one. I would scream out his name as he brought my body what it needed. I had a clear thought amidst the passion and the alcohol and asked, "What's your name?"

He moved his mouth to my ear and his hand to my breast as he spoke. "My name is Jasper, you can call me Jaz."

11

I pulled away from Jasper and stared at his face. He looked at me hesitantly as if afraid I was going to make some kind of connection. I mumbled something about Jessica needing me and I ran. I passed the club door and went right to my car.

I was in no condition to drive five minutes ago, but I felt totally sober now. I went home, wanting desperately the safety of my apartment and felt sick when I found Edward waiting by my door. My makeup was smeared and my hair was a mess. I looked like I climbed out of a bed after an orgy. It was my turn to avoid his eyes and he stood silently with his hands in his pocket, leaning against the wall.

"Did you have fun?" he asked.

"Yeah, oh, um, my chicken," I said looking back at my car. "I left my chicken in my car."

"Did you eat?"

"Yes, and obviously drank too much," I said to explain my appearance.

"Anything you want to tell me?" he asked and I finally looked right at him.

"Anything you want to tell me?" I responded.

He shrugged and continued to stare.

"My mother wants you to come to Sunday brunch, I would like for you to come, too."

"Sure," I said and crossed my arms.

He stepped closer to me and placed one arm around me before leaning in to kiss my cheek. "You reek of Burberry cologne," he said and walked away.

"Where are you going?" I asked with a panicked voice.

"To work," he said as he continued walking.

I went into my apartment and looked in the mirror. I felt cheap and couldn't stand to look at myself, and not because of my weight. I had just made out with what could or could not be my boyfriend's best friend. It was so much worse than talking on the phone and looking at pictures.

I showered and dressed in my flannel nightgown in an attempt to look innocent again. I dried my hair and pulled it into a lose braid and climbed in bed. I heard Edward come home, not even attempting to be quiet.

I heard him take a really long shower and climb into bed. His sniffing was back and my heart was breaking for him. I listened in the darkness to his pain and finally heard a soft voice all for me.

"Bella, are you awake?"

"Yes."

"Can I come over there, I need you to hold me," he said with the young voice I only heard a few times.

"Yes, come over," I said and went to open the door.

He walked in wearing boxers and a tee and looked down and my flannel gown. His red puffy eyes looked into mine and he touched my cheek with his hand. "You look so beautiful," he whispered.

I took his hand and led him to my bed. He scooted down and put his head on my chest as I wrapped my arms around him. He sighed loudly and I kissed his head.

"When I was younger I loved the Count Chocula cereal, so my brother Emmett would wake up early and eat the entire box."

"Did you kick his ass?" I asked.

He laughed, "You haven't met Emmett."

I continued to hold him as he sunk deeper into his past for any relief that would wipe away his actions and give him peace. "Do you remember the brief moment when you would wake up on Saturday and realize there is no school? I loved that moment," he said wistfully.

"Or the moment right before you fall asleep on Christmas Eve," I added. "It is so filled with possibilities."

"Exactly," he said and I could feel him smile.

"What brings all this up?" I asked and remembered when he needed to talk about cartoons.

"Sometimes I hate being a man. I want to know I used to be happy."

"Edward, why aren't you happy?"

"It is hard to climb out of the muck sometimes. I used to love poetry, but now it doesn't seem beautiful, it seems desperate. You make me happy, Bella. I should tell you more often."

"Let's go away, I can get some tickets and we can go anywhere, just you and me. Spend a week out of the muck and be happy; learn to love poetry again."

I couldn't believe what I suggested. I had never been on a plane and I was talking like I often took off for a week. I hoped he would suggest a place, but first he would have to agree to go. He raised his head and looked at me. His eyes were watery and the dark circles underneath had me really worried.

"You're going to save me," he said and I could hear the mixture of hope and pain.

"I'm going to try," I said and smiled at him before pulling him back to my chest. He slept soundly in my arms throughout the night.

I woke up too late to run and had to rush out the door to my therapy appointment. I stopped long enough to put a key in an envelope and taped it to my door with Edward's name written on it. I knew I wouldn't be able to do it after the session.

I showed up looking all disheveled, but I was still in better shape than Jessica. She sat behind her desk with dark glasses on and moaned every time the phone rang. I walked into Joyce's office full of determination to defend Edward at all cost.

"How are you doing?" she asked.

"Good, I've been eating a lot better and I went out to a club with Jessica," I said and tried not to let her see my shame.

"Yes, I saw Jessica's condition and expected yours," she said with a smile. "She said you left with a man."

"Jessica has always been a big gossip," I said angrily. "I didn't leave with a man. We stepped outside for some air and then I went home."

"So let's talk about the time between the fresh air and the leaving."

I shrugged, trying to appear unconcerned. "He's from Texas, likes to dance, he was sweet but didn't like me pointing it out."

She stared at me and I simply stared back. "Okay," she finally said, "How is Edward doing?"

"Great, he took down all the pictures. He got a new job. He's great."

She sat back and put her fingers over her lips as she thought things over for a moment. I sat nervously waiting for her wisdom or her reprove. She finally sat forward and asked, "That simple?"

"Huh?"

"He took down the pictures and quit his job, just like that?"

"Does it make him a pretty great guy or still scum?" I asked as I crossed my arms in anger.

"It makes him a liar, and you know it," she pointed out and I began to cry. I did know it. I knew he lied and I knew he was still talking erotically to anonymous women. But I also knew he needed me to save him and I wasn't giving up.

"I'm going to take a trip," I said. "I'm going to go somewhere far away and it scares me to death."

"Going far away or going at all?"

"Losing control of my surroundings. What if I turn to food or refuse to eat at all?"

"I can give you some anxiety medication, it should help. It is normal for people to eat larger amounts of food on vacation. It is a way to experience your surroundings, partake with gusto what life has to offer."

"I've experienced the gusto; it is the kindness I'm looking for."

I wanted to experience love, and romance, and bonding with my man. I wanted to forget about my weight and his job and the fact I had no idea who he was.

When I got home he was gone. The envelope was gone, too. I saw a note on my computer and picked it up.

_Bella,_

_Thank you, for letting me come to your bed. I like the vacation idea. We can go to Brazil; my father owns a timeshare on an island off the coast. Get a passport and let's pick a time. I'll see you Sunday at ten. _

_Edward._

_P.S. You gave me a key, God, you amaze me._

I stared at the note and wondered what he was really trying to say. He made it sound like I wouldn't see him until Sunday. I had a passport, I got it when I turned eighteen and there was no way in hell I would let him see it. I sat down at my computer and looked up flight information for Brazil. I applied for two complimentary tickets, the first time ever since I worked for the airlines.

I heard Edward's phone ring at three and he answered, "Hi, Jaz."

I froze and when my headset rang I reached over and turned it off.

"Yeah, sure, what time?"

I moved closer to the wall. "Okay, is it good news or bad news?"

"Oh no," I sighed. I tried to think of the best way to explain what happened with Jasper. I was angry at Edward for lying, I was drinking too much, my body wanted what he had taught it to want, nothing sounded like anything that could excuse my behavior.

He left and I never heard him return all night. I woke up Saturday morning feeling like I was slowly losing everything I truly wanted. I was planning a trip with Edward, but I was too afraid to knock on his door or ask him questions about where he goes and what he does. I was grateful he didn't push me, but it wasn't normal. Our relationship seemed off somehow, not that I understood relationships at all.

I heard his door open after noon and listened to him slam things around in anger. He knew, Jasper must have figured out who I was and told him. I went into my room and sat in the dark as I heard his cussing and rummaging through drawers.

He began talking, obviously on the phone. "I can't find it; it has to be over there."

"I'm not going through this hell just to have you quit on me. Do what it takes Jaz or stay the fuck out of my life."

He had to know I was listening, but everything about him confused me. I began thinking about what Jessica told me about Carlisle and I went to my computer and looked up information on the Cullens. Jessica didn't have everything correct.

Carlisle got a call from an informant telling him who the hit man was. He was protecting his informant not the hit man. The name he received was thought to be on the governor's payroll, and the entire story had me so confused. A loud knock made me jump and I heard a key begin opening my door.

I shut off the computer and turned around just as Edward walked in. "Good, you're here," he said harshly and I waited for his words of hate and insults to begin. He took a deep breath and said, "Come somewhere with me, I really need to be with you right now."

I nodded and took his hand he was offering. We drove in silence, Edward gripping the wheel tightly, to an obscure mountain road. He pulled off to park and got out of the car. I got out and watched as he opened the trunk and pulled a blanket out. "Come on," he said and walked in front of me without speaking. I followed blindly and never asked a question.

We stepped into a beautiful meadow and he laid the blanket on the ground before acknowledging me in any way. He looked up and I gasped when I saw tears in his eyes. He stepped toward me and ran his fingers through his hair. "Bella, you have to promise me you won't leave me."

"What?" I said softly.

"I know I'm…nothing, but you have to give me a chance. I'm…more, I promise."

I felt like he was trying to tell me something without coming right out and saying it. He sounded worried about Jasper and wanted me to see he was something more than what I thought he was.

"Edward, I love you," I said in an attempt to soothe him.

"What if his name had been different, would you still be here?"

"Whose name?" I asked with a dry throat.

He looked into the dark forest and shook his head. I walked up to put my arms around his waist and he pulled me tightly to him, burying his face in my neck and kissing me with a vengeance. We moved to the blanket and he was kissing me frantically, as if I was going to be pulled from his arms at any moment.

"Edward," I said and pushed him back. "What's going on?"

He rolled onto his back and I sat up to look down at him. His eyes were closed and he looked so upset. I was ready to start getting some answers, I had the first question already formed when he said, "Bella, I love how you never grill me. You want me and nothing else. I can't tell you how much it means to me."

I smiled down at him, becoming quite the actor myself, and he seemed to relax. He reached over and pulled on the waist of my pants. "What are you wearing?" he asked and pulled the pants down an inch or two.

"I have on running pants," I said and pushed his hand away.

"Two pairs?"

I refused to answer and wanted to ask him to stop grilling me. He sighed and rubbed his fists into his eyes. I sensed he needed to know I was getting better for his own peace of mind. His life was twisted and messy and he needed something that was perfect.

"I've gained weight," I lied, "I'm doing really well."

He pulled me onto him and said with pained eyes, "Some man is going to steal you away from me."

He was wrong; I would remain his because we were both too messed up to belong to anyone else. I kissed him to show him nobody would take me away from him. We were alone in the middle of the forest and he never tried to have me. He began talking about the cartoon Johnny Quest and I listened with tears in my eyes.

"Do you have to work tonight?" I asked.

"Yeah, we should head back soon," he answered and I closed my eyes.

He would spend the night bringing several women pleasure, but never felt the need to include me into the equation. I was his reprieve, the one fat woman who didn't need anything from him. I should have felt grateful he wanted me at all, but I was in love with a ghost and it was beginning to feel creepy.

12

I dressed in a sundress and put on two pair of shorts underneath to make my hips appear larger. The thought of trying to look bigger boggled my mind. As soon as I looked away from the mirror I felt huge. I curled and teased my hair, making it huge, I wanted to look totally different from the woman Jaz met and hoped he wouldn't recognize me.

Edward was dressed in expensive clothes. I didn't recognize the clean shaven dapper man in front of me. I wasn't quite sure who he was dressing for. He never dressed that way for me so I assumed it was for his parents.

"Who all is going to be there?" I asked as we drove toward the house.

"My parents, my brother and his wife, Alice and Jaz," he looked at me for a reaction but I remained unfazed. "And us, of course."

I nodded and wondered if Jaz would say anything in front of Alice. I was shaking as we walked hand in hand into the house. Esme walked from the kitchen to see us first. She smiled, but I saw something cross her face first. She looked a bit shaken or rattled. I had a feeling it was not his mother who really wanted me at the brunch.

Edward gave her a kiss but they didn't speak a word to each other. He led me to the family room where everyone was gathered. Alice jumped up to greet me and complimented my dress. Emmett extended his hand and the sheer size of the man terrified me. Rosalie said a polite hello and it was finally time to acknowledge Jasper.

I let my eyes turn to where he stood and he was staring at me with an unreadable expression. "Bella, this is my friend Jaz, my best friend, my best friend in the whole world," Edward said to make everyone extremely uncomfortable.

"Hello darlin," he said and winked at me.

My arms clamped onto Edward tightly as I offered a soft, "Hi," and looked away.

"You look very pretty," Jasper said and I glared in his direction. I couldn't understand why he wouldn't shut up and pretend he just met me. "Can I get you a mimosa or are you holding out for a cold beer?" Jasper pushed.

"No, thank you," I said quickly.

"I think I'll have one," Edward said and walked from my arms to the other side of the room where a pitcher and glasses waited. "You need to go easy on the cologne, Jaz."

"Shut up, Edward," Alice said, "I love the smell of Burberry."

Edward poured a drink and turned to look at me as he took a sip. I didn't know what he was trying to do. He was being mean and I felt something bigger was coming. My senses had been honed over the years to react when I was being set up for something. I wasn't going to wait for the laughter and turned and walked away.

Someone followed and I was sure it was Edward, but turned to find Jasper behind me. "I'm leaving, he'll calm down," he said and I only nodded and worried about being alone in the hallway with Jasper. I heard Esme in the kitchen and went to offer some help.

I watched in amazement as she tossed a big butcher knife into the air making it spin several times and caught it by the handled, dropping it into its holder before picking up another one, spinning it effortlessly and bringing it onto the butcher block to cut the fruit.

"Wow," I said with a laugh and she looked up at me.

"I used to be a chef, I miss it," she said with a smile. "There is something so nurturing about cooking for people, with the kids gone I rarely get to do it anymore."

I watched her work and realized I didn't make myself fat as a small child, my mother made food for me and maybe it was her need to nurture that stuffed me. I wondered if her need to fix me was more about her guilt than my weight.

"You okay?" she asked as she watched me intently.

"Yeah, I was having an epiphany," I said with a smile. "I think I'll go share it with Edward."

I went back to the family room and found Alice looking at fashion magazines. "Where's Edward?" I asked.

"I think he went downstairs, the doors at the end of the hallway," she said and pointed in the right direction.

I walked into the dark basement that was filled with a pool table, arcade games, and a card table. I opened a door and found a bathroom. The next door was a beautifully decorated guest room, and the final door was an office. My heart skipped a beat as I saw the photos Edward had tossed into the trash hanging on the wall. I walked into the room slowly and noticed a blanket on the black leather sofa and a stack of towels next to it. On the small side table there was a collection of odd sex toys, some still in their packages. I looked at the desk and found a stack of business cards, with several different names.

I picked up a card with the name Norman and stuck it in my pocket. I looked at the wall again and noticed pictures of men in the mix this time. I pulled open the top drawer and found a stack of passports, all with Edward's picture but different names. I felt sick and shut off the light as I shut the door and climbed slowly up the stairs. I looked through the rooms for Edward and finally found him on the back deck.

"Can you take me home?" I asked with no emotion in my voice.

"Why?" he asked quickly.

"I'm not feeling well, I need to go home," I said as I tried not to cry.

"You can lie down, my mother won't mind," he said and held out his hand for mine but I didn't take it.

"I want to go home," I said loudly and he looked at me in shock.

"What's going on, Bella?"

I closed my eyes so I wouldn't have to look at him and stomped my foot in frustration. "I want you to take me home, right now, please Edward," I begged.

"Yeah, sure," he said and I turned to walk to the car.

I stood at the locked door and saw him text someone before unlocking it. I didn't bother asking who, I knew he would only lie to me anyway. I had no idea who he was or why he would move his perverted life into his parents home.

We pulled up in front of the apartment complex and I told him I was going right to bed. I got out of the car and when he rolled down his window I stopped and looked at him. "Don't come over tonight, I'm going to take some medicine and sleep."

"Can we talk tomorrow?" he asked.

I chuckled and looked at him in disgust, "Yeah, I'll call you."

I heard him screech off when I walked away and knew it was over. I walked into my apartment and broke into tears. I took off the stupid dress I wore to look nice for him and went into my room for a sweatshirt. I froze when I saw my dresser drawers all open about an inch or two.

I looked around my room for anything else out of place. I walked into the front room and looked at my desk. I set my hand on my computer and gasped when I felt it was warm. Someone had been in my apartment. I pulled open my desk drawer and found my passport lying on the top of my tax information and pay stubs.

This wasn't a robbery; this was someone looking for information. I growled loudly in frustration when I remembered Jasper leaving and Edward texting someone. I threw on the shirt and ran to my car. The closer I got to the Cullen's house the angrier I became. I was being used by a mean vicious man.

I didn't bother knocking; I stormed right in and saw Jasper and Edward standing on the deck. They both looked shocked when I walk out the door and onto the deck.

"Bella, you came back," Edward said and tried to smile.

"Did you get it all, Jaz, or did I ruin the search?"

Both men looked at each other and it angered me all over again. "I have food journals under my mattress, you missed those. I have a pair of diamond earrings from my grandmother in a small case in my makeup bag."

"I wasn't robbing you," Jaz said.

I shook my head and felt my tears begin to fall. "Yes, you were. You took my confidence, my trust, and my boyfriend. I have nothing else to lose."

"Bella, I can explain for Jaz," Edward said and I held up my hand to stop him from talking.

"You are a liar Edward Cullen, so you have nothing to say I want to hear."

"Don't do this Bella, I need you," he said with terrified eyes.

"Really, do you need me to talk to you about cartoons and cereal, so the fact you fuck men and women all night doesn't matter? Do you need me there to hear you cry because you know there isn't anyone I can possibly tell about it?"

"Stop it," he said with a shaking chin and wanted him to profess his love for me and beg me to stay with him.

"I saw the basement, Edward. Why?"

Jasper walked to the other side of the deck to give us some privacy but he didn't leave entirely and I wondered if he was making sure Edward didn't say anything.

"I'm doing my job, Bella. I asked you to give me time to show you I'm more than I appear to be."

"Why do you ask them for pictures?"

He ran his hand through his hair with frustration and turned to look at the water. "Edward," I said softly but he didn't turn to look at me. "I'm not strong enough for this."

He let his head drop and nodded a couple of times. "You're beautiful, Bella, on the inside and the outside. I'll always love you."

"But only through the walls," I whispered and he turned to look at me.

"What?" he asked.

I shook my head and turned to leave.

"I'm sorry, darlin," Jaz said.

"Fuck you," I said without looking at him and ran though the house to the sound of his chuckling.

I was opening the front door when Alice walked into the entry way. "Are you leaving?" she asked.

I looked at her and said, "I'm really sorry, Alice, I didn't know who he was, but I think you should know I met Jaz at a club and made out with him."

Her eyes showed her pain and she turned her head to look toward the deck. I took advantage of her distraction and quickly left.

I went home and returned to my life before Edward Cullen came into it. I ran every morning, I worked all day, and I watched romantic movies as I walked on the treadmill before crying myself to sleep. It wasn't living and the ache hurt more than I could admit.

I missed Edward. He never worked out of his apartment anymore and usually left as soon as he woke up. I looked at the card I took from his office and wondered what a call to him would be like. I bought a cell phone at Walmart with a calling card and waited until after midnight to call.

I was terrified he would recognize my voice, and practiced the English accent I had used for the play Pygmalion at fat camp. I dialed the phone and when he answered I realized his phone had some device to distort his voice. It sounded very low and much older than his real voice.

"Norman?" I asked.

"Hi babe, I'm so glad you called," he said and I froze, thinking he knew it was me. "Tell me what you need, and I'll give it to you until you scream for me."

My heart tore.

"I'm not sure about this, I had a boyfriend and…"

"Not a problem, just pretend I'm him."

I closed my eyes as the tears fell.

"Um…he has a boyfriend," I said and then punched my fist against my leg. I meant to say best friend, but boyfriend came out and it didn't bother him at all.

"So do I, sweetheart, I can show you how to work it out and I promise you come out the winner, doll."

_Jasper_, I thought. That was what he was trying to tell me at his house. They were involved and were wanting to bring me into the mix.

"I don't know," I said softly forgetting about the accent.

"I can meet with you if it would help," he offered and my eyes bugged out. "I don't usually do something like that, but you sound special."

"Special," I repeated sadly, "No, I'm fat."

"So is my girlfriend, it doesn't matter to me."

My entire body went numb and the room became distorted. I couldn't breathe and I hung up the phone and fell onto the floor. He lied and I knew it all along. I crawled over to the mirror and saw the swollen grotesque face I knew was there. I flipped onto my back and began doing sit ups as I cried out the numbers loudly into the air.

I finally got off the floor and let my humiliation turn into revenge, if Edward didn't want me for sex at least Jasper did. I dressed as provocatively as I could, put on tons of makeup, and headed out to the club.

I didn't feel what I expected. I thought I would be acting out of anger and then fear would take over, but I was determined. I was worth the attention of a man who found me desirable and not someone who needed me to make him feel like a child again.

I finished two drinks before walking around the club and looking for my intended target. I found him on the dance floor holding a pretty blonde in his arms. I moved to where he could see me and simply stared at him. He was flirting and running his hand through her hair and finally caught my eye.

I smiled and he looked around as if checking for Edward. He finally said something in the girl's ear and began walking toward me. He handed me his beer and I took a long drink as I maintained eye contact.

"You caused me a lot of problems," he said with a smile.

I shrugged, "I'm sure you lied you way out of it, you seem resourceful."

"Where's Edward?" he asked and watched my response carefully.

"He's teaching a fat girl how to handle two men," I said with disgust.

"What are you doing here, darlin?" he said and moved closer to me.

"I was looking for you," I said and handed him the bottle back.

He acted a bit nervous, like the fact I came there for him meant something. I was sure Alice dumped him after finding out what he was up to behind her back. Surely he was here as a single man. He finally recovered and took hold of my hand to pull me into my arms.

"Well, you found me," he said with his slow drawl.

"Do you live alone?" I asked and his eyes widened.

"Are you asking to sleep over?"

I bit my lip for a second and said, "I'm really not sleepy."

He laughed and took my arm to pull me behind him and out of the club. I didn't try to make any small talk and walked with a purpose to my car to follow him to his home.


	5. Chapter 13 thru 15

13

I wasn't second guessing myself, I wasn't thinking Jasper would be my boyfriend, I was doing what Joyce told me to do, forget about Edward and learn from girlfriends. Jessica used Mike for sex and then lived her own life. Jasper could be my sex buddy.

When I walked into his house he took my purse and put it in a closet. "Let me take your jacket," he said and I let it drop from my arms onto the ground. He laughed and picked it up. I thought I saw him patting it as if looking for something and then hung it on a hook in the closet.

"Are you going to put away all my things?" I asked him.

"It depends; do you have anything hidden in your dress?"

I walked over to his couch and sat down. He came over and got onto his knees and removed my shoes, tossing them far from the couch and sat next to me.

I pulled him by the shirt to my mouth and he let his hand run from my hair down the side of my entire body. I finally pushed him back and asked, "Are you looking for something?"

"No, darlin, I know where everything is," he said and moved to my neck.

Our kissing got pretty loud as we moaned and panted while removing clothing. He pushed his hand down the back of the couch and felt around as if searching for a condom. I began to wonder if I should tell him I was still a virgin, maybe he would want to move off his expensive couch and into his bed.

He didn't make me have to say it, He pulled me onto his lap and stood with my legs wrapped around him and headed to his room. My dress was around my waist, literally. It was pushed off my shoulders and arm and pulled up to my waist.

As soon as he sat on his bed I pushed him back and began removing his belt. He seemed suddenly hesitant and his movements slowed. "What's wrong?" I asked him.

"Tell me," he whispered, "You have the upper hand, tell me why you did it."

"He doesn't want me like this," I said and tried to forget about Edward.

"It wasn't only a lovers spat, come on Bella, it was too professional."

"What?" I thought we were talking about why I came to him and left Edward, but he wasn't making any sense.

"No fingerprints, no witnesses, it wasn't your first, was it?"

I pulled away from him and leaned against the headboard as I tried to understand what he was talking about. I pulled the pillow out from under me and saw a large knife lying on the bed. Jasper lunged at me, knocking me to the side as he grabbed the knife.

My eyes grew large and I held up my hands, "Don't hurt me."

"Who are you, really?" he asked and I stared at him like he was insane.

A loud knock came on the door and Jasper yelled, "Open."

I tried to pull my dress up to cover my breasts and gasped when Edward walked into the room. I couldn't look at him and we all remained completely silent. "I think I made a mistake," Jaz said softly.

I closed my eyes as the tears fell and I leaned over to hide my exposed body.

"A mistake?" Edward said with voice full of rage.

"I thought you were wrong," Jaz said and I remained totally confused and thought it might be the alcohol playing with my mind.

"I've never doubted you, Jasper, never."

"She came looking for me," he said to defend himself to his best friend.

I looked up at Edward and his eyes turned to me and filled with tears. I pulled the pillow over my chest and sat up. "I called you tonight," I admitted.

"I was working," he said with a tight jaw.

"I know, Norman, I called you at work."

He closed his eyes and his shoulders slumped when he realized our conversation. I brushed away my tears and let the pillow fall. "I didn't want to be your fat girlfriend; I wanted you to love me."

"Bella, it's just an act," he said and shook his head knowing I wouldn't listen to his lies.

"I wanted to have sex with Jasper," I said admitting the truth. "I'm almost twenty-six and you taught me about my body and then only wanted me for cartoon talk."

"I wanted intimacy, not sex with you, because I loved you."

I let a sob escape and looked at him with overwhelming pain, "But you have sex with other women, and men, it isn't how you show love to someone."

"No, I only use lines like in a play. It isn't real and it almost kills me to do it."

At that moment, as if proving my point for me, his phone rang. He looked at his cell and I knew his calls were being forwarded. He looked at Jasper with wide eyes and held up the phone. "I think this is it, come to my car."

I could hear him put the phone on speaker and he answered, "God, I've missed you hot stuff."

I sat there alone in Jasper's bed, half undressed and two men simply walked away. I threw myself at Jasper and professed my love to Edward, but neither one gave me a second thought. I put my dress back on and found my shoes. I got my purse and walked numbly to my car.

I couldn't find it in me to cry. I turned to the only place I knew to find love, the only place where I would feel happiness and acceptance. I drove through McDonalds and bought a supersized meal. I wouldn't look at the young man filling the order. I didn't want him to see my desperation. I pulled into the parking lot which was totally empty at this hour and accepted the only love I had ever known.

The next day I packed a bag and my computer and headed to Forks. I didn't need to be thin and happy to go home; my parents already knew what I was. Showing up as a failure in love wouldn't surprise them in the least. I was sure Jessica had told the whole town about my attempt to pick up men at bars.

I arrived before noon and was relieved to see my father's truck wasn't home. I stood at the door and wasn't sure if I should knock or just walk inside. My mother came around the side of the house and said, "May I help you?"

I looked at her in shock, "Mom, it's me."

She stared for a moment and then covered her mouth with her hand and shook her head. I stepped off the stairs and walked toward her. She reached for me and pulled me into her arms and sobbed loudly. "Are you sick?" she asked in my ear and I wasn't sure if I was or not.

My heart was sick, my brain was sick, my body was sick, but it all had to do with Edward. "I just really wanted to come home for a week or two," I told her.

She led me into the house and sat me at the table. "Let me make you some lunch," she said and I began to cry. I didn't want her trying to fatten me up and then drag me around the state for a doctor to slim me down.

I put my head down on the table and she came over to run her fingers through my hair. "Honey, it is almost lunchtime, I wasn't being critical of you."

I nodded and she walked over and began taking various fruits from the fridge and pulled some protein powder from the shelf to make a shake. She handed me a cup with a straw and I looked at the concoction that looked an awful lot like ice-cream.

"Try it," she said and I took a small sip. It was good and I smiled at her.

"It is loaded with vitamins and antioxidants. It will give you energy and it is really healthy."

I wondered if she meant to say, "Really low calorie."

We sat at the table and talked about everything except Edward. I told her about going out with Jessica and she seemed happy to see I was finally making friends. We were still sitting when my father walked in from work. He was tall and thin, never having to worry about his weight.

He gave me a quick nod and then headed to the other room when he suddenly stopped and turned back to look at me again. "Hi, daddy," I said and watched his eyes widen.

"What happened?" he asked.

"Nothing, I'm just visiting," I said and tried to blink my tears back. He didn't seem happy to see me and wondered if I was coming home for help. If I needed help home was the last place I would come.

He held out his hand and when I reached up to take it he pulled me from my seat and into his big bear hug. The feeling was indescribable and I sunk into my father's chest and let him hold me as a little girl once again. He kissed my head and rocked us back and forth. I understood for one brief moment why Edward longed to be a child again, it was nice to let someone carry all your burdens.

"Are you okay?" he asked and I noticed how he looked at my body and not my face.

"I'm fine, you just aren't used to seeing me like this," I told him and felt a bit a happiness that they noticed I had lost some weight.

He gave my mother a glance and they both looked back at me again. "Is this why you stayed away so long?" he asked.

"What do you mean?" I asked him.

My mother stepped forward and interrupted our conversation. "Get changed Charlie and well grill some fish tonight."

I made some vegetable kabobs and we all took a long walk after dinner. It wasn't far and we walked at a leisurely pace and talked about family vacations and holidays from the past. My little sabbatical stretched into a six weeks stay.

I woke up and ran with my mother, then worked until evening where we would eat as a family and take our walks. Mom was really into health foods and would mention the benefits of different foods or supplements but never mentioned the word diet or weight. I was feeling great, full of energy, and wearing only one layer of clothing when a knock at the door changed my life.

I was on the phone and had to wait until I finished with the customer before opening the door and finding Esme standing on my front porch. I gasped and quickly looked around to see if Edward, Jasper, or God forbid Alice, was with her.

"I'm alone," she said and I began to relax.

"Can we take a walk?" she asked. I was in the middle of a work day, but I walked over and shut off my phone. We walked down the street toward the empty tree lined road and she finally looked at me. "You looked great."

"Thanks," I mumbled and was growing more and more nervous.

"I guess you are wondering why I am here," she said with a smile and I nodded to her. "I put my son in a hotel in Port Angeles and I need you to go spend the weekend with him. I don't care what you do as long as he has his head back on straight by Monday. Then I need you to stay away from him."

At first I stared at her in shock, then I laughed as if it was a joke, finally I shook my head and got angry, "You're serious?"

"Absolutely, you see Edward can't concentrate right now and it is going to get him killed if he doesn't pull his head out."

"Well, maybe Jasper can help him," I said trying to sound cynical but it sounded whiny.

She put her arm into mine and walked for a few minutes before saying, "I read a book once about a pair of brothers. One was tough and macho, the other smooth and very convincing. The smooth man has a best friend, who becomes a partner with his brother."

"Partners, like lovers?"

She moved only her eyes to look at me and continued talking as if irritated by my interruption. "The partners work as cryptographers, meaning they are mathematicians working on codes and encryptions. Of course the macho brother wants something so much more exciting; he volunteers for a dangerous assignment and gets himself killed. The two best friends are determined to find the killer, because much more is at stake than losing a brother and a partner."

I was trying to follow her story and put it together with what I knew was going on with Carlisle. I assumed the bodyguard for the governor was Jasper's brother and Edward's partner, but what else could be going on. Why would they lie to the women the love and why was Carlisle refusing to divulge his informant, unless it was someone they loved, too.

I looked at Esme and shook my head, "You were never a chef, were you?"

She completely ignored my question and continued on. "My son is a mathematician for Elint, which means he gathers Electronic Intelligence and breaks the codes. He is not a field officer and is only going grey for this one assignment. His is not good at doing this, and this part you will find funny, dear, Jasper was convinced you were the confusion agent."

"What?" I asked feeling every bit confused.

"I'm watching my son fall apart at the seams and I need you to stitch him back up or he is going to get himself killed."

"I am so confused and I have no idea what you are telling me. I'm messed up myself, how am I supposed to help Edward," I said and bit my lip as tears began to fall.

"Honey, I'm not the person to hold your hand and tell you love heals all wounds. I'm the person who is going to tell you to get off your ass and grow up. If you think you're fat, lose weight, if you think you're too thin, gain some. I don't care if you run off to Switzerland and change into a man, just fix my son."

I couldn't help but smile, in all my years of working on my weight nobody ever spoke to me in this way. I knew I should have been offended and told her she had no idea what it felt like to have to weigh yourself in front of a camp of teenagers and have them cheer and scream because the scale dipped under three hundred pounds.

"Fix him and then leave him alone?" I pushed wanting her to qualify her statement.

"You're screwed up honey, he doesn't need a lifetime of worry," she said bluntly and I chuckled.

"And I thought you were the perfect PTA mother," I said and this time she laughed.

"If you mean Part Time Assassin, you're right," she said and my eyes almost fell from my head.

"You're the hit man?" I asked with a gasp.

She rolled her eyes at me and said forcefully, "Don't be so stupid, of course not."

"So, where is Edward?"

She reached into her pocket and handed me a hotel card and room number. We headed back to the house and I finally asked, "Is Alice okay?"

"Jasper can talk his way out of anything," she said and I wanted to add, or INTO anything, but I kept quiet.

I didn't continue working that afternoon, I packed up a bag, stopped by the store to buy something, headed to the hotel to save Edward, and prepared my heart to say goodbye to him forever.

14

I knocked after taking a deep breath and giving myself a much needed pep talk. The door opened and I saw Edward walking away, not waiting to see who was standing there. He flopped onto the bed and finally looked up when I stepped into the room.

He jumped up and I noticed a slight smile form on his face so I held up the box of Count Chocula cereal and the Disney DVD of Homeward Bound. "I thought you would need supplies," I said as I smiled at him.

He walked up to me and instead of taking the things in my hands he took hold of my wrists and pulled me against his body. "What are you doing here?" he asked.

I could smell his gum and his soap and I had to inhale deeply as I enjoyed the smell of him I remembered so well.

"I'm here for the weekend," I said without further explanation.

He smiled and I could tell it wasn't a complete smile; he was still too burdened with the mess his life was in to think a weekend with me would work. "Is it selfish of me not to want to talk about anything?" he asked and his eyes looked at me with pain.

"Not at all, I'm not here for any relationship defining heart to hearts; I'm only here because I love you," I told him and kissed his cheek.

His arms tightened around me and he buried his face in my neck and inhaled as if making sure I was real. I let him hold me for as long as he needed before going out to my car to get my bag. When I got back he was sitting on the bed, against the headboard, eating the cereal dry.

"I love this shit," he said with a big smile.

I laughed at his youthful exuberance and the way he was able to let the worry go. I didn't want to remind him of anything painful, I wanted him to remember a happy time in his life and remain there all weekend.

I climbed up on the bed next to him and he reached over and pulled up my shirt, "No layers," he asked.

"No," I said and could feel my face blush.

"You look great, you look…"

"Healthy?" I asked him and he smiled wider.

"Yeah, healthy."

"It's a work in progress," I admitted to him and he nodded as if he understood.

"Why don't we watch the movie and just relax tonight?" I asked him and he nodded again. I put it in the player and he set the box of cereal next to the bed and moved into my arms to watch. I rubbed my fingers gently up and down his arm and kissed his head several times as I relished the feeling of him.

The movie was only half way through when he began to snore softly. The room grew dark and the movie ended as I continued to hold him to me. I didn't have any expectations of sex and knew this would most likely be the extent of our physical relationship, but for now it was perfect.

We woke up as the sun broke through the curtains still embracing each other. He smiled and kissed my heart. "It wasn't a dream," he said with an enthusiastic voice.

"No, it wasn't," I sighed and opened my eyes to see him looking down at me.

"There is a carnival in the park, want to check it out?" he asked and his eyes looked so much brighter than they were yesterday.

"A carnival, I've never been to a carnival," I said and got up to dress. I put on a pair of shorts, still a bit baggy but I didn't have to layer them, and a t-shirt.

Edward did the same and wore flip flops. His hair was long and messy and he hadn't shaved in awhile, but I still noticed women looking at him. We walked to the park, taking our time, and stopped for coffee and a bagel.

He pinched off a bit of his bread and leaned over to place it in my mouth. When my lips moved over his finger he quickly pulled away, not ready for any physical contact that could be considered sexual. We walked through the bazaar and looked at the various crafts. We both had caricatures drawn of ourselves and I laughed so hard when they made Edward a disco dancer.

The best part of the day was riding the carnival rides. I had always been too heavy to ride rollercoasters and Ferris wheels; I couldn't get enough of the various rides. Edward would sit with his eyes closed and hold on tightly, but I wanted to see and feel every thrilling moment.

"You have no fear," he laughed and my cheeks were sore from all the grinning I was doing.

"I'm having so much fun, I missed all of this as a kid, thank you," I told him and leaned over to kiss his cheek.

He pulled me into a hug and kissed me in earnest. The adrenalin mixed with the feel of his body against mine made me attack him inappropriately. I wrapped my leg around his calf and ran my hands into his hair as I pushed my tongue into his mouth. He didn't push me away, but slowed me down by moving from my mouth to my ear and whispering, "I would kill for some funnel cake."

I giggled and finally let him out of my grasp. "You get the funnel cake and I'll get something I need to pick up really quickly. I'll meet you back here."

We separated and I ran back to where I saw a booth selling magic eight balls. I had it wrapped up with newspaper in a square box so he wouldn't know what it was. When I returned he was sitting on a bench holding two plates of funnel cake.

"You're going to join me, aren't you?" he asked and I saw such hope in his eyes.

"Sure, but you have to run with me later," I bargained and he nodded.

I wanted him to see me eating without any fear or hesitation, but after I ate half of what was on my plate I set it down to groan loudly. "This is too sweet, I feel sick to my stomach."

"Oh man, I didn't think about all the rides," Edward said and moved to the far end of the bench. "If you barf on me I will personally throw you in the ocean."

I slowly picked up a piece of the cake and chewed a couple of times and then opened my mouth wide.

He fell over in laughter and dipped his finger in the syrup and held my head to wipe it down my cheek. We were acting like children and receiving condescending stares from people walking by, but this was exactly what we both needed.

I never had the opportunity to attend a carnival and be silly; he needed to feel the innocence of youth, so we were childish and obnoxious and didn't give a damn. We left when it got dark, loaded down with stuffed animals and vinyl toys we paid much too much money to win, and I never even thought about going for a run.

When we got to the hotel I showered first and when he got in, I prepared his present by making a bow out of some streamers on a baton I had won. I set it on the bed and waited for him to return. He came into the room towel drying his hair and wearing only a pair of boxers. I had to force myself to look away.

"What's this?" he asked.

"I never got you a birthday present," I said with a smile.

He picked it up and shook it, making me laugh, and finally ripped off the newspaper and opened the box. "I had one of these as a kid, I didn't know they still made them," he said with a big smile.

"It will help you make important decisions, I mean, it is a _magic_ eight ball," I laughed.

He looked at me through his lashes and brought the toy up to his mouth and asked, "Does Bella love me?"

He turned it over and read, _Yes._

"See, it works," I teased.

"Does Bella know how much I love her?"

He held it up for me to read, _Without a doubt_.

I smiled at him and felt my heart beating quickly. He brought the ball to his mouth again and asked, "Should I show her how much I love her?"

I held my breath, praying the answer would be yes, but he turned it over to show, _Outlook not so good_.

"Just my luck, I buy the one broken one," I said with a dry mouth and continued to stare into his eyes.

He climbed onto the bed and sat in front of me before taking my hands into his. He appeared to be struggling with how he wanted to phrase his words and I knew it was something he felt would upset me.

I smiled and nodded to encourage him to continue.

"This has been so wonderful having you here. I feel like I am dating you, and getting to know you. I like the feeling," he said and swallowed.

"Edward, if you are not ready for anything between us, I understand," I said and tried not to look disappointed.

"No, you're reading me wrong. I feel like if we move forward physically it makes us a relationship, and it is just what I want, but I'm not really free to…."

"Shhh," I said and put my finger to his lips. "Today was so much fun, and I got to spend it with you. I can't ask for anything more."

"Someday," he whispered.

"Yes, someday," I agreed.

He didn't know his mother asked me to stay away from him. Whatever he was doing she wanted him thinking clearly, but a relationship with me was not something she would sit still for. I was here to show him forgiveness and offer him hope. Would I have sex with him and walk away? I would do anything he asked me to do.

We snuggled into the bed and the busy day caught up with us quickly. We were both sound asleep in a matter of moments.

I woke up first the next morning and snuck out of bed to jump in the shower. I was determined not to cry and make a scene when I left. I was wetting my hair when the curtain moved and Edward stepped in. I felt my hands automatically cover my body and he looked at me and shook his head. I looked into his eyes and knew he wouldn't laugh at the weight I had put on, so I dropped my hands.

His eyes moved slowly down my body and back up to my eyes. I watched as his expression turned to one of agony and thought he was going to leave, but instead he stepped closer and touched me very lightly on the back to bring our bodies together.

He sighed loudly and I responded by putting my arms around his waist and squeezing him tightly. I stayed against him as he shampooed my hair and moved us both directly under the spray. I got the soap and cleaned his body, keeping it innocent and touching him softly.

When we shut off the shower we both got towels and dried off each other. I went to the mirror to brush my hair, but he came up behind me and took the brush from my hand. I sat on the bed as he dried my hair and brushed it smooth.

I got his razor and gave him a shave, which was so sensual for me. He trusted me completely and sat with his eyes closed as I moved the blade over his face and throat. I wondered if Jasper would be so trusting. When I finished I leaned over to rub my cheek across his smooth chin. I closed my eyes and worried how I would ever go on without him. I would remember every curve of his face for eternity.

I watched him continue to sit with his eyes closed for a moment and he finally reached out for me and let his head fall against my stomach. I looked down at his hair and heard him sniff. "No, Edward, no tears," I said and pulled his face up to look at me.

"I need you, Bella," he said with a sad voice.

"I'll be right there, whenever you need me," I promised.

"I wish it could be different," he said. "I wish I could take you far from here, but this isn't something I can run from."

"Is it something you can share with me?" I asked and knew Esme would want to box my ears for even asking. "I know your partner died."

He looked away from my eyes instantly and I worried I had said too much. I didn't want our last day to be tense and awkward so I quickly changed the subject. "Okay Mr. Cullen, what is on the agenda today?" I asked with a smile. "Sky diving, jet skiing, or cliff jumping?"

He didn't respond and stood to walk to the other side of the bed. I was so worried he was mad, but when he turned around his eyes smoldered and his face was absolutely beautiful. He picked up the magic eight ball and held it to his mouth as he stared into my eyes. "Should I make love to Bella?" he asked in a soft voice that sent chills down my spine.

He turned the ball over, but never looked down at the answer and said, "Oh God, yes."

15

I couldn't move and my eyes filled with tears. They were not sad tears, but the way he looked at me, so full of love; I couldn't do anything but cry. He let the ball fall from his hands onto the bed and walked over to take my hands in his.

"Did you already… I mean, have you…God, this is hard to ask," he said with frustration and I furrowed my brow and tried to determine what question he wanted to ask.

"Have you met another man?" he finally settled with.

"Are you asking me if I slept with Jasper?" I said and watched him nod shamefully.

"You didn't ask him?" I asked in surprise.

"No, I wasn't sure he would tell me the truth," he answered and let his head drop.

"Edward," I said and he looked back into my eyes. "The only thing I have experienced has been with you. I might disappoint you," I told him and he smiled.

"I wanted you so badly at first, but the deeper I fell for you the more I wanted to distance us from what I had to do each night. This weekend has taken it all away and the only thing that remains is my love for you. I want to show you how much I love you and want you to be happy ten years from now it's me standing here."

"There is nobody else on the face of the earth I would want to make love to me right now, you're it, you're him, you're mi…"

I stopped because he wasn't mine. I had to walk away forever after today and hope we could both be happy with other people. It still didn't change my mind about him, about right now. I removed my towel and climbed up on the bed. He did the same and rolled over to hover over me.

"We'll go really slowly," he whispered and I smiled at him, bringing him down onto me.

He kissed me and let me lead. I felt like I was dreaming as I deepened the kisses and he responded in every way. His body became aroused and he pushed against me and moaned so I let my hand move to touch him. He whispered something but I was lost in the sensation of holding him in my hand. It was all so new to me and I was mesmerized by the feel and sense of him.

He let his mouth move to my chest and I arched into the motion he used letting my mouth fall open. I could fell his fingers trailing my ribs as they continued to move lower and lower. "Right here, Bella, do you like when I do this," he asked as my body tensed in joy and I nodded.

"Let me show you that spot on me," he said with heavy breaths and placed my hand back onto him, moving my finger into position. He hissed loudly as I ran my finger back and forth on his most sensitive spot.

He went back to my body and I gasped at his manipulations. "More," I cried out, "I need more."

He moved up to look at my face as his hand entered the place I wanted him so badly. "Right there is your hymen," he said and kissed me softly. "I'm going to use my hand and break it, okay?"

I expected some excruciating pain or some major sound, but it was only a small stinging sensation which was instantly relieved by his massaging. "Now, see how it feels when I stimulate both areas," he said and I began breathing in short panting breaths.

"Edward, too slow," I gasped, "I need you,"

He moved back over me and held my head in his hands as he moved very slowly and very carefully. He would wait every time I tensed until my body adjusted to his. His jaw was so tight and his neck muscles were bulging.

"Oh God, Bella," he yelled and his head dropped.

I let my legs come around him and he began slow steady movements. I began raising my hips to meet him and his movements quickened.

It was all new and I wasn't sure what I was supposed to be doing for him. I let my hand fall underneath us and cup him each time he thrust. He quickly moved my hand away and rolled over so I was on top of him.

"I won't last if you do that," he said and closed his eyes.

His hands held my hips tightly and began moving me to the rhythm he needed. He finally brought his fingers to where we were connected and touched the spot that made me scream out with pleasure. I leaned back onto my palms as he continued moving my hips.

His face was so primal, clenched and determined, and when he licked his lips my entire body screamed out at the sight. He sat up, pulling himself to my chest and held me tightly as he erupted into thrusts and loud grunts.

Our bodies calmed and he continued to hold me to him, kissing my collar bone and shoulders. He finally reached onto the floor and grabbed the towel and handed it to me. I didn't understand why and went to wrap it around my body.

He smiled and pulled it away before pushing me onto my back and cleaning us both. I watched him move with such knowledge and something crossed my mind. I was trying to think it through when he touched my nose with his finger, "Bored of me already?"

I sat up and looked at him. "I don't know what is going on, I mean, I know a little bit from the internet, but I don't know who you are trying to find by what you're doing. I was thinking about how you talk to the women and most of them need your expertise. If someone was brave enough to murder a man, they would most likely look for someone who needed their expertise."

He looked at me for a few moments as if trying to decide if he wanted to respond or not so I kept going. "If a man got caught without his weapon or anyway to respond he most likely was with a woman who was leading, he was submitting to her, right? Or if she had a guy working with her, again the mark would be in a weaker position."

"The mark?" Edward laughed and I smacked his arm.

"When I called you, it was like you became whatever I needed. What if she is a confident woman who wants to be what you need?"

"We need to stop talking about this, okay?" he said and I found the nerve to ask one last question.

"Is Esme the hired hit man?"

"My mom?" he asked and fell onto his side in laughter. I was embarrassed by his reaction and scooted over to the other side of the bed.

"I've seen her with a knife," I pointed out.

"She was a professional chef," he said and broke into laughter again. I had no idea what to believe and really didn't trust Edward to tell me the truth, even after doing what we just did.

"Stop laughing at me," I said and grabbed the towel to take into the bathroom. I was just about to climb from the bed when I said the one thing that stopped all his laughter. "Edward, we didn't use protection."

He looked up at me and his face began to turn pale. "Where are you in your cycle?" he asked.

"I stopped having periods," I said and he instantly let out a sigh of relief.

"Let's go get breakfast and stop by the drugstore," he said and got up to get dressed.

"We're going to do it again?" I asked with a smile.

He walked over and pulled me into his arms to kiss me and spoke with his lips still on mine. "I'll never tire of having you, you were amazing."

It made me sad to hear his words and know we only had today. It didn't matter if he finished whatever he was doing, he needed to find a girl who didn't worry about every bit of food she put into her mouth. I let myself consider the possibility of finding some way to make Esme accept me.

"When are you moving back to your apartment?" he asked and I took a deep breath.

"I'm doing really well at home, I'm not sure if I should go back."

He gave me a soft smile and said, "Do what you need to do."

We dressed and went to the hotel restaurant where we sat and stared lovingly at each other. He ordered waffles, eggs and bacon. I felt anxiety rise up in me and decided to look for a healthy choice and not a diet choice. I ordered oatmeal with raisins and a glass of slim milk.

"I know you can't talk about what you do, and I'm not exactly sure how Jasper fits into the story, but what does Alice and Emmett do?"

"Jaz owns a patent on a certain type of lens used with lasers. He can pretty much do whatever he wants," he said as he ate.

"His spy skills are lacking," I mumbled and Edward smiled without commenting. "Was his brother older or younger?"

I saw Edward's eyes drop and I could tell how much the subject upset him, and he refused to acknowledge my question. "Alice works with a manufacturer developing hair and makeup products. Rosalie supports Emmett; he is the bum of the family and would rather work out than work on a career. She is a web designer."

"And your mom was a chef," I stated and watched for any reaction.

"And I work for a phone sex line," he said and looked away refusing to meet my gaze.

"I thought you were a mathematician," I said softly and his jaw flinched.

The waitress came to our table and his face was full of relief. He assured her we were doing well and changed the subject right away. I decided to stop grilling him and let him have a stress free day.

I dreaded the day I would run into Jasper again. I understood his desire to find his brother's killer but thinking I was trying to purposely confuse the case was, well, just plain crazy. Bella Swan, not double O seven, but double X. I giggled and Edward looked at me.

"So the little toys I saw in your office, what's up with that?" I smiled and saw his face redden a bit.

"Tools of the trade," he said with a chuckle. "I was in need of a little research."

"Do you have any with you?" I whispered after leaning closer.

"You're trying to kill me, aren't you? Like my life isn't in enough danger."

I laughed loudly and watched him break into a big smile. He reached over and took hold of my hand before saying, "I love you so much."

I wanted to beg him to remember me and let his knife wielding mother know he couldn't be happy without me. I wanted him to walk away from the danger and travel the world with me riding rollercoasters all over the world.

Instead I kept my mouth shut and we headed into the drugstore for my first experience at condom shopping. Edward stood in front of the packed shelf and asked me to choose one. I stared in shock at the selection and laughed when I saw each one claiming to be for the larger man.

"Is there a brand for a regular man and his big ass woman?"

"I'm regular?" he asked trying to sound hurt.

"I have a big ass?" I responded trying to sound just as offended.

"We need this one," he said picking up a box for the triple X man and his woman demanding more friction.

I laughed and a mother with a preteen daughter walked passed and glared at us. "Sorry, he thinks he's triple X," I said to embarrass him.

"She had sex for the first time today, so she wouldn't know," he said and I pushed him harshly and wanted to die of humiliation.

"I'm not having sex with you again," I announced, "I'm buying my true love; a pounder bag of M&M's."

I walked off and he grabbed a box and came running after me picking me up off the ground and dragging me to the checkout stand. He set the box on the counter and then tossed a small bag of M&M's next to it. I kissed his cheek and ignored the smirking clerk.

We headed back to the hotel and I noticed how quickly the day was passing. I tried not to think about it and enjoy the moment, but it all ended when we walked into the lobby of the hotel to find Esme waiting for us.


	6. Chapter 16 thru 18

16

Esme walked over to us with her no nonsense style and I felt myself take a step behind Edward as I held tightly to his hand. She didn't acknowledge me and spoke only to her son. "I need to get back to Seattle earlier than planned, let's go."

I felt tears fill my eyes and I wanted to protest. She was the one who told me I had until Monday morning, what if I hadn't fixed Edward yet? We hadn't used any of the condoms; I couldn't make love to him once and walked away forever. She wasn't being fair and I hated her.

"Can I bring him to Seattle tomorrow morning?" I asked quietly and her jaw tensed making her look so much like her son.

"Edward, now," she said as if he was a small child.

"Give me an hour," he said and pulled me down the hallway.

I was huffing in protest at the thought of doing it as his mother waited outside the door keeping time. He pulled me into the room and let go completely as he paced back and forth. I watched him mumble to himself and finally turn to look at me.

"So the woman needs to lead and I need to act less knowledgeable. I need to have a way…" he began pacing again and I stared at him in shock. I thought he wanted me one last time, but he wanted to work through my theory.

"Why do you have to do it, because it was your partner?" I asked never expecting an answer.

He looked at me for a few moments and finally whispered, "It's my family, Bella."

I glanced over at the door and nodded. "You better go, the chef is waiting," I said with a broken heart.

He threw his stuff in his bag and took only the eight ball, leaving everything else from our time together. We both stared at the bag from the drugstore, unwilling to claim the condoms for possible future use. I looked at him as he stood with his bag in his hand ready to leave.

"What do you need to hear from me?" he asked with a pained voice.

"No lies," I said as I cried.

He walked toward the door and stopped to kiss my forehead. I grabbed his shirt with my fists and held on tightly. It had only been two hours since he made love to me, it wasn't fair. He finally had to pull my hands off of him and walked out the door. He was gone, and I had given him the plan to bring forth a killer.

I didn't even make it to the bed; I collapsed onto my knees and cried.

I got home and found my complimentary tickets waiting for me. My romantic trip with Edward would never happen, but getting far from Washington sounded great to me, so I called Jessica. A free trip to Hawaii would make sure only good gossip spread about me for at least a month.

We decided to go in November and it gave me several weeks to get healthy for a trip. I began asking my mom about various vitamins and minerals and exactly what benefits they gave. I made sure my body had fuel before I exercised and enjoyed the family walks the most. My hair was growing thicker and the covering of soft fuzz was gone from my body.

I looked so much better to outsiders but I felt horrible. I was exhausted all the time due to lack of sleep. I thought about Edward constantly at night. It was the only time I allowed myself to focus on him so most nights found me crying in my bed.

I was getting a drink one night when my dad walked through the door. "Were you called in?" I asked him.

"Yeah, someone hit a pole and we had electrical lines down," he said and rubbed his eyes.

"Dad, do you know what cryptography is?"

"Something to do with mummy's?" he chuckled.

"Yeah, and he has a fierce mummy," I laughed, leaving him confused. "What do you think about all this mess with the governor's bodyguard?"

"Well, I don't have all the details but there are certain things I know for sure, the kid was killed for knowing too much. He was only hired less than a month before his death which probably means he was a plant. He was a single guy, easy for a pretty woman to turn his head. He got sloppy and let his guard down."

"Who do you think Carlisle Cullen is protecting?" I asked.

"Nobody, those television types always try to insinuate themselves into stories."

"The guy who was killed was his son's partner; they were cryptographers, code breakers."

Charlie turned to give me his full attention and his eyes seemed suddenly much less tired. "How do you know this information?"

"Um…Jessica dated the dead guy's brother."

"Well, I'm sure the brother is the informant, brother's talk, more so than partners."

"Wouldn't it make the brother a target of the hit man if he knows who he is?"

"I'm sure it would, but the governor doesn't seem worried about his state congress being knocked off. The majority belongs to his party, so he has nothing to gain by getting them killed."

I nodded and gave my dad a quick kiss before heading off to bed. I regretted getting up for water and had to pee all night.

It was now time for the most difficult task for any woman, let alone a former fatty; I had to buy a swimsuit. I took my mother with me, needing someone to lean on for support. She picked out several colorful bikinis and I picked out large black one piece suits.

I stood in the dressing room and stared at the black suit hanging off me like a sack. I picked up one of my mom's choices and turned away from the mirror. I was shocked once again when it easily pulled over my hips. I counted to three before turning around to look in the mirror.

I didn't see the large bulging woman nor did I see the skeletal frame of a child. I had muscles, I had shapely legs, and I had full breasts. I stepped from the dressing room and my mom smiled. "Wow, Bella, you have great boobs."

I looked down and couldn't help the smile, "Yeah, I do."

"I don't like the color, try the blue one," she suggested and I didn't hear a double meaning. A few months ago I would have heard totally different words. Just a comment on the color would have sounded like, "You are too fat to wear a soft color, put on something dark to hid your rolls."

I tried on several and settled on a sapphire blue bikini. I wondered if I would remain so confident when I got to the beach in Maui. We were leaving the mall when my mother asked about my apartment.

"I think I'll go back after Christmas," I said. "I know it seems crazy to waste rent money on something I'm not using but I really needed to be here, mom."

"I'm not trying to push you out; you can stay as long as you want. I'm just wondering if there was another reason you left, like a guy maybe?"

"Guys don't want a woman who starves herself and only sees rolls of fat when she looks in the mirror," I said and realized I should have qualified my statement, guys seem fine with it, but their mother's don't.

"When you love and trust a man it gives you someone to confide in. It makes issues seem smaller," she said and watched for my reaction.

"Ah, you almost had me, but you used the word trust," I said sadly and looked away as we walked.

"Did you meet a man who lies?" she asked and I laughed loudly.

"Don't they all?"

"No, Bella, they don't. Your father has never lied to me. If this man lies forget about him right now."

"I already have," I said and lied to my own mother.

Jessica and I arrived in Maui after a miserable flight. I was drinking water on the plane like a diabetic and climbing over her constantly to go to the bathroom. I felt motion sickness and held tightly to the airsick bag. I wanted to kiss the ground when we landed and Jessica wanted to leave me on the tarmac.

The resort was beautiful and we changed quickly and headed to the beach. It was my moment of truth. I watched Jessica pull off her cover up and adjust her suit right in front of a group of young men. They stared with large eyes at her large assets and began speaking a little too loudly about the tattoo on her breast.

I sat on the lounge chair, still wearing my cover up. "I should get a tattoo," I said and her head snapped around to look at me.

"You really should, let's get something to remind us of our trip, a flower or something," she said enthusiastically.

I had been thinking of something more along the lines of an Edward reminder, but I kept quiet.

"Aren't you going to get some sun?" she asked and looked me up and down.

I hesitantly pulled my cover up off, closed my eyes, and waited for the laughter. I didn't hear anything and began to relax. I felt shade over me and opened my eyes to see a young man holding out a coconut cup. "Would you like a drink?" he asked.

"Oh, no thank you, I'm kind of a health nut," I said and pulled my towel over my exposed body.

"I'll get you some juice then," he said and quickly walked away.

Jessica turned to look at me and smiled, "He's cute Bella, go for it."

"Stop it," I said and looked over at the bar to see him smile at me while he waited. He was ripped with big muscles, reminding me of Emmett, and had dark skin with incredibly white teeth.

He came back and handed me a drink of tropical fruits with a flower sticking out of it. "Thanks," I mumbled and sat up.

"My name is Jake," he said and held out his hand as he sat on my chair.

"I'm Bella, and this is my friend Jessica."

"Hey, Sam," he yelled over my head. "Her name is Jessica."

Jessica looked behind her and gave the shy man a smile, "Get over here, Sam."

He shook his head and laughed as he walked over to join her. I looked back at Jake and noticed how he gave my body a quick glance. I wished I had gone with the black one piece sack.

"Where are you from?" he asked.

"I'm from Washington State, Seattle," I said and felt myself blush for some reason.

"Cool," he said. "I'm from Kona, on the big Island."

"You live in Hawaii and vacation here?" I laughed.

"I won a radio contest, and one resort is just like another, don't you think?"

I wanted to really shock him and tell him I worked for an airline but never travelled to anywhere other than here. This was the only resort I had ever experienced, but I nodded and said, "We'll pretend you're in Australia. Have you seen the Koala's yet?"

"Damn, missed them, but I have snorkeled the barrier reef just over there," he said as he pointed to a spot off the beach where people were floating with snorkeling gear.

"Clever," I said with a laugh and his smile made my heart speed up a bit.

"I have coupons for kayaks, how about we grab a couple and look for whales. It's a bit early in the season but we saw a few last night."

"Whales?" I gasped. "I'm not going out there with whales."

He laughed at my reaction and took my hand to pull me up. "They don't actually come up to the kayak, plus it is illegal for boats to get too close to them."

I walked across the beach with him as he continued to hold my hand. I felt so exposed and my heart was racing. He noticed my reaction and asked, "Is it okay to hold your hand?"

"Yeah, sure, I'm just uncomfortable in this bikini with my Washington pale skin."

He smiled in his way that made me relax and pulled me closer to him. "We have the best bodies on this entire beach," he said and I noticed how he flexed a little.

"You have the best body, I'm just sun deprived," I laughed and it seemed to make him happy that I commented on his body.

"Bella wants to get a tattoo," Jessica said.

"I'm only considering it," I corrected.

"My cousin lives here, I can get you one for free," Sam said, finally speaking to the group.

"I want a little whale, right here," Jessica said and pulled her bikini bottom down to an almost obscene level.

Sam smiled and moved his body closer to hers and said, "I can arrange that."

"What are you thinking of getting?" Jake asked and I suddenly knew exactly what I wanted.

"I want a magic eight ball that says, Oh God, Yes."

Jessica laughed loudly and blurted out, "Finally, Bella gets a little horny."

My entire body blushed and I looked away from the group. Jake noticed how uncomfortable I got and changed the subject. He was a really nice, polite man and the fact his muscles rippled as he rowed the kayak didn't hurt at all.

We were far from the shore when he asked me for a date. "Sam's cousins are having a luau, a real one, not like the show they put on at the hotel. I would really like to bring you as my date," he said with a soft voice.

"When, we are only here for four days," I told him.

"Tonight. I won't lie; it will be real Hawaiian food and eating with our fingers while sitting on the sand. No fire dancers or hula girls."

I wanted to tell him his description meant nothing to me; it was the words he used that got my attention. 'I won't lie,' was all I needed to hear. Three little words made him the best date I could imagine.

17

Jessica was very taken with Sam and I didn't point out how much he reminded me of Mike. He was a big guy, but very meek, letting Jessica take control of everything. I was certain the man would be seduced on the beach this very night.

We remained dressed in our swimsuits and brought a hoodie and pants for when the sun set. Jake only wore a pair of cutoffs and never seemed to get hot or cold. There was a huge crowd of people and I got lost during the introductions after the third name. I did catch one name for sure, Leah. She seemed very upset that I had shown up with Jake.

When the pig was finished being shredded into a large pan we all made a plate of food. I chose the fresh fruits and tried some of the pig cooked in a fire pit. It was tender and sweet and I willingly took another bite when Jake held out some meat with his fingers.

He watched me take it into my mouth and then pulled his fingers to his and licked off all the juice. If it was meant as a seduction move it worked. I moved automatically to my knees and held his face in my hands as I kissed him.

His kisses were not slow building like Edward's or short sucking motions like Jasper's. His warm mouth covered mine and began first thing with his tongue. I noticed how a man kissed was so telling of his personality.

Edward was cautious and became deeper as he opened up. Jasper was only willing to go so far, keeping it quick, most likely so his girlfriend wouldn't find out. Jake was open and free, jumping right in and making you feel he honestly liked you.

I also wondered what my kisses said about me. I was terrified with Edward, desperate with Jasper, and relaxed with Jake.

"Let's get in the water," he said and stood to help me up.

I pulled off my cover up and walked into the warm surf. He pulled me into his arms and my legs wrapped around his body. The sun was setting and the water looked like melted gold as it lapped around our bodies.

"You are so beautiful," he said and put his hand in my hair gently.

"You don't have to do that," I said and dropped my face.

"Sure I do," he continued with a grin. "I get to hold you in my arms, I better appreciate it."

"You're a really sweet guy," I told him honestly.

"I feel like that sentence ends with a 'but'."

I looked into his eyes reflecting off the water and knew I could ask him anything. He brought me around all of his friends and it wasn't awkward and they didn't give each other side glances. He also took me into the water away from the prying eyes on the beach so I wouldn't be laughed at.

"No, but," I said and leaned in to kiss him again.

We stayed in the water as it grew darker and darker, kissing and talking softly. He was two years younger than me and worked with his father on a pineapple farm they owned. He loved Hawaii and felt as if he was part of the land.

"I can be as angry as a volcano and as still as the morning water," he said. "My roots are here, back to the days of ruling kings who came here on canoes."

"Is it hard to see it so overrun by tourists?" I asked.

He smiled and pulled me tighter to him, "I can't regret the tourists; it brought you here."

"Do they all fall for your charm as easily as I did?" I asked and his smile fell.

"I don't usually do this. I've never met a tourist before because they leave." He looked into my eyes and took a deep shaky breath. "I already know I'm really going to miss you."

I didn't come here to fall in love; I came to forget Edward and try to find the strength to do it. Maybe Jake was my strength. I put my head on his shoulder and closed my eyes. His arms felt so safe and I finally admitted something I had been trying so hard to ignore. A lot of the women in Sam's family were big and nobody said a word about what they ate or how they looked. Maybe I could fit in here.

When I began to shiver we moved from the water back to the beach. I pulled on my sweatshirt and we lay on a blanket by the bonfire. Jake was on his side and I was on my back. He played with my hair, ran his hand under my shirt and across my stomach, and kissed me often.

When someone began playing the guitar I looked over and saw Leah glaring at me. "Is Leah an old girlfriend or something?" I whispered to Jake.

"Ignore her," he said with a sigh. "Her mother and mine are best friends and promised us to each other. She despises me and I find her annoying."

"So why is she looking at me like she wants to kill me in my sleep?"

"She most likely wants to kill you in your sleep," he laughed and I looked at him with wide eyes. "She doesn't like mainlanders. She thinks Hawaii should remain full-blooded Hawaiians."

At that moment Sam came over with his cousin to discuss tattoos. I was no longer certain if I should get something to remind me of Edward or of Jake. I loved Edward, but Jake would cause happy memories not remind me my heart was broken.

"I think I'll watch Jess get one and then decide," I said trying to act afraid.

"It's not so bad if you drink heavily first," the man said seriously.

"You'll have to add vodka to your juice," Jake said into my ear.

"I think I'll have to forget the juice all together," I said honestly.

"Okay, yes I want to do it," Jessica told the man.

She made an appointment for the next day and pulled Sam's arm as she walked away saying, "Come have sex with me pre tattoo so you can tell me if there is a difference afterward."

Leah stomped away and I looked at Jake nervously hoping he didn't expect me to want the same comparison.

"Jessica is a bit…uninhibited," I said as I shook my head.

"Is that a big word for easy?" he laughed and I nodded.

"I'm not, in case you're wondering, easy that is," I said awkwardly.

He smiled and I turned onto my side to face him. His finger pushed some hair behind my ear and he looked at my lips. "Just tell me when you want to leave," he said softly.

"I may never want to leave," I whispered to him.

"I may never want you to leave."

We stayed the entire night curled up on the blanket next to the fading fire. I slept in his arms under the Hawaiian stars and felt hope that my heart would be capable of healing, until my dreams turned to Edward. I dreamed of his voice over the phone, saying sweet romantic things to me. I asked him to come over to my apartment so I could see him, but when I opened the door he stepped back and said, "You're not her, you're not the one I want."

I tried to grab onto him but he kept moving away from me. He finally turned and pulled another woman into his arms. I watched as they kissed aggressively and his hands moved over her body finding joy in every part of her. I cried out and had to run to the railing with nausea.

"Bella, are you okay?" Jake asked.

I jumped from the blanket and ran to the water where I vomited profusely. He waited for me as I held my hand out for him to stay back. I was humiliated and hoping I wasn't getting sick. Jessica walked up with her hair a mess and said, "Are you okay?"

"I must have eaten something that didn't agree with me," I said as I swore off pig meat forever.

"I'll take you back to the hotel," Jake offered and I nodded.

Jessica woke up Sam and we all headed back. I sat with my head back and tried not to get sick from the rocking of the jeep over the unpaved road. We parted at the lobby and I went right to a tub to soak. Jessica fell asleep while she waited for me and I felt a lot better after I dressed and dried my hair.

It was her turn to shower and dress for the day. We headed to breakfast and I knew I would hear all about her night with Sam. I walked along the buffet and nothing sounded good to eat. I really worried about getting sick on my one and only vacation. I settled on a piece of dry toast and sat down to wait for Jessica.

"That's all you're going to eat?" she asked.

"Yeah, my stomach isn't doing too well. Tell me about Sam," I asked to move the focus off of food.

"Well, he is pretty quiet, but goes along with anything so I like him. He's a bit tame in the sack but I'll spice him up. Jake seems great."

"Yeah, he is. I wish he lived in Washington so I could get to know him better," I admitted.

"You fly for free and can pretty much work anywhere you want. Is he worth some effort?"

I wanted to tell her yes he was worth the effort. He was so nice, and we got along well, but there was one huge problem, he wasn't Edward. I enjoyed my time with Jake, but since coming back to the hotel I hadn't thought of him once. Edward was with me in the shower, in the room, and here in the restaurant.

"I'm not looking for anything long term, Jake's sweet, but that's all."

"God, don't you hate the sweet ones, they are so…respectful," she said with a full mouth.

I nibbled on the toast and thought about Edward. I wondered if his routine had changed and he was letting women tell him what they would do instead of the other way around. I hated random women using my man for their fantasies, but I had the biggest fantasy of all, thinking he was mine.

"Did you decide on a tattoo?" she asked.

"Yeah, the eight ball," I said knowing for sure I wanted to remember Edward forever.

We met the guys at one and headed to the tattoo shop. Jessica had changed her mind and got a surfboard instead of a whale, but she kept the same location. I had trouble choosing a place until Jake said, "Guys find the spot just off the hip bone sexy."

Sam handed me a bottle of vodka and just the sight of it turned my stomach. I was going to have to do it sober and hope I had the nerve. Jessica drank right up and only winced a little during her ordeal. Mine was going to be larger and I cried like a baby. Jake held my hand and talked me through it as he wiped the tears from my eyes.

I was finally allowed to look in a mirror at the red swollen skin showing the greatest words Edward ever said to me. Everyone assumed the pain from the tattoo was making me cry, they had no idea it was the pain of losing the man I loved.

Sam had a dragoon tattoo freshened up and we left to see a movie. I leaned against Jake's chest from exhaustion and slept during the whole thing. He held me and kissed my head often as I dreamed of Edward.

The sun was getting low when we met up at the beach and I was feeling very hungry, ravenously hungry. I got a large burger and fries from the cabana and ate it all plus some of Jake's fries.

"How do you stay so thin?" he asked and I shook my head at him.

I was feeling so much better and when he asked if I wanted to take a walk along the beach I jumped at the opportunity. Sam and Jessica stayed behind to make out on a blanket and I was sure they would end up in the room quickly since she was still buzzed from the vodka.

"Sorry about the movie," I said feeling badly for falling asleep.

"Don't be, I loved holding you," he said and pulled me to his chest and kissed me passionately.

He had a definite effect on me and my body easily responded to his, it was my heart that had trouble following along. His breathing grew loud and he pulled back to look into my eyes. "Come to my room," he said and I felt chills run through me.

"I don't know, Jake," I said hesitantly.

"I won't pressure you for sex, I promise," he said as he looked directly at me to see if I believed him.

I watched him for a moment and finally nodded. We walked quietly to his room as the sun set and the darkness made it easier. He left the lights off and opened the drapes to show the beautiful stars. We climbed onto his bed and kissed until we were both panting from need.

When I moved my hand down his suit he did the same and I gasped loudly. My body was screaming with pleasure at the feel of his hands on me. I moaned loudly and he intensified his movements. I followed along at the same pace on him. My head fell back and I called out unconsciously, "Yes, Edward."

Jake froze for a moment and pulled back, removing his hands from my body. I opened my eyes to see the hurt expression on his face and realized what I had said. "I'm sorry," I said as tears formed.

"Are you married?" he asked me and I shook my head back and forth.

"No, I'm in love with a man I can't have," I admitted.

He sat up and took a deep breath to calm his body.

"Jake, I'm sorry; I wasn't imagining you were him. I just said the wrong name, that's all."

I climbed off the bed and walked from the room, he didn't try to stop me. When I got back to my room a note was stuck to the mirror.

_Bella,_

_Some guy called, told him you were with Jake for the night._

_Jess_

I ran to the bathroom and threw up my huge dinner.

18

I wanted to believe it was Edward who called and not my father. They were the only two men I knew. Edward would have had to call my parents to find out where I was so I called home. My mother answered and asked how things were going. I told her we were having a ball and that I got a tattoo.

"Your father will freak," she said and I laughed.

"I'm twenty-six and he'll never see it," I told her and knew it was time to move back to Seattle. "Did anyone call for me?"

"Yeah, I assumed it was work, I gave them the flight information and your hotel, was that okay?"

Of course she assumed it was work, why would a man call her fat friendless daughter? I fought back my tears and assured her everything was fine. I hung up the phone and broke down. He was actually looking for me and called Hawaii, it had to mean something. I ran to the front desk and asked if they had any computers I could use. They told me the internet café was closed for the day and I would have to wait until nine the next morning.

Jess never came back and I tossed and turned all night. When I finally fell asleep I dreamed of running into Edward's arms. I could hardly wait until I could show him the tattoo. Everything was looking better and I cursed myself for being in Hawaii.

The door opening woke me up and I sat up to see Jessica dragging in. She glanced at me and fell face first onto the bed. "I'm never drinking again," she moaned.

"Was it Edward who called?" I asked enthusiastically.

"Huh?"

"The man who called last night, was it Edward?"

"I don't know," she said with her face still buried.

"Well, think," I yelled and she finally raised her head.

"He said, 'may I speak to Bella,' and I said, 'isn't she with you, Jake,' and he said, 'this isn't Jake,' and I said, 'oh, well she's with Jake, most likely for the night,' and he hung up."

"He didn't say goodbye, he just hung up?" I asked as my heart pounded loudly.

"I don't know," she said angrily, "I was being serviced by Sam at the time, it was hard to speak."

"You are such a slut," I said through my tears and ran to the bathroom to throw up again.

She walked to the doorway of the bathroom and looked at me as I sat on the rim of the tub.

"So is it Edward's baby?" she asked with a disgusted smirk.

"What?" I said angrily.

"You're pregnant, Bella. Please tell me you know whose baby it is."

"I'm not pregnant," I said appalled she would assume such a thing.

"You throw up, you're tired all the time, you pee constantly and get extremely hungry. If you haven't had sex, expect a visit from an angel because you are so pregnant."

I covered my face with my hands and sobbed loudly. I was so stupid, I didn't have time to grow up and learn how to maneuver the social world. I was twenty-five before a man even noticed me. I didn't realize I should have taken condoms with me to the hotel and told Edward about his mother's threats. I should have demanded answers from him and confronted Jasper about his thoughts on who I was. I should have brought someone with me to Hawaii I trusted and had things in common with instead of the first girl from Forks to call me thin.

"I want to go home," I cried.

"Get up," Jessica said, "We'll get a pregnancy test and find out for sure."

I washed my face and opened the door to find Jake ready to knock. I broke into tears again and he asked Jessica to give us a moment. She went into the bathroom and got into the shower.

"I hope I didn't cause that look on your face," he said sweetly.

"No, you didn't."

"I wanted to apologize for how I acted last night. I have no right to be angry with you and I wanted to tell you I enjoyed meeting you and spending time together."

"Thank you, you are a very sweet handsome man," I told him and he smiled widely causing me to do the same.

"If you're interested we are taking a boat ride tonight, you are invited to come along," he said and handed me a piece of paper with his number on it.

I took it and nodded; afraid I would begin to cry again if I spoke to him. He left and Jessica got out of the shower and dressed before we headed out to the internet café and the drugstore. I purchased a test and went to look up information online as she went to get food and bring it to our room.

I searched for news about Edward and found nothing. Then I searched for Carlisle and found information on a man named James and a woman named Victoria who were suspects in the murder of Warren Whitlock. It didn't say anything about how they were apprehended and I wanted to believe it was all over and Edward needed me to come home to him.

I had no number to call him and found Carlisle's and Esme's unlisted. I knew I could call the station but I didn't want Edward's parents to know I was looking for him. I was stuck on an island in the middle of the pacific and wanted to be home more than anything I had ever wanted in my life.

I headed back to the room and Jessica sent me straight to the bathroom to take the pregnancy test. I was torn, if everything was truly over I wouldn't mind having a child with Edward, but if his mother was still against letting me into the family a baby would be a nightmare.

I followed the instructions and brought the stick out for Jessica to read, I was too nervous. I forced myself to eat part of an omelet just in case I was eating for two. Three minutes seemed like an hour and I tried to think through both scenarios.

Finally Jessica stood and announced she was reading the results now. She glanced at the stick and looked over at me. "What?" I asked needed her to stop torturing me.

"You'll need a more modern name than Edward, so don't name him junior," she said and I looked down at my stomach.

I was carrying a baby, a part of Edward, and part of me was thrilled while another part was terrified.

"Don't get fat again," Jessica said and a whole other fear came to the surface.

There was no way I could do this; I couldn't handle my own life let alone a child who would depend on me. I looked at Jessica's concerned face and whispered, "I have to get rid of it."

She came over to sit next to me on the bed and asked, "How far along are you?"

I counted back in my mind and said, "Almost three months."

"Get out of here," she yelled and raised my shirt up to see my flat stomach. "No, way, it has to be earlier."

"No, I know the exact hour when I got pregnant," I told her leaving out the fact it was my one and only time having sex with a man.

"Is this Edward guy going to freak or be happy?"

"I have no idea," I said and felt another round of fear. "I'm not telling him, I need to have an abortion."

"Come on Bella, you only have six more months and some lucky couple can have him. Don't kill him because you made a mistake."

I jumped up and glared at her, "Stop calling it him."

"It is a him or a her already," she insisted and I felt overwhelmed and wanted Edward.

I was so tired of crying and so tired of feeling weak. I wanted Edward to be mine and I didn't care if his mother could filet me or not.

"I'm going home, Jessica, you can stay and finish the vacation, but I'm going home."

"What should I tell Jake?" she asked and I knew she was staying.

"I didn't sleep with him," I said and left out the fact I almost did. "Don't tell him anything."

I packed my bags and took a cab to the airport. I had to wait until late afternoon to get on a flight and arrived in Seattle before ten. I was exhausted, nauseous, and worried. I could feel my body expanding as the hours ticked by and wondered if people were staring at the poor pregnant woman without a ring.

I headed to my apartment and noticed the stale smell of stagnant air. Edward's lights were off but I pounded on the door anyway. He never answered. I peeked through the crack in the curtains and cried out when I saw the whole apartment was empty.

I ran to my car and drove quickly to the Cullens as I tried to come up with a reason to need Edward's address. Cars were parked all the way up and down the street and policemen were guarding the house. I saw someone dressed in a tux and gown and asked them what was going on.

"It's a fundraiser for the Governor," they told me.

I drove down about two miles and parked before heading back up the beach. I wasn't going to crash the party; I just wanted to wait until it broke up before asking about Edward. I walked to the pier and climbed under the barricades which were not being watched. I could see the deck and with the bright lights I could make out some of the people, like Esme and Alice.

I used a barricade to climb up to the rafters under the pier to watch the party. I pulled my legs up and leaned against the rails to wait. I closed my eyes for a few moments and heard a weird sound coming from the surf. I turned just my head to see someone dressed in all black coming from the water and making his way to the front of the pier by moving stealthily between the pillars.

My heart was beating loudly and I held perfectly still. The phantom knelt down and pulled a large gun from his side. He proceeded to remove his head covering and I put my hand over my mouth so I wouldn't make a sound at the sight of Emmett lining up someone in his crosshairs.

I looked at the deck and saw a black man with long hair pulled back standing with Esme. She stretched her arms in the air and I heard a ping as the man fell to the ground. My eyes shot open wide and I whimpered softly. Emmett spun around and pointed his gun right at me.

"No, please," I said barely above a whisper.

He ran over to where I was hidden in the darkness and pulled my leg, bringing me to the sand. He grabbed the back of my neck and pushed me into the cold surf. His gun went back into the holder against his side and he grabbed a can of some sort of breathing devise and put it in my hand and over my mouth. I was pulled under the water and Emmett grabbed onto something with his hand and we were pulled forward at an amazing speed.

I kept my eyes closed and breathed through the mouth piece as he held tightly to my neck. When we finally surfaced he pulled himself onto a sort of Jet Ski and dragged me onto his lap before taking off into the darkness.

I was shivering from the cold and from fear when he pulled into a cave along a rocky cliff. He tossed me onto the sandy shoal and shut off the machine he was driving. "Are you fucking insane?" he screamed loudly.

"I only wanted to see Edward," I cried.

"Damn it, damn it," he screamed as he paced back and forth.

"I won't tell anyone what I saw," I promised.

"Shut up," he screamed in total rage. "God Bella, I can't just let you go."

"You can, I won't say a word. I'm not even sure what happened."

"It's not my decision, damn it, Bella," he yelled again.

He pulled out a radio and spoke with his back to me. I couldn't hear what he was saying but I could hear whoever was on the radio. "She's collateral damage, take care of it."

Emmett turned to look at me and slowly raised his gun. His body blurred as my eyes filled with tears. I tried to speak several times before I could get the words out of my throat.

"I'm pregnant with Edward's baby," I gasped.

"I really don't care," he responded.


	7. Chapter 19 thur 21

19

For a few brief moments I thought it was over, all of it, I wouldn't have to worry about the scale, about Esme, about telling Edward I was carrying his baby. I straightened my shoulders and closed my eyes to welcome the completeness of my life.

I heard the ping of the gun, but I didn't feel anything. I opened my eyes and saw Emmett with his finger pressed against his lips telling me to stay quiet. He picked up his radio and said, "We're all clear."

A voice returned with, "Close it down."

He turned off his radio and put his hands on his knees and said, "Shit."

"Thank you," I said through tears.

"Where's your car?" he asked without responding to my gratitude.

"About two miles south from your parent's house," I answered with a shaky voice.

"Okay look, we need an alibi. Cops are going to be all over the place and we can't leave your car sitting there."

I nodded and hoped he didn't expect me to come up with it. He paced for a couple of minutes and turned to look at me. "Can you keep those tears up for a bit?"

"At least six more months," I said and placed my hand on my stomach.

"Turn around," he instructed and wrapped something over my eyes. I heard him grunting like he was pulling the large watercraft out of the water. He finally took my hand and pulled me into the cave. It didn't look very deep but we were walking for a really long time. When we emerged into a wooded area off the freeway he removed my blindfold.

His wetsuit was gone and he was wearing a pair of black slacks and a silk t-shirt. He took my hand and we walked along the road to my car. I gave him the keys and we climbed inside. I expected him to turn on the engine, but he only sat there looking in the mirrors.

"What are we doing?" I asked.

"We're waiting for the cops to find us. If they separate us, you say I met you at the pier to talk to you about the pregnancy. We've been here since midnight and I have been giving you advice."

We sat silently so I finally said, "Since we are pretending, why don't you actually give me some advice. What should I tell Edward?"

"Oh God, he only got out of the hospital two days ago," Emmett said and rubbed his temples.

I had to take some deep breaths to remain steady. Edward had been hurt and I was in Hawaii making out with Jake; kissing Jake as I carried Edward's baby. I finally managed the words, "What happened?"

Emmett rolled his eyes at my ignorance to think he would tell me so I told him what I did know.

"Was it James or Victoria who hurt him?"

"Edward and his fucking mouth," he said and looked in the mirrors again.

"He didn't tell me anything. I'm not stupid Emmett, I knew what he was doing and your mother filled in the rest. She also told me to stay away from him, so I can imagine how she is going to take the news she is going to be a grandma."

Emmett laughed loudly and turned to flash his dimples at me, "I really should have shot you."

"I may let you," I mumbled and looked out the window into the darkness.

We sat quietly again and I was beginning to feel very tired. He spoke softly and didn't look at me. "Edward thought he had it all planned out. He met with them and Jasper was waiting in the other room. He got them to admit the hit man was Laurent. When Jasper came running in James was waiting behind the door and knocked him out cold. They messed up Edward pretty good, but they didn't know Alice had a tail on Jaz. She showed up and stunned James and Victoria long enough for her to get Jasper's gun."

"They beat him bad enough to be in the hospital?" I asked with real tears falling.

He turned to face me with a pained expression. "Edward wasn't a field officer, either was Warren, they had no business going all in. They weren't prepared…mentally, for what could happen to them. If you mess around with sex perverts you're gonna get fucked."

I stared into his eyes and he nodded slowly. I shook my head refusing to acknowledge what he was telling me. "He called me, in Hawaii," I said and Emmett's eyes got wide.

"Really," he said with a smile, "Damn, he's tougher than I thought, or he's in love. Maybe he'll be happy about a baby, but I gotta tell you Bella, you whisper a word to him about me, I will kill you."

"Don't you work for the same people?" I asked in surprise.

"No, Edward is a prodigy, a math genius; he sits in front of a computer running algorithms. I work out and play video games."

"And your mom is a chef," I said and let out a disgusted breath. No wonder Edward lied so easily, his entire family life had been a lie. "You have to do something for me to guarantee my silence."

"Bella, you do not understand me. You talk, I shoot."

"I want you to buy Edward a month's worth of Count Chocula cereal," I explained.

He laughed loudly and the sound actually hurt my ears. I was about to tell him I was serious because Edward needed to be a child for awhile so he could recover, but a light shined into my car and Emmett whispered, "Here we go."

He rolled down his window and held up his hand to shield his eyes from the light. "What's going on officers?"

"Can we see some ID?" a man asked Emmett.

He reached into his pocket and pulled out his wallet and handed his license to the officer.

"Cullen?" he asked.

Emmett smiled and nodded, "Yes, Carlisle is my father."

"Were you at the house tonight?"

"Sure, until around, what Bella, midnight?" he asked and looked at me.

"Yeah, about then," I added.

"Do you know about the shooting at the party?"

"What?" Emmett gasped giving a perfect performance. "Are my folks okay, and my sister?"

The officers didn't answer and looked in the car at me. I wiped some old tears from my cheeks and looked away.

"What are you doing here?" they asked Emmett.

"This is Bella; she's my brother's girlfriend. Um…we have an issue, we were discussing."

"You're going to have to be more specific, son," the man not much older than Emmett said.

He leaned his head out the window and whispered, "She knocked up."

"God, Emmett, you can say it better than that," I yelled and the tears began flowing again.

He ignored my outburst and asked again, "Who got shot?"

"The head of the governor's security detail."

"Oh man, Dad's gonna be all over the airwaves with this one," he chuckled and the two officers did too. "Can I go see my parents or is it being blocked off?"

"Do you live there?"

"No."

"Stay away until tomorrow then."

"Okay, thanks," he said and took his license back and rolled up the window.

We watched them walk away in silence and Emmett took a couple of breaths through his mouth.

"Can you take me to Edward?" I asked and he started the car without answering. He drove out of the city to a small wooded community and turned down a long driveway.

"Is this where he lives?" I asked.

"No, this is where I live; Rose is taking care of him." He pulled in front of the beautiful home and turned one last time to look at me. "Bella, I can't stress enough how serious I am about this. I don't care that you're pregnant; you tell a soul and I will kill you, it goes for my family, too."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said and he smiled at me.

It was after three in the morning and I was beyond tired. We walked quietly into the house and he led me down a hallway to a door partially opened. I walked in to see Edward in a hospital bed. My tears were flowing quickly and I walked up to the bed and looked at his battered face. He opened his eyes and they were both filled with blood from broken vessels.

"Jessica lied," I said and watched tears fall from his eyes.

His hand rose and I took it and brought it to my mouth as my cries grew louder. "Come here," he whispered and grimaced as he scooted his body over.

I climbed onto the bed and lay in his arms as he groaned. I tried to pull away but he tightened his arms and murmured, "Un uh."

I put my hands softly on his chest and kissed his chin several times. "You're mother is going to kill me for being here," I whispered.

"I'm a big boy," he said.

"If it helps, I love you very much," I told him as my heart ached.

"It fixes everything," he whispered and I felt his arms loosen as he fell back to sleep.

I prayed he wasn't lying; I couldn't handle anymore lies from him. I was also afraid his mother would threaten me with Emmitt if I didn't disappear, making sure I actually disappeared. I was beginning to drift off myself when something caused my eyes to shoot open.

I felt a flutter across my stomach, as if someone was tickling me from the inside. I placed my hand on my stomach and felt a soft movement. I smiled and took Edward's hand and placed it in the exact spot. It took several moments but I felt it again.

My smile was huge and I looked up to see Edward's sleeping face; but I was shocked to see him looking at me. I automatically moved his hand away and my eyes dropped from his.

"Bella," he whispered. "I'm on pain pills."

"Just rest, we'll talk tomorrow," I said and watched his eyes fade.

I eventually fell asleep too, knowing we were all together, me, Edward, and our child. I didn't know what was happening in the world outside of that room. I didn't care about Forks, or Hawaii, or the investigation going on at the Cullens. Everything I cared about was right here in the hospital bed and my weight seemed like a silly concern after what happened to Edward. He needed me, and he needed me whole, so I had to get off my ass and grow up.

At nine thirty the next morning Rose came into the room to give Edward his medication. She didn't seem surprised to see me and also seemed to know my predicament. "I'll bring you some food when I bring Edward's."

I sat up and he stirred so I moved from the bed to give Rose access to him. She put some pills on his tongue and handed him a cup with a straw. "Will he be back out?" I asked.

"No, he'll be up for most of the day. He only takes the pain pills at night."

"Don't talk about me like I'm not here," he said in full grump mode.

"Shut up or go home," Rose said back to him.

"I don't have a home anymore," he said and let his head fall back.

I moved back to his side and put my hand on his heart. "Yes you do, you belong with me."

"You don't want me, believe me Bella, you don't want me anymore."

"This is going to be hard for you to work through, but it isn't any different for me. I had to listen to you through the walls for months, seeing everything in my head, so what happened wasn't any different for me."

"You know?" he whispered.

"Yes, and I love you as much as I ever have."

He kept his eyes closed and refused to look at me. I knew I had to clear up some things and I hoped he was strong enough. "Edward, your mother asked me to stay away from you, and not because you were in danger, but because she thinks I'm too screwed up for you."

"What?" he asked incredulously.

"I believed her; I thought I was too screwed up, too. But who isn't, I have issues over my weight and it will be in my head forever. I now know I can control it. The things you have been through this past year are going to be in your head forever, but you'll learn to control them. I don't want to stay away from you and I don't want us to be over, but you need to know I met a man in Hawaii and we messed around. We did not have sex but we did do other things."

"Other things, like what?" he asked and I had so hoped he wouldn't.

"We kissed, we slept under the stars on the beach, fully clothed," I added. "He took me to get a tattoo and we touched each other intimately, still fully clothed."

"He inked your body?" he yelled loudly and I suddenly became terrified to show him my tattoo and very relieved he wasn't yelling about the other thing.

"I picked it out because I wanted something to remember you by," I said and crawled onto my knees and pulled my shirt up to show him what was peeking out from my jeans.

He reached over with his hand and pushed my jeans down to get a look at the entire picture and then smiled and looked up at my eyes.

"You just shock the hell out of me, constantly," he said with a laugh.

"Well, hold on because this one might actually stop your heart," I said and bit my lip for courage.

"You have more tattoos?" he asked.

"No, I have something for you, a gift, one you can't return, ever."

"Does it involve a grass skirt and a coconut bra?" he asked with a chuckle.

"No, it evolves diapers and pacifiers," I said and watched his smile disappear.

"Edward, I'm three months pregnant with your baby."

20

Edward stared at me with a sullen face and I felt my breathing pick up as I realized he was not happy about what I had just told him. I don't know what I expected, he was lying there barely able to move and I just changed his entire life.

I climbed off the bed and moved to a chair as I waited for him to say something. He finally gave me a disbelieving chuckle and said, "Bella, we only had sex once, and you were not even menstruating."

I realized he thought I was mistaken, because I was so naïve about sex I couldn't possibly know anything about being pregnant. "I took a test," I said softly.

"Are you having any symptoms?" he asked and I could tell he was trying to wish it away.

"I felt it move, last night," I said as I began to cry.

"Oh God," he sighed, "It wasn't a dream."

I jumped up, ready to bolt from the room, when Rosalie walked in with breakfast. She looked at me and then over at Edward, sensing something was wrong.

"Sit down," she said and I obeyed. She gave me a plate with eggs, applesauce, and wheat toast. Edward's had runny eggs and yogurt and the sight of it made me sick. I looked away as she spooned it into his mouth.

I finally took a few bites of my food and she began talking. "Emmett and I have a lot of stuff we have to work through. We talk it out, fight it out, sometimes we even throw things, but at the end of the day I can't imagine being married to anyone else."

"Bella's pregnant," Edward said and Rose smiled because she already knew.

"And you're fighting over names?" she teased.

"I can't do it on my own, I don't know what I'll do if he doesn't want me," I said and looked back at my plate.

"I never said I didn't want you," Edward said loudly. "I'm just not ready to be a father, I mean look at me."

"I didn't want this baby," I said adamantly. "I was ready to get rid of it. But I felt it kick last night and I want it now. I want to be a mother and I want you right there with me, Edward. If you won't do it, I have to walk away from you forever."

"I need you, Bella. I need you to be here for me, I need to be selfish and lean on you," he said.

"A wise woman once told me, I'm not the one to tell you love heals all wounds, I'm the one to tell you to get off your ass and grow up, she was right. You got me pregnant Edward. We had unprotected sex because you wanted to play the expert and I was too stupid to think ahead. Now, we're having a baby."

"I'm sorry if I can't be happy about the thought of becoming a father as I lay her and grow sick at the remembrance of what happened to me. I can't…."

"What did you think was going to happen, Edward?" I yelled loudly. I never had the guts to stand up for myself but I was going to fight for my child. "You had both men and women orgasm over the sound of your voice, over the erotic things you said to them, over the instructions you gave them. Did you really think once you met them they would hand over information for nothing? You had toys for God's sake."

"It wasn't real when it was over the phone," he said and I stopped him again.

"It was real to me, and it was real to the men and women who called and sent you pictures. It was real when you called them babe, and honey, and sweetheart. It was real when you told them they were beautiful and only full bodied women could please you and you had a boyfriend. If you play the sex game you're gonna get fucked," I yelled loudly.

He threw off the covers angrily and pulled up his shirt to show stitches, then pulled down his pajama bottoms to show the reconstructive surgery he had on his genitals. He was swollen and looked distorted but everything was in its place.

"There, now you know," he said and looked away so he wouldn't have to see my face.

"Are you really that stupid, Edward Cullen? I spent my entire life trying to see myself for how I really looked. I still look in the mirror and see an obese woman looking back at me sometimes, because I have a hard time loving myself. But I have always loved you and when I look at you, all I see is perfection. Even now," I said and walked over to pull his pants back down, "All I see is perfection."

He looked at me and I saw his chin shaking and his bloody swollen eyes filled with tears. "When I look at you, all I see is perfection," he whispered.

"And when our child looks into our eyes it will only see perfection, too. I won't be the fat girl, I'll be mommy. You won't be the disfigured man, you'll be daddy."

"I'm scared," he said softly and pulled me onto the bed.

"Well, write an algorithm and get over it," I said and he actually laughed. The sound of his genuine laughter made my heart soar and the knowledge I got him to laugh did wonders for my psyche. I moved my mouth to his ear and asked, "Do you want me and our child?"

He ran his fingers over the tattoo on my hip and whispered, "Oh God, yes."

I moved to his mouth and kissed him lightly over and over again until Emmett came into the room. I wondered if Edward could write an algorithm to keep Emmett from killing me. He walked up to the bed and gave us a funny glance.

"Did you tell him?" Emmett asked.

"Yes," I said and tried not to look at him so he couldn't find any reason to off me.

"Didn't dad ever talk to you about wrapping your junk," he said to tease Edward.

"No, he felt I was handsome enough to procreate but you aren't."

I laughed and Emmett pushed my shoulder, "Stop laughing, unwed mother."

"Hey," Edward yelled in warning to his brother. "Don't tease her, Emmett."

"Bella and I have a bond, don't we Bella?" he said and winked at me when I glanced at him.

"Sure, Emmett lifts weights so he can pummel me, and I jog so I can run away from him," I said with a smile.

"Ah Bella, you're so funny, you can never run far enough or fast enough to get away from me," he said and I got his warning loud and clear.

I took a deep breath and looked at my own hands anxiously. Edward noticed my reaction and looked back at his brother. "Get the fuck out of here," he said to Emmett. I was relieved when he obeyed and walked away. I wondered how long Emmett was going to keep warning me and if I would spend every Christmas around the tree being threatened.

"I'm sorry," he said to my tense face.

"He's just trying to tease me, I shouldn't be so sensitive," I said and hoped he bought it.

"Bella, we need to talk about a few things," he said softly and my heart dropped. I knew he was right, but I wanted to lie in his arms and pretend everything was okay for just a little while.

"My mother told you to stay away from me?"

"I'm sure she wants the perfect woman for her son, I mean, look at Rose and …"

"Stop," he said forcefully. "My mother doesn't pick who we fall in love with. She brought you to me; it means she knows I love you."

"Yes, she knows, but she thinks I will be too much heartache for you. People don't understand the damage done by meanness. I try really hard not to let the negative words come out, but I've heard them for so long."

"I'll talk to her, but Bella, just so you know, I choose you. I won't let her feelings change anything."

"She's your mother, Edward."

"Right, and you are my heart."

I kissed him again and tried to be gentle, but I loved him so much. He held me tightly and finally pulled away to asked about something else. "Jake," he said sadly.

"Was a very nice man, but he wasn't the right man, and before you say anything I want you to remember what I put up with," I said to defend my actions.

"I just find it difficult to wrap my brain around it because it was after we made love."

I reached out and pulled on the waist of his pants and said, "So was this."

"I was doing my job," he said.

"I was listening to your mother," I responded.

"Will I ever have to see the guy?" he asked and I smiled at his jealousy. Who ever thought someone like Edward would have a reason to be jealous because of me.

"Not unless you buy pineapple from a farm in Kona."

"Damn, I loved their fruit," he smiled and I felt we were making really good progress.

We began kissing again and I wanted to ask him about James and Victoria but Jasper walked in. I felt my face redden and I couldn't look at him. Alice walked in behind him and I wanted to ask Emmett to come shoot me.

"How's the patient?" Jasper asked and I waited for Edward to speak.

"Well, I just found out I'm going to be a father, so my injuries seem less traumatic," he said and I wanted to cringe.

Alice gasped loudly and ran over to give me a big hug. Her actions seemed authentic but I kept waiting for her to ask Edward if he was sure it was his. She noticed my hesitation and finally took my face in her hands and kissed me right on the lips.

"What the hell," Jasper yelled and Edward brought his hands to his crotch and yelled out in pain.

"Now you've kissed us both, so get over it," Alice said and giggled at the reaction of the two men.

"That turned you on?" I asked Edward as he continued to moan in pain, noting our kissing didn't stir anything.

"It just shocked me," he said and Alice laughed.

"Bella, I apologize for my actions," Jasper said. "My brother was known for picking up women from that club and I thought one of them may have been involved. When you showed up after suddenly talking to Edward through the wall I figured you had been sent to watch us both."

"Can we just forget the whole thing?" I asked.

"Gladly," he replied.

"So are you having a boy or a girl?" she asked.

"I don't know, I'm only three months along," I said.

"Can I help with your nursery?" she asked.

I looked at Edward and said, "We're going to need a bigger apartment."

"No, we need to look for a house," he corrected.

I was floating on clouds. I was getting a life I never thought possible, a wonderful man, a home of my own, and a child. But the reality was a man who needed a lot of healing, a home where we would both need to work out of the house, and a baby I had no idea how to care for. Life was charging right for me and I felt a bit overwhelmed.

Alice pulled me from the room so Jasper and Edward could talk and I was stunned when she put her finger up to her lips and tiptoed back to the doorway to listen. I wasn't sure I wanted to hear them, if Edward admitted something negative it would remain with me always.

"A baby," Jasper said and Edward sighed.

"God, I'm terrified," he admitted. "But, it's Bella, and I want a life with her."

"How are the nightmares?" Jasper asked and my ears perked up.

"It's not the things they did; it is more the things they said. I don't think I'm that person, I did what I had to do to find the killers of my partner."

"You know the truth; don't think about it too much."

"Jaz, I thought I was so prepared, Warren didn't stand a chance."

"Yeah, I didn't even make it all the way into the room. I let you down, Edward, I'm sorry."

"God Jaz, she laughed when I cut her, she laughed."

It was quiet and I wondered if they were done talking. Edward finally said, "It wasn't the same, talking about sex with a man and…"

"Edward, you were violated, it didn't matter who was holding what."

"Yeah, like I said it was what they said that is the hardest to deal with," he said sadly and I walked off. It wasn't that I didn't want to hear anymore. It was the feeling like I was violating Edward by listening without his knowledge.

Alice followed and sat next to me on the couch. Rose was on the computer and turned to look at us. I wanted to hear the detail and didn't want Edward to have to tell me.

"I need to hear what happened, all of it," I said and Alice nodded.

"It's going to be hard," she said and Rose came over to sit on the other side of me.

I was ready.

21

Alice took my hand and looked behind her to make sure Jaz wasn't coming into the room. She scooted closer and said, "I only know what Jaz has told me. Edward changed the way he spoke to his clients and got a call from a woman wanting to bring another man into the relationship with her and her boyfriend." "She was really aggressive and kept asking about his physical level. He told her he had to be careful because he was in a relationship with a state senator and she became adamant they meet. He rented the room ahead of time and hid a knife under the mattress. He gave Jaz a room card and a code word to rush in with a gun."

"They showed up and the guy just wants to watch. The woman is all over Edward and he backs off and says he can't do it because his high profile relationship will get him in trouble and he wishes the senator could be taken out. The girl tells him they killed Warren and they can get the senator killed. He acts like he doesn't believe her and they finally admit their buddy is the head of security for the governor and they have already been paid to take out some political rivals."

"Edward figures he got the information he needed and he reaches for the knife under the bed, but the guy pulls a knife out of his boot and he wrestles with Edward. Jaz hears the code word and when he runs into the room Edward has the knife and Jaz is hit from behind by the man."

"Edward stabs the woman but she has gotten the knife from under the mattress and she swings at Edward. The man grabs him and beats him until he can't respond, then he has the woman hold Edward while he rapes him with the knife. He cut him up after Edward passed out, slicing his abdomen his testicles and a gash to his penis. But the guy doesn't cut anything vital, thank God for you."

Rosalie put her arms around me and held my shaking body. I thought they all had sex together, I didn't realize he was brutalize with a knife. His surgery was reconstructive internally, everything externally was surface stuff.

"Why did he have to work a sex line, what did that have to do with Warren?" I asked.

"Warren took a call one night which was a wrong number. The person thought it was a sex line. He talked to him or her for a long time and kept up the charade for several weeks. He told Edward he was getting all kinds of information that would get him a better assignment."

"Then why did Jasper think it was someone from a club?"

"Warren was a player and picked up women all the time. He told Jasper he met a really pretty woman who was into kinky sex, dangerous freaky stuff. Jasper believed she was the one who killed him."

I wanted to tell Rose I loved her husband for being a government hit man, but it would only get me shot so I hugged her tightly instead. Alice jumped up to wipe her tears and tried to look okay for Jasper and her brother. She headed back into his room and left me alone with Rose.

"Let me make you a protein shake," Rose said and I nodded.

She gave me one last hug and looked right into my eyes and said, "Bella, I'm not a stupid wife."

I gave her a confused look and she looked deeper at me, "As a wife, I know things."

"I'm really glad your husband plays video games all day," I said and she smiled before heading into the kitchen.

She made a shake for both me and Edward and I returned to his room. I gave him the shake and climbed up on the bed next to him. He drank from the straw and when Jasper and Alice left he asked me to help him to the restroom.

He moved painfully slowly as he walked by shuffling his feet. "Don't worry if you hear me scream," he said and shut the door. I felt he was the bravest man in the world. I also wanted James and Victoria to be Emmett's next targets.

I walked back to the bed and was sipping on my shake when the bedroom door opened and Esme walked in.

Her face said it all. She was livid I was there and looked around quickly for Edward. Carlisle walked in and I spoke to him, "Edward's in the bathroom."

"How is he doing?" he asked.

"He slept well, and he ate breakfast and is drinking a protein shake right now."

"What brings you here?" Esme asked.

"Um…I got back from Hawaii and needed to talk to Edward about something," I said stupidly.

"He's been there often, I'm sure there is nothing you need to tell him in his weakened state."

I had no idea how to respond and luckily Edward opened the door and emerged from the bathroom. He smiled at his parents and shuffled back to the bed. I helped him climb back up and he held my hand tightly.

"Did Bella tell you the great news?" he asked and I shook my head to tell him to stop.

Carlisle smiled at me and Esme simply stared.

"Edward, not now," I said softly and dropped my head.

"Nonsense, they will be thrilled. Mother do you remember when you sent Bella to me in Port Angeles? You know, before you told her to stay away from me?"

Her eyes moved to me again and she said bluntly, "I told her to stay away before sending her to Port Angeles, get your facts straight, son."

"It doesn't matter, she came and I got her pregnant. Isn't that wonderful news?"

Esme smiled but even I could tell it wasn't genuine. Carlisle stepped up and shook Edward's hand and kissed my cheek. "It is wonderful news," Carlisle said.

"Bella," Edward said, "Why don't you run home and unpack while I speak with my parents."

I was grateful for the way out and gave Edward a quick kiss and made my exit.

I drove home, making sure to note every turn so I could find my way back. I took a long shower and put on clean clothes. My computer was still in Forks and I knew I would have to go get it soon. Edward would not be able to travel the far distance so I decided to be with him tonight and then go to Forks to tell my parents about him and get my computer tomorrow.

I wouldn't mention the baby just yet, I would let them get used to the idea a man actually wanted me first.

I stopped by the store and got Edward some soup and headed back to Emmett's house. I was relieved to see his parents had left and helped Edward take a shower and fed him the soup. He was beginning to have a lot of pain so I got his medication from Rosalie.

I was exhausted and feeling a bit nauseous so we both quickly feel asleep. By morning Edward felt a bit warm so I gave him some Tylenol and put a cool cloth on his head. He quickly went back to sleep. I left my parents phone number with Rosalie and left for a quick trip to Forks.

As soon as I arrived my mother told me Rosalie had called several times and needed me to call her back immediately.

I ran to the phone and called Rosalie. Emmett answered and I quickly asked, "Is Edward okay?"

"Yeah, he's running a fever; we're keeping a watch on it."

"What does it mean?" I asked.

"He probably has an infection, it isn't unexpected. The doctor came by and he'll check on him again tonight."

"I'm coming back," I told him and began making a mental list of the things I needed to throw into my car.

"No, he's sleeping and needs to rest. Just do what you need to do and we'll keep you posted."

"Okay, I'll call you later," I said.

I packed up my car in case I had to leave quickly and finally filled in my mom about Edward. We sat at the kitchen table eating almonds and drinking herbal tea.

"I met my neighbor, a man named Edward Cullen. He's so sweet and treats me really well," I told her.

"What does he do and can we meet him?" she asked with unbridled enthusiasm.

"He's a mathematician and he just had some surgery, so I want to head back tomorrow. He's running a fever and they think it is an infection."

"They need to feed him garlic, actually placing just a bit of pure garlic under his tongue would help the most," mom started in.

"He is under a doctor's care, mom," I laughed and couldn't wait for her to meet him. "I am so crazy about him, he's beautiful and sexy and so kind."

"He isn't the man you met who lies is he?" she asked with concern and watched me carefully for a reaction.

I couldn't explain his family dynamic or the fact he was trying to avenge his partner, so I lied to her. "No, Edward is wonderful."

"I know you haven't dated much, Bella. Is there anything you want to ask me?"

"Mom, even fat girls have urges and curiosity. I think I got it all down," I said and blushed deeply.

"Well, be careful and always use protection. It is easy to get caught up in the moment and you can never be too careful. Men are not always careful because they aren't the ones who end up pregnant. You never want to trap a man; they react automatically and feel the need to run."

I didn't tell her I should have talked to her three months ago and I had already trapped him. I stayed quiet and let her continue her diatribe feeling guiltier as she droned on.

The phone rang just as I was getting ready for bed and Emmett told me Edward was being taken to the hospital. He asked me not to come since nobody would be allowed to see him. They were all waiting at home and Esme promised to keep them appraised.

"Emmett, call me anytime and let me know what's going on, don't worry about the time, and I'll leave for Seattle at first light."

"They'll give him an antibiotic drip, he'll be fine, Bella."

"Call me, please."

"Okay, get some rest; you have to think about your baby."

I got in bed and held my stomach needing to feel my baby moving to reassure me things will be okay. I waited for almost an hour until I felt the soft fluttering. I smiled and tried to imagine a little boy or girl that was a mixture of me and Edward.

I secretly wanted a boy, so I wouldn't worry about him becoming fat like me. He could be tall and thin like his father. I decided to look into some books to teach me how to care for a baby. I had never once babysat or even held a baby. I hoped Edward had more experience and would be willing to teach me just as he had with other things.

I finally fell asleep after setting my alarm for four in the morning. I wanted to be home early so I could see Edward if he was feeling better. I made a mental note to find out what hospital he was in so I could go right there when I arrived.

My alarm sounded and I dragged myself out of bed. I felt a bit sick and sat on the edge of the bed to settle my stomach. The phone rang and I quickly grabbed it, hoping to hear Edward was fine and possibly going home.

"Bella," Emmett said with a really soft voice.

"Yeah, I was up, how is he?"

"Bella, honey, I am so sorry," he said in just a whisper.

"What?" I said loudly. "Emmett, what?"

"He got a blood infection, Bella. He went downhill so quickly, none of us were there when he passed."

I slid from the bed onto the floor and the phone dropped from my hand. I struggled to breath and pulled my hands to my stomach. I felt the familiar flutter and screamed as loud as I could. My only happiness was gone and I no longer wanted to live.

I screamed as I tried so hard to keep the truth from settling into my brain. As long as I screamed it couldn't be true. My parents came running into the room and I fell into my father's arms. My mother grabbed the phone and spoke to Emmett.

She hung up and got onto the floor with me and my father. "Bella, honey, I'm sorry," she cried with me.

"What's going on," my father asked with terrified eyes.

"The man she was dating died," my mom said and I screamed again to make her stop.

My father was trying to soothe me the best he could and I pulled away to crawl to the wall and cling to it. I pounded on the hard surface as I screamed even louder. "He's gone," I sobbed. "We need him; I can't have this baby without him."

"Renee, what is she saying?" my father asked with a tight voice.

"She's upset," my mother said to dismiss my words.

"No," I yelled. "I'm pregnant, I'm having Edward's baby."

"Bella, you're talking crazy," my mother said and I turned to look at them.

"I'm three months pregnant, mom. I'm having Edward's baby and he's gone. I want to die," I screamed and my father rushed over to pull me back into his arms.


	8. Chapter 22 thru 24

22

I should have known what lengths Esme would go to in order to separate me from Edward. I should have realized Emmett would never be the one to call me with such news. He had a big incentive to have me gone, too. I should have driven to Seattle and demanded to see Edward's body, but I was still the naïve girl who constantly got played by others.

My mother told me Edward wasn't having a funeral and the Cullen's promised to give me some of his ashes to do with what I felt best. I had them placed in a small urn to give to our child. I stayed in Forks, needing my parents to hold me together and help me through the pregnancy.

I was only a shell and walked though each day without smiling or enjoying anything. I never dressed up or put on makeup. My mother kept me properly nourished but I didn't even care if I gained or lost weight.

One day I got a call from Jessica. I wouldn't take the phone and forced my mother to speak to her. That evening I got a call from Jake. I took the phone and instantly began to cry.

"Bella," he whispered, "Go ahead and cry, I'll listen all night if it helps."

"Jake, I'm pregnant," I said and cried harder.

"I know, Jessica told me, are you taking care of yourself?"

"My mom's here," I said through my sobs.

"I'm in Seattle, can I come see you?" he asked and I suddenly longed for him. I wanted him to hold me in his arms and make me feel like I did in Hawaii.

"I'm huge," I told him and he chuckled.

"Pregnant women are beautiful," he said.

"Come see me tomorrow," I said and gave him directions.

For the first time since Edward died I fixed my hair and put on makeup. I hadn't bought any maternity clothes so I had to make do with my sweat pants and t-shirt. I waited anxiously for him to arrive and when his car pulled up I ran from the house and into the driveway.

His big smile was like medicine and he picked me off the ground and spun me around. "You're not huge at all," he said and placed his hands on my stomach. "Wow, look at that, a baby."

I was so comforted by his open manner and how he touched my stomach and acknowledged my child.

"I'm due in nine weeks," I told him and he hugged me again.

I took his hand and led him to the house to meet my mother. He won her over immediately and I noticed how I kept smiling at everything Jake said.

"How long can you stay?" I asked him and he winked at me.

"Sam and I came for two weeks. He's with Jessica."

"I'll get the guest room ready," my mom said and headed up the stairs.

He watched her walk away and turned to pull me into his arms. "It's so good to see you," he said with a voice that gave me chills.

"You look great," I answered with.

"What happened to the father, how did he die?" he asked and I expected it to hurt too much to tell him, but it felt good to talk about Edward. I wanted everyone to know how great he was and how much I loved him.

"Edward worked for the government and he caught two people who were paid to kill some senators. They worked him over pretty good and he got a blood infection. He went really fast, I didn't get to say goodbye," I said softly as my tears fell.

"Did he know about the baby?"

"Yes, he was not too thrilled about it," I said looked at my swollen fingers.

"I'm sure it was just the surprise, I mean, who wouldn't love a baby coming?"

"The grandmother, that's who," I said and wiped away my tears. "She told my mom they don't need to be notified of its birth and plan to stay out of my baby's life."

Jake was quiet and his brow furrowed as he sat in stunned silence. Jake was so nice and he most likely had a nice family too. People like the Cullens didn't exist in his world. He finally looked into my sad eyes and said, "It's their loss."

"Yeah," I said with a nod.

We spent the entire day catching up and when my father got home we grilled on the deck. Jake was freezing from the cold Washington March weather. We ate inside to thaw him out. He got along great with my father and the conversation was constant and lively.

Jake and I stayed up until midnight talking about baby things. "Are you scared about childbirth?" he asked me.

"I'm much more afraid of the actual child being here. I'm clueless and everything I read makes it sound so easy, what if I really mess up my child?"

"The name is the most important part, you can't call him Brutus or he becomes a backstabber. Now, Marilyn could turn your daughter into a whore, but it can actually be a man's name now, so you would have a gay whore."

"Stop it," I yelled laughing so hard my stomach was hurting. My baby must have found it funny too since it began a gymnastic routine inside of me. I reached over and took Jake's hand and placed it on my gyrating stomach.

He sat mesmerized and it made me wonder if Edward would have enjoyed feeling his child move. Jake laid his head on my stomach and closed his eyes as the kicking and twisting continued. He turned and kissed my baby softly and sat up.

"Jake, how do I tell my baby about its father? There are things I don't want it to know, but I don't want it knowing a fake version full of lies."

"You have years to figure something out," he said and reached up to move my hair from my face.

It wasn't Jake I wanted so badly, but I knew he could help me forget, and for just a few moments my heart wouldn't be breaking for Edward, for just a few kisses I could feel pretty, and loved, and desired, so I pulled him to me.

It was just as I remembered. His mouth was warm and he began with a deep heated kiss. His arm came around me and one hand rested on my stomach. My racing heart must have scared my child since it calmed quickly and held still.

I became lost in the comfort his arms offered. He was so strong that I felt safe as he pulled me tightly to him and moaned at the feelings I produced in him. I longed for that noise from Edward. I only got to have him once and it was as if fate knew he would leave this earth early and left behind a piece of him.

Our passion was building and I felt something leak from my breasts. I pushed him back and he looked ashamed as I looked stupefied. I looked down at the small wet spots on my shirt and gasped.

He laughed and leaned over to meet my eyes. "Bella, your milk is coming in, that's all."

"Milk, this is milk?"

"It is a watery substance that comes in before the milk, God, I know this, why don't you?" he laughed.

"How do you know?" I suddenly wondered if Leah had a pack of tiny Jake's running around.

"I have two older sisters. You got aroused and it made your breasts released the liquid."

I kept my head down in humiliation. It would have been easier if a neon sign flashed over my head. Jake took hold of my chin and forced me to look at him. "It is an automatic response, nothing you did on purpose. I don't think you want me, Bella."

I had no idea what I wanted. When he said it out loud I felt the need to assure him I did want him, I wanted his kindness, and ease to be around. I wanted him to stay and make everything in my life better. I wanted him to understand I would never forget Edward and love him forever, but I needed a father for my baby. Jake finally stood and held out his hand for mine.

"You need your rest, momma," he teased.

We walked up the stairs together and I showed him where he was going to sleep. Before I left the room he pulled me to his chest and gave me one last heart stopping kiss. I went back to my own room and lay in the darkness missing Edward more than ever. Jake was such a great distraction, but he was doing things to my body that I needed Edward for.

The next morning I woke to find Jake in my room holding a tray of food. "Breakfast in bed," he announced and sat the tray on my lap.

"You're spoiling me," I admitted but hoped he didn't stop.

"I ate with your dad; I really like him," he said and I knew my father would have to be impressed with Jake to actually eat with him.

"I have so much to show you today. The great town of Forks is a tourist's delight."

"Is that so, better than Hawaii?"

"Totally," I laughed. "We have the library, the pizza place, and the all important gas station with an Icee machine."

"Library, not sure I'm buying that one?"

I gasped and acted wounded. "Are you calling me dumb, Jacob Black?"

"You're the one who ended up pregnant," he teased and I knew I should have been offended but Jake never said anything to hurt people.

"Reading about condoms and using them are two separate things," I pointed out and he nodded in agreement. "What did you talk about with my father, fishing or hunting?"

"Actually he offered me a job," Jake said softly and I felt my heart quicken.

"Did you tell him about the volcano and calm surf?" I asked, giving him an out if he didn't want my father bugging him.

"I told him I would think about it."

We sat quietly each knowing his decision depended on how things went for the next two weeks. I finally went back to eating and Jake left to shower and get ready for our sightseeing day. I took him by the school, which brought me nothing but dread as a teen. I took him by the station, without actually going inside to be accosted by my father. I also took him to first beach to see the ocean from the mainlander's point of view.

We walked along the cold beach with Jake's arms wrapped around me, more for his warmth than mine. It was something I wanted to share with Edward but our run along the beach by his parent's home would be like everything else, something we only did once.

On the drive back to the house Jake was quiet and watching the forest flash past from his window. I glanced at him a couple of times and finally asked, "Is it so different from the Jungles of Hawaii?"

"No, darkness is pretty much darkness anywhere in the world."

"I feel like I've been stuck in the darkness my whole life," I said. "I'm so ready to come into the light."

"Am I part of the darkness or part of the light?" he asked without his usual smile.

"Jake, you are absolutely part of the light," I said honestly.

"Pull over," he said and I looked over to see him staring at me. I pulled off the road and turned to face him. "If you're ready for the light, I'm waiting here for you," he said.

I placed my hand on my stomach, "I don't come alone."

"I'm good with it," he said sincerely.

"It's a pretty big commitment," I told him as my tears began to threaten.

"I'm a pretty big man," he said and then his eyes flash with realization and he laughed loudly.

"God, you're egotistical," I laughed and he pulled me to his mouth and kissed me fervently.

My nights of crying myself to sleep were ending and memories of Edward were not so painful anymore. The sharp edges of what I was missing in life were softening into a tolerable comfort. I was totally ignorant of the pain Edward was experiencing as he mourned my supposed death.

Edward received a bag of ashes too, but he didn't place them in a nice urn, he kept them on the mantle of his fireplace in Chicago, to taunt him as he drank himself to sleep each night. He found comfort in the arms of a woman sent to save him by Esme. She was gorgeous and educated and everything I wasn't. It was another lie in a family which didn't know any other way to exist.

Jake accepted the job from my father and had to return to Hawaii to get everything in order to move to Forks permanently. I rented a small house down the street from my folks and Jake returned a week before my due date.

It was early in the morning on May thirteenth when I went into labor. Jake way lying next to me in my bed, but we hadn't been intimate yet. He acted as my coach, encouraging me, supporting me, and saying tender words of love. When my son was put into my arms Jake cried along with me. I looked at his golden hair and strong jaw and closed my eyes from the pain of staring at Edward in my son's face.

"Bella," Jake said as he ran his hand through my sweaty hair. "It is a part of him you get to keep."

"I'm going to name him, Cullen Kamalei Black," I said and Jake smiled from ear to ear knowing Kamalei meant, Beloved, and I was using his last name.

"So you're going to marry me after all?"

"Does the fourth of July weekend work for you?" I asked and Jake kissed me and then kissed the child he would raise as his own.

Alice was busy too, planning Edward's wedding to Tanya on June Thirtieth. It would be held on the beach at their parent's home. If I was more in touch with the world I would have heard Carlisle mention Edward's wedding on air one night, but I was too wrapped up in my own lies, telling Jake I would love him forever.

23

I was so grateful for Jake. He worked long hours and came home to help care for Cullen. He would rock him to sleep or fix dinner for us both while I cared for the baby. I woke up one night to find him in the nursery singing softly as he fed him a bottle of breast milk. I walked into the room and put my arms around his neck and kissed him gently.

"Let me, you have to be exhausted," I told him.

"I'm okay, he's so beautiful, Bella, I can't take my eyes off of him."

"You are a wonderful father and I can't believe you're taking on this responsibility at only twenty-five years old."

"Becoming your husband and his father will be my biggest joy," he said with a smile that was so Jake.

"You are his father, Jake, and in two weeks you'll be my husband," I kissed his neck again and he sighed.

Our wedding was going to be small; I didn't have anyone to invite and since Jake was new on the force he couldn't take any time off. We planned to make a trip to Kona the following year so I could meet his family.

Jessica and Sam were going to stand up with us, but it would just be my parents and some of their friends actually in attendance. Every time I asked Jake what he wanted he would tell me to plan what I wanted and he would just show up.

I went into Seattle one day, as Jake took care of Cullen, to find a dress. I didn't want anything expensive and knew Jessica's dress would be more than mine. We stopped by a stylish shop and tried on several choices. I was standing in front of a three way mirror trying to decide on a dress when a beautiful woman walked in to pick up her gown.

The woman waiting on me ran to get the gown for a final fitting and the bride seemed very annoyed. I wanted out of the room. I was still carrying a bit of baby weight and I didn't want the woman standing next to me in her expensive gown, as I struggle to fit into mine.

Jessica came out wearing a beautiful dress and the woman looked her up and down judgmentally. "Let's go," I said to Jessica.

"You don't want to try on more?" she gasped.

"No, I think I'll look at a department store," I said and ran for a dressing room. I was changing when I heard the sales woman tell the blonde she hoped her wedding went well tomorrow. The bride never even responded and grabbed the gown and left.

I looked in the mirror at my body and had to close my eyes to stop myself from obsessing on the fact Jake would make love to me for the first time in only three days, and I wasn't back in shape. Jessica knew what I was thinking and opened the door to the dressing room in a huff.

"Don't you dare start thinking you are fat Bella Swan. You had a baby less than two months ago and you already look better than most women."

"I'm not obsessing," I lied.

She glanced down at my tattoo and smiled, "That really does look great, what does it mean?"

I looked down and the eight ball and the precious words it carried and felt the sting of tears. I quickly changed the subject and dressed so we could leave. We hit the mall and I found a simple gown that only cost me two hundred dollars. Jessica protested but I thought it was perfect.

I dropped Jessica off at home and stopped by a gas station to fill up before heading back to Forks. I grabbed the empty water bottles we drank and tossed them into the garbage can. Something caught my eye. It was a picture of the woman who picked up her dress. I looked around first and then pulled out the society page of the newspaper from the can.

I opened the page to see a picture of the bride and groom with a caption, Tanya Denali marries Edward Cullen. My mind became a jumbled mess and I couldn't think straight. I stared at the gas nozzle and didn't know what to do with it. Edward was alive and getting married. Edward had his family lie to me about his death so he didn't have to be stuck with a child. Edward didn't want me and let me believe he was in a small urn in my drawer.

I pictured my son, tucked safely in Jake's arms and felt a whole new appreciation for him. I now had to deal with the fact I had a tattoo that would remind me of Edward and named his son with the family name. I looked around at the Seattle skyline and a bit of resolve filled me. I was done being Bella the stupid girl and if Edward didn't want me I would let Jake totally into my heart.

I drove home and mulled things over the entire way. I decided not to tell Jake Edward was alive. I wouldn't make him wonder if I was thinking of Edward or missing him. I walked into the house to find Jake giving Cullen a bath. I walked over and kissed him hard as he struggled with the squirming baby.

"I've been thinking," I started as I smiled at my baby. "I want to start calling him Kam, it fits him better than Cullen."

"Are you sure?" Jake asked as he watched my face.

"Absolutely," I answered and kissed him again. This time our kiss lingered and Jake moved forward when I backed away making it last even longer.

"Are we still waiting for our wedding night," he asked with a breathy voice.

"I don't know why," I told him and he smiled as he leaned his head for yet another kiss.

When he pulled the baby from the sink I wrapped him in a large towel and took him to his nursery. Jake followed and worked right along side of me, using lotion, powder and a clean pair of pajamas for our child.

I sat in the rocker to feed him and Jake knelt at the side of me rubbing Kam's soft head as he suckled.

"Jake, what would I do without you," I said as I began to cry at how tenderly he loved us.

"I hope you would miss me terribly," he said and I could tell he was trying to fight his emotions.

I used my free arm to reach out and touch his cheek. I looked into his eyes and told him truthfully for the first time that I loved him. He was my savior, my light to bring me from the darkness. Edward could have his gorgeous wife and live free from the burden of a child. Jake loved Kam and that was worth more than I could ever thank him for.

After we got Kam down for the night I took a shower and tried to make myself as alluring as possible, not that Jake would care one way or another. I walked into our room to find him sitting in the bed, his muscles exposed and looking sexier than he knew. I smiled and let my eyes drop as I climbed up next to him.

He pulled me to his warm body and held me gently. "You look beautiful," he said and I kissed him to stop his compliments. He made love like he kissed, all consuming and open for anything. He didn't use control to go slow; he let himself go and gave me every bit of him, his heart, his mind, and his body.

As I lay in his arms feeling loved, and safe, Edward was walking alone on the beach, trying to find the courage to head into the surf and let his misery end. He wanted out of his life, his career, and his family, because without Bella it didn't matter. He would marry Tanya and try to forget about the attack by James and Victoria. He hoped she would want a baby, to make up for the one he lost when Bella died in the car accident. He wanted a girl, with dark hair and eyes, but with Tanya that wouldn't happen.

Alice had been great with supporting his broken heart. Emmett didn't ever want to talk about it and it caused a rift between the brothers. Edward finally headed back to the house and his last night as a bachelor, feeling tomorrow his life was ending, not beginning.

My wedding to Jake was just what I wanted, small and intimate. I walked down the stairs of my parent's home on the arm of my father and stood among a select few people and became Bella Black. When Jake placed the ring on my finger he said, "I know I'm not your hearts choice but I will spend my life trying to make you happy."

I shook my head at him and replied, "I choose you Jacob Black, regardless of anyone or anything, I choose you."

He pulled me into his arms and we began our life together. Kam grew, Jake advanced at work, and I settled into a contented existence. Our child's first word was, daddy, and his first steps were into Jake's waiting arms. But, his personality was so much like Edward's.

He hated anything to do with the outdoors and intellectually he was way beyond his age. He loved numbers and patterns and when Jake bought him a child's fishing pole, he took apart the reel to see how it worked. Jake was patient and supportive of anything Kam did.

Kam was five now, and we decided to have another child. I thought it would be easy since I had gotten pregnant so easily last time, but month after month we were met with disappointment. I decided to see a specialist and drove to Seattle one day as my mom picked up Kam from kindergarten. I was sitting in the waiting room when a woman walked out from her appointment. I glanced up to see Alice staring at me in horror.

My eyes fell for a moment and then realized I had nothing to be ashamed of, her brother destroyed me, not the other way around. I looked back at her with shoulder's squared and said, "Hello, Alice."

"Why aren't you dead?" she asked as if my breathing was an insult to her.

"I'm sorry, was I supposed to get Edward's approval to live?" I said hatefully.

"You did it on purpose?" she asked with a stunned expression.

"Did what?"

"Made him believe you were dead?"

"What?" I asked in a quick breath before the ability to speak left me. "I was told Edward died."

"By whom?" she demanded.

"Emmett."

"No, that's crazy, Emmett told Edward about your car accident."

"I've never been in a car accident," I said angrily and then the picture became clearer.

Edward didn't push me away, he thought I was dead. He was mourning just as I was and it was his own family who put us through it. The final piece of the puzzle that locked into place was the fact Edward didn't turn his back on Kam.

"Oh my God," I said as tears burst free. "His son."

Alice covered her mouth and let her own tears fall. "You have to go see him," she said.

I looked back at her and said, "But he married Tanya."

"How do you know? I thought you were told he was dead."

"I saw the announcement in the paper," I said as my mind was becoming overwhelmed at what I had done. "I married another man. I'm Mrs. Jacob Black, now."

She finally came over to sit next to me and took hold of my hand. "Bella, Edward's marriage didn't even last a year. He still loves you, I know he does."

I stared into her eyes as she spoke the words that tore me apart. I had stopped loving Edward because he pushed me aside. I gave Jake my entire heart all because of a lie. I finally began to speak, "Alice, you can't tell Edward I'm alive. Let him think I'm dead, because the Bella he knew is gone."

"What about his son?" she asked.

"He's Jake's son. Jake was there for his birth and has raised him for almost six years now. It would only hurt them both to let everything out."

I was called back into the office at that point and gave Alice a quick hug and left. That night Jake arrived home late from work. I was reading a book and he stood in the doorway to watch me. I smiled and he blew me a kiss.

"What's wrong?" I asked as he continued to stand there.

"Bella, are you happy?" he asked and his eyes looked like he was going to cry.

"Why do you feel the need to ask?" I said with a furrowed brow. "You know I'm happy."

He finally entered the room and came over to sit along the edge of the bed. I put my book down and watched him struggle with what he wanted to say.

"At our wedding you told me you chose me. Would you still choose me today?"

I pulled him into my arms and whispered, "Yes."

I didn't know Alice had run straight to Edward. He was now aware I was alive, and married, and he had a son. I also didn't know he had called Jake and talked to him about our relationship. Jake told him he loved Kam and that our boy didn't know Jake was not his biological father. Edward agreed to stay away under one condition, if I was happy with Jake.

24

Jake had to work on Kam's sixth birthday, so we celebrated it the following week. I had a special surprise and couldn't wait for the moment Jake would see the shirt I bought for Kam. I had the house decorated and full of rowdy kids when a squad car pulled in front of the house.

I glanced at the car through the window and said to Kam, "Either daddy's here or grandpa."

Kam ran to the door and yelled, "Mom, its Jerry."

I didn't know why Jake would invite coworkers to a child's party but I walked to the door to welcome him. The moment I saw his face I knew something was wrong.

"Where are Jake and Charlie?" I asked with a panicked voice.

"Charlie is on the 101. Bella, Jake's been in an accident. They were giving chase to a suspect and Jake was run off the road."

"Is he okay?" I asked and my heart knew the answer but I had to ask anyway.

"I'm sorry, Bella. He… it was…bad. He's gone," he said and I noticed how his hands were shaking.

I wasn't taking his word for it, I would demand to see my husband and know for myself if he died or just wanted to be rid of me. I ran for my car when Larry pointed out I had a house full of kids. "Stay here and call my mom," I yelled to him as I jumped in the car and sped away.

I drove out of town and quickly found the blocked road covered in blinking red lights. I pulled to the side of the road and ran toward the crowd of officers. I saw my father being consoled by other men and ran past him to the crushed car.

A sheet was lying over something in the grass and I ran past the paramedics and pulled it from my husband's body. His head was lying at a weird angle and his usual dark skin was pale. "Jake, wake up," I demanded with a hysterical voice.

"Bella, don't," someone said and tried to pull me away.

I fought their attempts to remove me and continued to yell at Jake. I grabbed his uniform and shook him harshly. "Jake, don't do this to me, wake up, I need you. We're having a baby, Jake, wake up."

My father finally came to my side and put his arm around me. "Bella, he would answer you, if he could. He would stay right here and hold you forever, if he could. He can't baby, he can't."

I didn't understand what I had done that made God hate me so much. Was being fat such a mortal sin that I would be punished my entire life? Did I deserve to lose the men I loved because I hid food and used it for comfort? My heart was in pain for twenty-five years until Edward Cullen came into my life, but I didn't get to keep him. Then Jake showed me happiness for six years, but I didn't get to keep him, either.

I didn't scream this time to keep the truth away, it was right in front of me, so I lay my body over Jake's and clung to him. I would stay right there on the side of the road and hold him so they couldn't take him away. I ignored the pleas all around me and spoke to Jake just like I always did.

"I had a big surprise and I could picture your face when Kam put on the, I'm the big brother, shirt. You would have smiled at me, the big smile you use when you can't believe something. I knew you would spend the evening cleaning up after the party, refusing to let me do any work at all. We would call your family and then spend the night in each other's arms. I wanted all of it, Jake, with you."

I don't know how long I was there on the side of the road. I heard my mother's voice speaking to me and I turned to look at her. "Bella, let's take Jake inside. It's going to rain soon and we don't want him lying in mud."

"No, not in the mud," I cried. "Not my Jake."

"Come on dear, let the men bring him inside," she said and pulled me up from the ground. She led me to her car and I turned to see Jake being placed on a gurney.

"Mom, I have to send him home, he misses the heat and the gentle breezes."

"Okay, baby, we'll send him home," she said and helped me with my seatbelt.

She drove my car and I stared numbly out the window as I made plans for Jake. I could see him walking off the plane with a big smile, grateful he was home. I didn't see him in a box, my mind wouldn't accept it. Edward wasn't dead and he was still walking the earth, maybe if I believed it enough Jake would be walking the earth, too.

I kept the fantasy going until I walked into the house and saw Kam. The realness of the situation hit me like a brick. I pulled my baby to me and cried loud agonizing sobs. He was scared and my actions were scaring him more.

"Mom, what's wrong?" he asked smelling like candy and covered with icing.

"Kam, daddy crashed his car and died. He went to heaven and we won't see him anymore."

He began to cry for the man who came to save us six years ago, his father in every way. I held him tightly and we cried together. I kept him in my bed and held him as he slept. He lost two fathers, both caused by bad people. I felt guilty, and lonely, and cursed.

The funeral was attended by officers all over the state. A procession of squad cars lined the street outside of the funeral home. I sat on the front pew and stared forward as people stood to honor Jake's life. His family came from Hawaii and would take his body back to Kona to rest. I didn't listen to a word anyone said. I only held my hand over my stomach and thought of my baby.

Kam pulled on the sleeve of my dress and when I looked down he said, "Was daddy rushing to my party?"

"No, honey, he was chasing a bad guy."

"So, he's a hero?"

"He became a hero the day you were born, sweetheart."

Kam smiled and looked back at the casket as it rolled outside and placed in the funeral car. We walked across the street for a luncheon at the church, but I didn't eat anything. My stomach was upset and I wouldn't be able to keep anything down. I noticed news crews lined up on the sidewalk and my father giving interviews, but I just kept walking.

I stood in the foyer of the church as I thanked people for coming. Most of the attendees were in police uniforms or in Hawaiian shirts. The crowd thinned and I said goodbye to Jake's family. I promised to visit and let them meet their grandchild when it was born.

The few people who remained were cleaning up the luncheon mess and I looked outside the glass doors to see a tall man leaning against a tree to stay out of the rain. Our eyes met and we stared, unable to find words or the need them to say what we felt. I called for Kam and took hold of his hand and walked out the door and up to the stranger under the tree. His eyes watched Kam the entire time and were spilling tears when we reached him.

My son looked up at the face so similar to his own and gave a shy smile. Edward tried to smile back, but his lips were trembling too much.

"Did Alice send you?" I asked.

"No," he said in just a whisper. "Jake made me promise to come if anything happened to him. I also promised to stay away if you were happy."

Jake's attitude the night I ran into Alice made sense now.

"He was good to us," I said as my tears fell.

"I'm glad," Edward said with his own.

Kam pulled on my shirt and said, "Mom, look at the way the cars are lined up. Every third car has a black flag. It's called an oversimplified pattern."

I looked at Edward and smiled proudly. I was stupid Bella, but my son was brilliant.

"What if one flag happened to be missing?" Edward asked him.

"It would create a new pattern that would be implied instead of complete."

Edward looked at me with wide eyes. "He takes after his father," I said and tried to keep my sobs from breaking free.

"May I drop you both at home?" Edward asked.

I nodded and he pointed to his car. We drove in silence as Kam told Edward where to turn. We walked into the house that felt of Jake presence everywhere. I went back into my room and cried as I changed my clothes. Edward sat with Kam and asked him questions to see exactly where his skills fell off. They were lining up coins and doing simple division when I came back into the room.

"Mom," Kam said with excited eyes and a huge smile. "Miss Lester is wrong, this isn't over my head."

"He needs to be in an advanced program, Bella," Edward said.

"You're in Forks," I reminded him. "He'll be placed in a gifted program but it is all they have to offer.

"I would pay for a tutor," Edward suggested and I looked away.

"Kam, run and change while I talk to Edward."

The boy looked disappointed and walked from the room with his head down. I looked at Edward's worried face and knew he felt he overstepped his bounds.

"I don't want him knowing what you do," I said. "I'm not going to listen to him through the walls someday."

"I'm a math professor now. The only walls I talk through are the thick skulls around some of my student's brains," he said with a smile but I didn't smile back.

I watched as his face grew sad and we continued to stare at each other. "Why did he do it? I asked.

"Jake?" he asked me back.

"No, Emmett, why did he break my heart, and make me believe you were dead."

"They did the same thing to me," Edward pointed out.

"I never would have told you about Emmett's job. Didn't he trust me?"

"Emmett was trained not to trust anyone."

"By whom, who turned him into a monster?" I asked and wondered if he would finally tell me the truth.

"My mother," he answered honestly.

I took a deep breath and said what I wanted to say six years ago. "Edward, your mother is a bitch and I hate her."

"I can't defend her actions, and I can't explain them either. She is an agent and I don't know if it made her what she is or if her personality suited the job. I haven't talked to her since Alice told me you were alive."

I nodded and felt my tears begin to fall again. "How did everything get so messed up?" I asked him.

He sat forward and looked at his hands as he said, "Bella, I respected Jake for stepping up and being there for my son. I can't have children because of what James and Victoria did to me, so I really want to know Kam. I want to be there for my son like I should have been all along. I won't tell him who I am until he is old enough to understand. Will you allow me to be a part of his life?"

"Exactly what are you asking for, weekends, holidays, what?"

"Whatever you will allow," he said.

"You're not going to try to take him, are you?" I asked, never believing Edward could be so cruel but needing to make sure we were on the same page.

"I would never hurt him; you and Jake have done an amazing job raising him."

"Thank you, Edward. It means a lot to hear that from you."

Kam peeked around the corner to see if we were still talking and I smiled and held my hand out for him. He ran over and to where I sat and I pulled him onto my lap. "Kam, this man is named Edward. He came to meet you and play with you."

"You did?" he asked with a smile and Edward laughed.

"Grab your favorite game and I'll play with you," Edward said and Kam ran off to get his Legos.

I watched them interact throughout the evening and the Lego's moved into the dynamics of tent building. My family room was a mess of blankets and contraptions where they were going to sleep and I was grateful for Edward's presence to bring Kam joy on such a horrible day.

I took a long bath and let Edward get Kam settled for the night. I was feeling nauseous and ate a few crackers. I had only been in bed for a few minutes when the crackers decided to come back up. I was vomiting violently, trying to keep my hair back when I felt a pair of hands reach out and hold my hair for me.

When my stomached finally calmed I heard a voice so full of pain ask, "God Bella, are you pregnant?"

I began to cry and didn't resist when he pulled me into his arms. "Jake didn't know, I was going to tell him the day he died."

"I'm sorry, love," he whispered and it was familiar, making my heart ache from the realization I could easily fall back in love with Edward.

"What happened to your marriage?" I found the nerve to ask him still buried in his chest, jealous he fell in love at all.

"I was still healing emotionally, and Tanya didn't have a heart," he said trying to tease but I could hear the pain he was feeling.

"Are you dealing with it all?"

"I got help. My scars are on the outside, but I'm good on the inside. I had to learn to stop hearing things in my mind, and most of them were my own words. I got really screwed up," he admitted.

"I know what you mean, Edward, my own words are the hardest to fight."

"I get it now. I dealt with it for one year; you had it for most of your life. People don't understand the power of their words."

"The only things with more devastation are lies. I would take the cruelty over the lies."

Edward's phone rang and he pulled it from his pocket as I took a step away from him and wiped my face with my fingers. He held up his phone in disgust to show me it was his mother calling. He didn't expect my reaction when I reached out and took the phone from his hand and answered the call.


	9. Chapter 25 and 26

25

I took the phone from his hand because I was not letting my child's grandmother get away with messing up my life for another moment. The fact she was calling Edward while he stood in my home angered me all the more.

I hit the answer button and put the phone to my ear. "What?" I said curtly.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I was looking for Edward Cullen, did I call the wrong number?" she asked in a sweet voice.

"You tell me, you're the cut throat agent. Our country is in big trouble if you can't even dial a phone," I said as hatefully as possible. I noticed Edward smirking and didn't know if he was happy about my attempt to put his mother in her place or laughing at how easily she would shred me to pieces.

"Put my son on the phone," she demanded.

"I can't, he's dead, remember?"

"So are you, if I recall correctly," she said to intimidate me.

"Oh Esme, you're aging honey, I happen to have information that will keep you from ever coming after me," I laughed.

Edward raised his eyebrows and I shrugged my shoulders telling him I had nothing. I just figured after spending your life in the game of espionage there had to be some guarded secrets somewhere. I was right; she remained quiet for a second or two too long.

"I heard your husband died, sorry," she said and I almost faltered. I was so close to handing over the phone to stop her from using Jake to hurt me, but I took a deep breath and continued on.

"I heard your husband still lives, sorry…for him."

"Tell Edward when he is done consoling the fat girl to give me a call."

She thought she had me, she went right for my jugular with those words but I had one last card to play. I knew it was hitting low and using something so precious to me as a weapon, but it was needed.

"Esme?"

"What?" she said in anger.

"You still haven't taught him to use a condom. You really should have."

Edward's eyes popped open in surprise and he covered his mouth to stop his laughter. She stammered for a second and finally mumbled, "He can't have kids."

I gave her a fake laugh and said, "And you think you're the only member of the family who can lie? I have a sonogram that says he can."

She hung up on me, Esme Cullen special agent, hung up on me. I handed Edward the phone and he laughed so hard it put tears in his eyes. It was the happy Edward I remembered, the one who loved being a little boy again.

"So how long before she pays Emmett to shoot me?" I asked Edward and he shook his head.

"You're safe."

"And I'm supposed to take your word for it?" I asked with more than a little disbelief.

"When I confronted Emmett with what happened he unburdened his conscious. I guess he was coming to tell you when he found out you were married and happy. He realizes if my mom screws with my life, she can just as easily screw with his. I'm sure that is why she was calling; trying to make amends so Emmett and Alice wouldn't cut her off, too."

"How could she cut off Kam? He's part of her."

"She's trained not to think with emotion, it is natural for her to block things from her mind."

"But your dad is so sweet, why would he stay with her?" I asked and hoped there was a side of Esme I wasn't seeing.

Edward gave me an uncomfortable laugh and said, "Bella, if a government wanted access to the flow of information in and out, where would they place an agent?"

"Carlisle?" I gasped.

"Let's just say his informants are pretty important."

"God, Edward, is there anything in your life that isn't a lie; how do you sleep at night?" I yelled feeling so stupid again.

He looked down at the floor and said very softy, "I sleep dreaming of you."

I was caught off guard and couldn't think of anything in response. I stood in my bathroom, in my pajamas, just fresh from vomiting, and couldn't think of anything to say. Edward make an awkward expression of part pain and part desire to express his feelings. He let his eyes rise to my waist but no further.

"Bella, Jake stepped up when you needed someone for your child. I can do that, too. I can step up and do for him what he did for me. I would be good to you, all three of you, and I would love you for as long as you allow it?"

"Are you saying you want to marry me?" I gasped.

He finally looked at me, stared directly into my eyes, without telling any lies, and said, "Oh God, yes."

I could hear the word, yes, rolling around in my head. I could hear my heart beating in unison with the word, yes yes, yes yes. It was right on the tip of my tongue but the words that came out of my mouth were totally different. "I need some time."

"I understand," he said sadly and I wondered if he really did.

He leaned over and gave me a kiss on my cheek. His mouth remained on my skin as he exhaled loudly making my hands twitch with desire to touch him. I refrained and he returned to the living room to climb into the tent.

I ate some crackers and after keeping them down for half an hour I brushed my teeth and got into bed. I wondered if Jake was in heaven looking down on me. If he was happy to be back in Hawaii and if he knew he had a son or a daughter.

I woke the next morning to hear Edward and Kam talking in the kitchen as they ate some cereal.

"What does Kam stand for, Kamikaze?" Edward laughed.

"No, Kamakei, its Hawaiian. My real name is Cullen."

"Kamakei Cullen?" Edward asked.

"No, Cullen Kamakei Black."

It was silent in the kitchen for about five seconds and Edward yelled, "Bellllaaaa."

I came into view and he was sitting with his eyes wide and his mouth open. "You named him Cullen?"

I nodded.

"You can't do that," he demanded. "If anything works with, you know, it can't be his name."

"Why, Sirhan Sirhan, worked?" I teased.

"And look what happened to him, you are dooming our son to be an assassin," he said and then quickly covered his mouth with his hand.

I wasn't sure what part he meant to keep to himself. The fact Kam was his son, or the fact he would indeed be bred to be an assassin if he was a Cullen.

"You're my new Dad?" Kam asked with excitement.

I quickly cut into the conversation to keep it from escalating, "Both of you clean up the tent mess and then get dressed."

Edward looked at Kam and said, "The first one to clean up the amount of stuff reaching the highest prime number wins."

Kam jumped off his chair and ran into the other room as he yelled, "What's a prime number?"

"Oh man, he's just like his father, jumps without thinking," I said as a joke, but Edward looked right at me as he stood to leave, too.

"You're wrong, I've thought of nothing else for months now."

"Prime numbers?" I asked.

"No, jumping," he said and left the room.

I was so torn. I wanted to believe all the lies were gone from Edward's life and only truth remained. He knew exactly who his family was. He left his life of deciphering encryption to teach the absolutes of mathematics. He still loved me, and Kam, and was willing to love whoever else came along.

I took a run while they cleaned up the mess and spoke to Jake. I told him how much I missed him and how much I wished he could have seen his child. I thanked him for being so kind to Kam when they had absolutely nothing in common. I also thanked him for loving me when I was broken and bringing light into my life. I finally asked him the big question, if I should give Edward another chance?

I was running along the wooded path in the light misty rain and begged Jake to give me a sign if he trusted Edward to love and care for his baby. I had only gone a couple of more steps when the rain ceased and the clouds cleared to shine nothing but sun along my path. I stopped and looked up at the sky with a big smile on my face.

"Thank you, Jake. I love you."

When I got home Edward was working with Kam on the four single digit prime numbers. He was using jelly beans to show him the principle of numbers being equally divided by itself and one. I reached out and grabbed a handful and shoved them in my mouth.

"Hey," Edward yelled and Kam laughed. "Give those back."

I grabbed some more and when he jumped up from his chair, I ran. He chased me down the hallway with Kam running behind yelling, "Get her, get her."

I jumped onto the bed and Edward fell onto me grabbing my hand. "I'll open her hand and you grab them," he said to our son.

I was laughing as he pried my hand open and Kam took the jelly beans one by one. He cheered loudly and ran to take them back to the kitchen.

"Never mess around with Math," Edward said and I stuck my tongue out at him.

Our laughter faded as he stared at my mouth. He was still lying over me and I suddenly became very aware of his body on mine. He pushed my hair back from my forehead and took a deep breath causing my heart to race.

"So beautiful," he whispered and I moved my legs to wrap around his calves. "May I kiss you?"

"Oh God, yes," I whispered.

He touched his lips to mine and it was just like our very first kiss, my very first kiss. He slowly added pressure until we were melded together and moving our heads from side to side as everything intensified.

Kam came into the room and we both jumped apart. "Hey new Dad, I figured out the number seven is a prime number."

Edward and I both laughed loudly and he climbed off the bed and headed out the door with his son. "Kam," I called out and he looked back at me. "You can call him just, Dad, okay?"

He smiled up at Edward and they looked so much alike, both wearing a crooked grin as they walked away. I showered and dressed for the day before Edward took us out for lunch. We drove to Port Angeles and ate along the waterfront. Kam brought his game boy and was oblivious to anything around him.

"I got an offer to run the math department at a junior college in Illinois. It's close to my condo, but the main reason I would consider it would be for…" he jerked his head toward Kam. "There is a great advanced private school right by the college."

"Do they push them too hard?" I asked, worried about my little boy growing up too fast.

"Bella, a public school would not work for him, he would be too different, and I'm afraid he would be bullied."

I looked at my precious son and knew how cruel kids could be. I couldn't stomach the thought of Kam being teased and tormented like I was.

"He would be with kids who are truly his peers. It would be the best solution."

"And your family?" I asked.

"I only see Alice and Jasper," he said and I cringed at the thought of seeing Jasper again.

"You kissed them both, remember?" he pointed out.

"And you were…affected, remember?" I laughed. He kicked me under the table and wiggled his eyebrows looking incredibly sexy.

"When are you due?" he asked and I felt my smile fade.

"January fifth, why?"

"We have the summer to get everything in order. If the condo isn't big enough we can put it on the market and look for a house. We can get moved and Kam can start first grade on time."

He added very quietly, "And we can get married."

"Is there a way to fix the Sirhan Sirhan issue?" I asked.

"Yeah, Kamalei Black Cullen."

Kam looked up finally and said, "What?"

"And the next one?" I asked.

"I'll work on an algorithm to figure it out," he said with a smile.

"Can you teach me algorithms?" Kam asked with excitement.

"Okay, special school, I'm convinced," I laughed and Edward's eyes filled with tears.

And it was just that easy, because the hard work had been done years ago. We moved to Chicago where our daughter Kealla was born. She had Jake's smile and could light up a room with her sweet nature and infectious grin.

Kam had a big group of friends who wrote computer programs for fun. He was on the chess team, the scholastic team, and a member of a gamming group. Kealla danced and loved the outdoors. She would run with me in the summer and complain about the snow all winter.

Edward loved his job and never wished for anything dangerous or exciting. He lived the adventure of being a father. He had a special bond with Kealla and she was a daddy's girl all the way. He saw himself everyday in the face and actions of his son.

Me, well, I have no idea what I weigh. I know my clothes get a little tight in the winter and a little loose in the summer. I never stress over either one. If I ever have a day where I feel a little insecure Edward takes it all away during the night. He loves me with the expertise he's always had and everything in our lives is out in the open and honest…except his family

I go to sleep every night snuggled up with a man I love and admire. I'm not sure we would have made it if we married when I was first pregnant with Kam. There was too much deception to have a good marriage.

Edward walked into our bedroom and smiled, "Kealla wants to marry me," he laughed.

"Did you tell her to get in line behind all the coeds in your classes?"

"I told her she is as pretty as her mother and some man is going to sweep her off her feet. Then she told me she loves Kam's friend Brady. I was quickly replaced," he laughed.

"She's eight, she had no idea what she wants," I told him

"Look what I found," Edward said as he held up the magic eight ball. "It was in Kealla's toy box."

"Does it still work?"

He brought the black ball up to his lips and asked, "Does Bella love me?"

He turned it to read, "Yes."

"Does she know how much I love her?"

"Most certainly."

"Should I show her?"

I pulled my nightshirt up to show my tattoo and Edward let the eight ball fall from his hands. He climbed onto the bed and into my waiting arms. He held my head in his hands and looked into my eyes. "I want to tell you something that is the absolute truth. I will never lie to you in our bed."

"What, like a confession?" I asked with a bit of apprehension.

"No, something from my heart, something you can depend on and know for certainty."

I smiled at his sincerity, "Okay, tell me something that is the absolute truth."

"I love you so much," he said and I gave him a confused look.

"I know that already."

"No, you don't get it, this is beyond sentiment. I love you Bella and I don't think I could exist without you."

"I get it, Edward, I really do."

26

When Kam turned sixteen we decided to sit down with him and let him know the truth regarding his heritage. Mentally he was capable of hearing the truth long before now, but emotionally we still worried about him.

Kealla was in bed and we asked Kam to come into our bedroom. I was so nervous I could hardly stay still. Edward seemed anxious but he was ready to claim Kam as his own.

"Son, we need to talk to you about something," Edward began.

"Dad, don't worry, I know all about protection and disease. I'll be careful."

Edward looked at me and my mouth fell open. "We don't want to talk to you about sex, but Kam, do we need to talk to you about sex?" I asked him.

"Bella," Edward butted in. "This is about sex."

"No, it's not. It is about love, and loss, and betrayal, and loyalty…"

"And sex," he said again.

Kam began laughing and said, "Why don't you two discuss it and call me back in when you know what it's about."

"I guess it is mainly about your two fathers," I finally said and looked down so wouldn't have to look at his face.

"Oh," Kam said, "Yeah, I have a question about that."

"You can ask anything," Edward said.

"I realize you knew mom before I was born, I mean, obviously," he laughed.

"Obviously? I asked him.

"A man shows up with my name and my face, it pretty much filled in the blanks," Kam laughed. "I just can't figure out where Kealla came from."

"There is so much more to the story, Kam. I loved your mother very much and was thrilled to know she was pregnant with you."

I looked at Edward to see if there was any trace of a lie. He wasn't exactly thrilled when he heard the news but he was very sick at the time.

I was stunned when he went into detail about his job and his family. I didn't know if it was putting Kam in danger to know everything or not. I watched our son's face change emotions as he listened. I could tell it angered him to hear how we were kept from his father, but his mouth formed a smile when he heard about Jake coming forward.

"Jake loved you unconditionally, Kam."

"I know mom, and I thought he was a wonderful father. I assume you were pregnant with Kealla and dad came forward?"

"Yes," Edward said. "I spoke to Jake when I found out you, and your mother, were alive. He told me how much he loved you both and told me you were happy. I didn't want to ruin your happiness, son. I stayed away so you could have a great childhood. He asked me to come back when you were eighteen or if anything happened to him."

"I was going to tell Jake about Kealla the day he died. I had just found out I was pregnant."

Kam asked a couple of questions about his relatives and left the room feeling loved and secure. We had no idea we had sent him on a mission. He wanted to know all of his family and he also wanted some questions answered.

I woke up and knocked on Kam's door and told him to get ready for work. He didn't answer so I opened the door to find his bed empty and a note on the pillow.

"Edward," I screamed and ran to the kitchen to find him sitting with Kealla. "Kam's gone, he went to Seattle."

"What?" Edward screamed.

I handed him the note and began to cry at the thought of Kam being in the same room with either Esme or Emmett.

"Bella pack us all a bag and I'll get tickets," Edward said and his own nervousness had me in a panic.

Kealla began complaining about all the stuff she had planned but I wasn't about to let ten year old remain behind. In less than three hours we were all sitting on a plane headed for Seattle. I felt sick to my stomach and held onto Edward as if it was the last time I would be able to keep him for myself.

When we landed and got a car I finally asked Edward where we were going. "I want to see Emmett first. He'll be honest with me."

"Yeah, right," I said cynically.

We pulled in front of the familiar house and I gasped with I saw bikes and a trampoline. They had children and we never knew. A girl close to Kealla's age answered the door.

"Hi honey, is your mom or dad home?" I asked.

"Who are you?" she asked in return.

"I'm your Aunt Bella and this is your Uncle Edward." I pulled Kealla forward and said, "This is your cousin Kealla."

The girl looked at each one of us again and yelled, "Mom."

Rosalie came to the door and screamed when she saw Edward. She ran into his arms and cried loudly. I suddenly wondered if there had been a past relationship between the two. It was Rose always coming to check on him at his apartment, and it was Rose taking care of him after his attack.

She pulled us into the house and introduced her daughter, Hillary, to us. She instructed the girl to take Kealla with her to her room so the adults could talk. We sat at her table and she got us some coffee.

"Emmett will be home soon, he ran to the store for a belt on his car."

"How is he?" I asked and hoped she could read I really meant, is he going to shoot me on sight.

"Good, retired," she said with emphasis.

"Have you seen my son?" Edward asked her.

"Did he come with you?" Rose asked in confusion.

"He came last night, he wanted to meet my side of the family," Edward said.

Rosalie pulled out her phone and dialed angrily. She held the phone to her ear and her jaw tensed. I could hear a man's voice. "Where are you, jackass?" Rose demanded.

I gave Edward a nervous glance and he was smiling.

"Don't give me the car shit, Kam's here and she called, am I right?" Rose said.

She hung up the phone without speaking any further and said, "They are all at your parent's house."

Edward stood and I took hold of his hand, "Can I stay here with Rose?"

"I'm going," Rosalie said and stood herself.

We let the girls stay and play as we all got into our rental car and drove to the beach. I was terrified of what was coming and hoped having Edward with me would temper the blows that would most certainly come our way. Esme knew my weaknesses and I had nothing to threaten her with this time.

We pulled into the familiar driveway and I saw Carlisle step onto the porch. Edward smiled at the sight of his father and I had to fight to keep my mouth shut. They met on the stairs and Carlisle pulled Edward to his chest and hugged him tightly.

I hung back making Carlisle come all the way off the stairs to hug me. "It is good to see you, Bella."

"Thanks," I mumbled.

"Come in, let's all sit down and talk," he said and put his hand lightly on my back pushing me forward.

When I saw Kam I ran to him and pulled him into my arms. Edward was not as gracious. "You can forget about using your car for most of the summer," he said as he hugged his son.

It was at that moment I saw her, standing next to the sofa staring with an unreadable expression. I let my eyes drop and waited for Edward to acknowledge her. He looked in her direct and without moving closer simply said, "Mother."

"Hello, Edward, Bella," she said with a slight nod.

"I'm sorry for my son's intrusion. We didn't send him here," Edward said and gave Kam an angry look.

"I came to find out about my family," Kam said in his defense.

"I'm glad he came, I've wondered about him often," Esme said and it angered me.

"Wondered?" I gasped, "You knew where he was and could have picked up a phone at anytime."

"No, I couldn't. I was busy keeping Edward out of the crosshairs. Kam was only safe if he was off the radar. I know you hate me, Bella. But I did everything I could to save your son. And for your information, naming him Cullen didn't help."

My mouth was falling open as I stared in shock. I never once considered the fact she may have been cutting us off to save us. I assumed her and Emmett were the only danger in my life.

"Are we safe now?" I asked her.

"Yes, when Tanya decided to leave Edward I brokered a new deal for her freedom."

"Tanya was a…I mean…she didn't really want…"

"She loved Edward, she just didn't know how fucked up he really was," Emmett said as he entered the room.

Edward walked to his brother and gave him a hug. Emmett picked him up off the ground and swung him around. When he put Edward down and walked toward me I tensed. He picked me up in a big bear hug and said, "Did you tell anyone Bella, and remember I can crush you in one squeeze?"

"I put an ad in the New York Times," I said and Emmett's laughter filled the room.

"You should have seen your face every time I teased you, Bella. It was priceless."

"Teased me, you mean threatened my life," I said and couldn't believe how naïve I had been.

"Naw, I wouldn't hurt you, Bella. It would be like taking candy from a baby," he laughed again.

"You shot at me," I pointed out.

"If I really needed to threaten you I would have taken a knee cap or a foot. I was only playing around."

I stood there with my mouth hanging open and Edward had to lead me to the couch. I sat as I tried to understand everything. I felt so betrayed and wondered what Edward was feeling.

He finally said, "Mom, you should have been honest with me. The lies only hurt us. We could have worked something out together."

"Edward, you got involved in a world you were not prepared to handle. I did everything I could to make sure it did as little damage as possible. Your pain could have been a lot worse. If you want me to be the enemy, I will be it. I'm not the monster you think I am."

"Were you ever going to tell me?" Edward asked.

"Yes, but then you married Bella and moved to Chicago. You had everything you wanted and I didn't want to cause problems with your marriage."

She finally turned to acknowledge me and said, "Bella, I'm sorry. I know it means nothing now, but I'm sorry. I love Kam and think he is a remarkable young man. I would love to be part of your lives, but I understand if it isn't possible."

"My daughter is Jake's," I said to get everything into the open once and for all.

"She has Jake's DNA, she is my daughter," Edward corrected. "Just as Kam was Jake's son, too."

I realized at that moment my children did indeed have two fathers, two men who loved them and shared an undeniable bond with each of them. Kealla was nurtured by Edward but had her father's personality, just as Kam did.

"They can both use three sets of grandparents," Carlisle pointed out and I felt my tears begin to fall. He was right, the more people to love them the better off they would be.

Rose smiled at me and said, "Why don't I go pick up the girls while you call Alice and Jaz. I think a party is in order."

"Rose, did you ever have a relationship with Edward?" I asked her as we walked to the door.

"Edward was the youngest and he was a bit ignored. I wanted children very badly but Emmett wasn't ready. I guess I took to mothering Edward, he just seemed so young at times."

I knew exactly what she meant and even thought he was an adult man, I was glad she had been there for him.

I knew there was one last thing to face, Jaz. I was assured Edward and Alice didn't place any blame on us for our actions but I knew in my heart I had gone to Jaz for sex and I needed to ask Edward and Alice to forgive me. He called his friend and asked them to come over and I waited on the porch for them to arrive. Alice ran up to me first and gave me a big hug.

Jaz smiled and said, "Hello, darlin."

"I need to say something to both of you. I'm sorry. I knew who Jaz was and I singled him out to hurt Edward. He thought I was a threat and he was only responding to catch me. I betrayed you, Alice, and Edward."

"Come on, let it go already. Jaz is hot, who wouldn't want him."

Jasper smiled at Alice and finally admitted something himself. "Bella, I hoped you were the threat because I was very attracted to you. I wanted it to be you I would have to bring home."

"Big fat Bella?" I said with my eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, big fat Bella," he answered, "Because she was thin, hot, and sexy."

"Okay, enough apologizing or you're really going to piss me off," Alice said and punched Jasper in the arm. She introduced us to her two boys and we turned to go into the house.

I noticed Edward standing in the doorway and took a deep breath. "Did you hear?"

"Yes, and I understand, I really do. God, you heard so much through the walls, I couldn't blame you for wanting to get even. And yeah, Jaz is hot."

I gave Edward a sideways glance and asked, "Are you bisexual, Edward?"

"You're kidding, right?"

"Am I?" I said and walked past him into the house.

I didn't get far and he grabbed me by my legs and threw me of his shoulder as he headed down the hallway. "We'll be back in a minute," he yelled to the crowd.

"A minute?" I laughed.

"Yeah, I'm taking you to Jaz," he teased and I pounded on his back.

He took me into his childhood bedroom and tossed me onto the bed before lying on top of me. He stared into my eyes he smiled. His face was so content and happy. It was the Edward I longed to see again. Everything in his life had been made right and we were still together.

"Are we really having sex in your X-men, Johnny Quest bed?" I laughed.

"This was a bed of lies, it's going to finally be a bed of love," he said and kissed me in a new way.

His lips didn't touch me softly and slowly build, he didn't give short stunted kisses, and he didn't even cover me with his entire mouth using his tongue first thing. He kissed me like a man who knew me already. He knew what I wanted and needed without any instruction from him. He kissed me like my husband.

We returned to the party an hour later, coming directly from his bed of love.


End file.
